Tar Heel History _
By Billy Arthur
King Of The One-Liners
In addition to being a dynamic politician, brave soldier and loyal
patriot. Zeb Vance was one of the funniest Tar I lecls to ever live.
The scarcity of coffee made the
South realize its Civil War
«
ause was hopeless, according
to renowned Tar Heel and
Southern statesman Zehulon B. Vance in
a United Slates Senate speech.
Of course. Vance was facetious, but the
occasion was serious, and he was using his
great wit. coupling it with facts of south¬
ern privations, to win friends for the
South during Reconstruction. Such was
his custom «luring his turbulent and use¬
ful life as lawyer, twice governor, legisla¬
tor. Confederate soldier and patriot.
Born in Buncomlie County May 13, 1830.
he is even today regarrled as one of. if not
the greatest, North Carolina storyteller,
punster, epigrammatist and wit.
Vance joked throughout his life.
Women, who did not ordinarily attend
courts. Hocked along with the men when
Vance was in a case on trial. The con¬
gressional galleries were packed when he
was sehe«lule«l to speak. Buncombe
(anility. his native home, and oth«‘r coun¬
ties turnc«l out en masse when he made
an address. Everybody was deeply inter¬
ested in his message. All listened for the
new Vance contribution to laughter.
As the Gohbbuto Hradlighl said in 1883.
'Folks m our house swear by the Bible,
the Constitution and /.ob Vance.”
lie put the entire U.S. Senate in an
uproar when lie told of mixing parched
rye. coi n meal, chestnuts, oki a and sweet
potatoes with "small quantities of coffee
in the roasting process in the hope that
the roval Ih-iiv would assert its superiori¬
ty by iiupai ling at least a jsortion of its lla-
vor to the ignoble compound.
“But when the last grain of coffee had
been used.” s;u<l Vance, “and the last
pound of sugar which could be obtained
from captuteil Louisiana had gon«- with
it. then, and not until then, did we real¬
ize that the crisis of our fate had come,
and blank despair had <**tllc«i down upon
D“~aa
«<
S4«-v^
К
Hr*»*
Zebulon I'ance
the Southern cause.
“We w«’i«’ reduced to the honest truth
in the shape of a drink made of parched
rye and sweetened with sorghum
molasses. ... I am firmly persuaded that
if all who are present here had lived upon
it for one week, as we did for three years,
they would rise as one man from their
scats and extending both hands toward
me. would exclaim: ‘We forgive the war.
O. Rebel; we pardon secession: friend
and brother . you have suffered enough’’”
Vance also told the Senate "how Mas¬
sachusetts relieved herself of slavery.”
Using an analogy’ to make his point, he
told the story of an old maid who became
vet
у
i eligions and exhorted younger and
prettier women against wearing jewelry
and gewgaws. “Oh. girls.” Vance quoted
her as saving. “I used to wear earrings and
finger rings and laces and fur-belows like
you do. but I found they were dragging
my immortal soul down to hell, and I
stripped them every one off and sold
them to my younger sister. Sally.”
Vance excelled with the pun. quick
The Statt/Jur* W3
repartee and witticisms arising from situ¬
ations. When Union Genera! Kilpatrick
boasted that he had tamed the captured
Vance by “riding him 200 miles on a bare-
back mule.” Vance wrote to the New York
World. “I saw no mule on the trip, but I
thought I saw an ass in the general's head¬
quarters. This impression has since been
confirmed.”
When this state was being molested by
Federal forces near the close of the Civil
Wat. Mrs. Vance sent a telegram to her
husband asking where she should go to
get away from the Yankees. To Heaven,
my dear,” lie replied. There are no Yan¬
kees there.”
When a student at the University of
North Carolina at Chapel Hill, he was
with Dr. Elisha Mitchell on a field trip,
and they passed a mill and pond. “Do you
think that ol«l mill is worth a dam?” Vance
asked.
UNC President David I- Swain had him
in his political economy class and one day-
lectured on the State of Franklin, now
eastern Tennessee, having used coon-
skins for currency. As a counterfeiting de¬
vice. traders often sewed raccoon tails to
possum skins. "What kind of currency
would you call that. Mr. Vance?” Swain
asked.
“Retail cut rency." answered Vance.
Though his general attire at the uni¬
versity consisted of homemade shoes and
pantaloons, Vance's unlimited repertoire
of anecdotes and folklore enabled him to
escape hazing practices in vogue at the
time. Glenn Tucker's biography. Zebulon
B. Vance — Champion of Fret dorr. US. Sen¬
ator Sam J. En in's Humor of a Country
Lawyer, the Congressional Record and
contemporary newspaper* contain many
of Vance’s jokes and quips.
An early public sample was in his 1854
campaign when an opponent questioned
Vance's youth. Tucker records that he
responded, "I must admit that I am
young, but it was not my fault. My parents
did not consult me as to a time I should
be born.
/\11
1 can do is promise to <lo bet¬
ter next time.”
While Vance was addressing an audi¬
ence in the 1876 election, a nearby don-
kev sent up a hideous braying. The Gov¬
ernor stopped speaking and waited
patiently for the animal to cease, then
waving his hands deprecating!)', he said.
“Hold on there, my Republican friend.
I'm not dividing time with you today.”
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