Fostering perspectives

              Views on Foster Care and Adoption in North Carolina fostering perspectives November 2009 • Vol. 14, No. 1 www.fosteringperspectives.org
Sponsored by the NC Division of Social Services and the Family and Children’s Resource Program
My brothers live far away. Each
has his own career and family.
Due to distance we don’t see each
other very often, but not a day
goes by that I do not think about
them. I feel a deep connection to
them that goes beyond words. My
siblings are part of who I am.
If you have brothers or sisters, I think you will know
what I mean. The influence of siblings on our lives is
hard to exaggerate.
Historically, the child welfare system has not always
done a great job acknowledging and protecting sibling
relationships. Fortunately, that’s changing. In North
Carolina and across the nation child welfare policy
and practice increasingly emphasize preserving and
maintaining sibling relationships of children in foster
care whenever possible (Shlonsky, et al., 2005).
Yet for many children, foster care still means being
separated from their brothers and sisters. National
studies suggest that up to 75% of children in foster
care are separated from at least one of their siblings
(Casey Family Programs, 2003; CASCW, 2000).
This issue of Fostering Perspectives is about honor-ing
and maintaining sibling connections. We lead off
by bringing you the voices of children in care respond-ing
to the question, “Why are your siblings important
to you?” Elsewhere in this issue you’ll hear from many
others, including:
• A birth parent whose sister stepped in to care for
her children until they could return home.
• A man who found his sisters many years after they
were separated by foster care.
• Adoptive parents who thought their family was
complete until they learned their daughter had a
brother who needed them.
I hope that as you read this issue you will think about
what you can do—as a foster parent, kinship parent,
adoptive parent, or child welfare professional—to
honor and preserve sibling connections for the children
in your lives. —John McMahon, Editor
Additional essays from kids in care can be found on pages 2, 8, and in the
online version of this issue at <ww.fosteringperspectives.org>
Joseph, age 7
My sister always tells me that she
loves me. Jayden is the best sister
in the world to me. She shares her
toys and her pony with me because
I don’t like my pony.
My sister is only three years old, but she
has a big heart with me in it. Jayden is braver
than me—she is not scared of the dark like me. When I was left alone
in a big house all I had was my sister to keep me company till some-one
returned. I love her, even if sometimes I want peace and quiet.
I would be lost without her.
Joseph’s letter won first prize, for which he was awarded $100.
My sister is only three
years old, but she has
a big heart with me in
it. . . . I would be lost
without her.
Honoring and maintaining sibling connections
Arlene, age 16
[When they] moved us and placed us all
in different homes I felt as if God was
punishing me for something. It broke
my heart. . . . I had sleepless nights
wondering: Is my sister OK? Has she been
fed? Have they left the light on for her? I got
on my knees and asked, “Why me, God?”
I could not see myself without siblings. I
wouldn’t give them up for anything, not even
if Bill Clinton, George Bush, or Barack Obama came to my door and
asked for them. Though it would be nice to meet them, they can’t have
my siblings. My family is my world. . . .
I am an only foster child in my home. It feels as if I am drowning . .
. . because my sister is not with me.
What is important about siblings? Everything. . . . Yes, they can be
annoying, but aren’t we all? My grandma always said before she died,
“This would be a boring world without siblings because you would
have no one to talk to, fuss with, or be nice to. So take advantage of
what you have.” She was right. . . .
Having sisters and brothers is the most important part of life, right
after moms. Enjoy every minute of them because when they are gone it
feels like an eternity till you get to see them again.
Arlene won second prize, for which she was awarded $50.
I wouldn’t give up
my siblings for any-thing,
not even if Bill
Clinton, George Bush,
or Barack Obama
came to my door and
asked for them.
1st
2nd
Photo Illustration
2
My sister is important to me because she has been there and
took care of me. Then one day she had to go somewhere else
without me for a long time. We stayed separated until I went
into foster care, too. After several years passed she had a
baby boy and I became an uncle. During this time she turned
18, the visits stopped, and I began to feel all alone. Being
away from my sister and not knowing how she’s doing makes
me feel worried and sad. If I had one wish I would reverse everything so my sister
would stay with me forever. If my sister was reading this essay I would want her to
know that I want her back and please never leave me again.
Cyrano received $15 for having his letter published in Fostering Perspectives.
Cyrano, age 12
Children speak out about their siblings continued from page 1
Let me tell you why I am so close to my brother: my brother and I have been through
everything together. When my mother passed away, we were there for each other. We
never left each other’s side. You cannot ask for a better brother than this. If I ever need
somebody to talk to, I can always count on him to listen and give me the best advice he
has to give. If he needs somebody to talk to I am always there. . . . My brother and I
have our share of arguments, but we still stick together through the good and the bad
times. I love my brother and he loves me. He is the best a person can ask for. I would
not give him up for all the money in the word.
David, age 14
Cierra, age 17
My siblings meant everything to me, but over the
course of the last two years, our relationship has
slowly deteriorated. There were five of us altogether,
but now I appear as an only child. . . .
The group home that we went to forever changed our
relationship. Nothing has been the same. I see them and it
feels like I don’t even know them at all. I raised my little
sister from infancy and I see her now and she’s almost a stranger to me. Everything—
or at least most of it—is out of my control. Our visits are limited. At one point, I
couldn’t even talk to any of them at all. There would be times when we would have
meetings, but no one would talk because it became so awkward since we were so far
apart. Someday I would like to know if my siblings have overcome the past, but I
don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet. I think it’s time for me to step out of the
“mother” role and become the sister I was meant to be.
My relationship with my siblings isn’t the greatest. We were a close knit family. Now
I’m out in the cold. I have faith that one day this will get better.
Cierra received $25 for having her letter published in Fostering Perspectives.
My relationship with
my siblings isn’t the
greatest. We were a
close knit family. Now
I’m out in the cold.
My brothers and I came to live with my aunt and uncle about three
years ago. My brothers are Josh, who is five years old, and Johnny,
who is a two-year-old terror. They are my best friends and play-mates.
We live on a farm. We do lots of fun things together. . . . My
brothers bring joy not only to me but to the family. I think when I
help my brothers it makes me a better person. When I am around
them I teach them to do the right thing. We share good and bad memories of the past.
Without them our family would not be the same. They make me very happy. I love
them very much. Jamie received $15 for having this work published in Fostering Perspectives.
Jamie, age 11
3rd
Fostering Perspectives Vol. 14, No. 1 (Nov. 2009)
Copyright © 2009 by UNC-CH
Sponsors. NC Division of Social Services, the NC
Foster and Adoptive Parent Association, SaySo (Strong
Able Youth Speaking Out), and the Jordan Institute for
Families, part of the School of Social Work at UNC–
Chapel Hill.
Contact Us. Fostering Perspectives, c/o John
McMahon, Jordan Institute for Families, 1459 Sand
Hill Road, No. 6 (DSS), Candler NC 28715. Tel:
828/670-5051; Fax: 828/670-5053; E-mail:
jdmcmaho@email.unc.edu.
Advisory Board. Gabe Bishton (Orange County
DSS); Becky Burmester (foster and adoptive parent);
Nancy Carter (Independent Living Resources); Stacey
Darbee (NC Foster & Adoptive Parent Assoc.); Lana
Dial (Administrative Office of the Courts); Trishana
Jones (NC Youth Advocacy & Involvement Office);
Karen LeClair (Family Support Network–CI); Nicole
Lyght (SaySo); Co-Wefa Lyda (NC Foster & Adoptive
Parent Assoc.); Marie Montague (Durham County
DSS); Jeanne Preisler (Consultant); Dwayne Wakefield
(SaySo); Robyn Weiser (NC Kids/NC Division of Social
Services).
Newsletter Staff. John McMahon (Editor);
Mellicent Blythe (Assistant Editor)
Mission. Fostering Perspectives exists to promote the
professional development of North Carolina’s child
welfare professionals and foster, kinship, and adoptive
parents and to provide a forum where the people
involved in the child welfare system in our state can
exchange ideas about foster care and adoption.
Disclaimer. The opinions and beliefs expressed
herein are not necessarily those of the NC Division of
Social Services or the UNC–Chapel Hill School of
Social Work.
Printing Information. The NC Department of
Health and Human Services does not discriminate on
the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, religion,
age, or disability in employment or the provision of
services. 11,400 copies printed at a cost of $4,030.74
or $0.34 per copy.
Frequency and Distribution. Issues appear ev-ery
May and November. Printed copies are sent di-rectly
to all NC county DSS agencies and to all foster
parents and child-placing agencies licensed through
the NC Division of Social Services. If you think you
should be receiving a printed copy but are not, please
contact us at the address above.
Online. www.fosteringperspectives.org
Subscribe Online. To be notified when online issues
appear, send e-mail to jdmcmaho@email.unc.edu with
“FP subscribe” in the subject line.
References. See the online version of this issue for
references cited in this issue.
When I help
my brothers it
makes me a
better person.
Being away from my
sister and not
knowing how she’s
doing makes me feel
worried and sad.
David received $15 for having his work published in Fostering Perspectives.
My siblings
are important
to me because
I have experienced
what life is like
without them.
— Dorothy,
age 16
Photo Illustration
3
What you can do to strengthen sibling connections
Ways Agencies Can Support Sibling Placements
• Siblings should have the same worker, if possible.
• Place children in homes as geographically near to each other as possible.
• When a family is recruited to foster sibling groups, don’t fill up the home with
individual children just because the beds are there. Some programs provide a
stipend for families without placements, as an incentive to remain with the
agency and keep beds open until a sibling group needs placement.
• Siblings can be placed in stages, so that the foster home is not overwhelmed
and each child can integrate into the family.
• Provide extra supports to help the family deal with logistics—transportation,
assistance with tasks such as school registration, day care, etc.
• Make supportive services such as training and respite care available and accessible.
• Encourage/start support groups in which resource families can share and learn
from one another. Families who have adopted sibling groups have the capacity
to act as mentors, support networks, and recruiters.
• Make sure resource families, especially kinship caregivers, are receiving all the
financial support to which they are entitled.
• Ask community members and businesses to help support resource families by
donating or providing at a lower cost items such as vans, bunk beds, etc.
• If siblings must be placed separately, agencies can maintain the sibling
relationship through joint therapy sessions, shared vacations, shared respite
care, and by placing siblings in the same neighborhood or school district.
Sources: CASCW, 2000; McFadden, 1983; NRCFCPP, 2004;
A great deal depends on our ability to maintain and strengthen
sibling connections for children in the child welfare system.
Placing Siblings Together Makes a Difference
Usually, the best way to maintain sibling connections in foster care
is to place brothers and sisters with the same family. Research
indicates that when they are placed together with at least one of
their siblings, children experience an enhanced sense of safety
(Shlonsky, et al., 2005) and fewer emotional and behavioral prob-lems
(Smith, 1998). They may also experience better outcomes.
For instance, studies have linked joint placement of siblings to
increased placement stability (Hegar, 2005) and to positive perma-nent
outcomes—specifically, greater likelihood of reunification
(Webster et al., 2005), adoption, and guardianship (Leathers, 2005).
Separating Siblings Can Have Consequences
For most children, being separated from their siblings means losing
one of the most significant relationship they have known. This can
have a variety of negative consequences:
• Brothers and sisters separated from each other in foster care
can experience trauma, anger, and an extreme sense of loss.
Separating siblings may make it difficult for them to begin the
healing process, form attachments, and develop a healthy self-image
(McNamara, 1990).
• Studies have shown that even babies experience depression when
separated from their brothers and sisters. In one study, a 19-
month-old girl was better able to cope with separation from her
parents than from her siblings. When the children in this family
were placed in different foster homes the baby stopped talking,
refused to eat, withdrew, and rejected affection. This persisted
even after she was reunited with her parents. It was not until
her brothers and sisters rejoined the family that the child
resumed her former behavior (Meyendorf, cited in Hegar, 1988).
• Sometimes it is only through their siblings that children have
been able to gain any positive esteem. When they see good
qualities in a brother or sister, they are less likely to see
themselves as “a bad kid from a bad family.” Siblings are often
able to reveal to each other parts of themselves that they are
reluctant to share with anyone else, thus strengthening the bond
between them (NRCFCPP, 2004).
• Children separated from their siblings in care may be at greater
risk of placement disruption and less likely to exit to adoption
or subsidized guardianship (Leathers, 2005).
Keeping Siblings Together
The primary responsibility for keeping siblings together when they
enter out-of-home care lies with child welfare professionals and
the courts. However, kinship, foster, and adoptive parents (i.e.,
resource families) can make a big difference by doing the following:
• Express an interest in sibling groups. Sometimes siblings are
separated for no other reason than that the agency involved
cannot find a single family to care for them all (Shlonsky, et al.,
2005). Resource families can help by clearly communicating to
their agencies their interest in caring for sibling groups.
• Be open to changes. Children are more likely to be separated
from their siblings if the children enter care at different times
(Wulczyn & Zimmerman, 2005; Washington, 2007). Make it clear
to your agency that you understand how important it is to keep
brothers and sisters together, and that you would consider opening
your home to the siblings of children already in your care, should
the need arise.
Maintaining Connections
Even when siblings are not in the same
placement, resource families can maintain
and strengthen sibling connections using
the following strategies, most of which
come from the National Resource Center
for Foster Care and Permanency Planning’s
Sibling Practice Curriculum (2004):
• Family-to-family visits and joint meals.
• Playgroup meetings during foster parent
support groups or training.
• Have the children join the same sports
association (e.g., play soccer together).
• Allow children to use the phone, email,
Skype, or Instant Messenger to chat
briefly on a daily basis.
• If your child’s sibling is being cared for
by another resource family in the same community, explore the
possibility of babysitting for one another or using the same
babysitter, child care, or respite provider. It is the social aspect
of spending time together in an unstructured way that is valuable
to building and maintaining sibling relationships.
• If you are an adoptive parent, consider allowing ongoing contact
with your child’s siblings even after the adoption is finalized.
• Children in foster care may live in homes with other children
(foster, adopted, or birth) to whom they are not related, but
with whom they develop ties. Ask the children in your home
who is important to them and, in collaboration with the child’s
custodial agency, help the child maintain connections with these
children as well.
• Look for opportunities to bring separated siblings together in
settings such as reunion camps specifically geared to helping
children connect with their brothers and sisters.
4
When New York City’s Children’s
Services (ACS) came into my life,
I was going through a very bad
time. I had just gotten out of an
abusive marriage, my kids were
having trouble in school and I
was depressed.
I usually turned to my sister for
guidance. My big sister, Gina
Williams-White, is a gift from
God. I am so blessed to be related
to such an angel. My sister goes
out of her way to show how much
she loves my children and me.
A Mother to Me
Gina and I have been close ever
since we were kids. When I was
only 14, we had to watch our
mom die of cancer.
Once my mom left this earth,
I went to live at my aunt’s house
and I gave up on life. Life was
hell and I wanted no part of it.
Gina was like a mother to me
during those years. My aunt didn’t
care what I was going through.
She got rid of her problem by
sending me away to live with my
demon father in Detroit. My sis-ter
came through as usual by
sending me care packages. Her
love kept me going.
When I was 18, my sister sent
for me to come back to New York.
Even though she had just gradu-ated
from college and could
barely make ends meet, she gave
me another chance.
At age 19, I married a man twice
my age though my sister begged
me not to. My sister stuck by me
all through my brief, horrible
marriage. She glued me back to-gether,
talked to me, loved me,
and helped me through my heart-break
and pain.
‘What Was I Thinking?’
But when I gave up my job and
started getting depressed once
again, I was ashamed. I did not
know how to talk to her. What
could I say? How could I let her
know that I needed even more
help? She’d already done so much.
Finally, instead of telling my
sister what I needed in a direct
way, I called the ACS worker who
kept showing up on my doorstep
and asked her to take my two
children to my sister in Staten
Island. Instead, she put them in
a foster home in the Bronx.
Looking back, I think, “Why
didn’t I just call my sister first?”
I was just so ashamed of feeling
weak.
‘It Ain’t Over!’
When my sister found out what
that worker did to me, she was
furious. She rushed over and we
cried and planned together. We
went to court the next month and
my sister got custody of my chil-dren.
The judge asked the
worker, “Why did you put the
children in foster care when there
was family willing to take them?”
Of course, she had nothing to say.
My children blossomed while
living with my sister, her hus-band,
and their son. My sister
also tried to include me in every-thing.
My visits started off very
unsatisfyingly at the agency of-fice,
but soon my sister and I
were taking the kids to movies
and out to eat together.
My Children Prospered…
As happy as I was with the way
my sister cared for my children,
we also had disagreements.
Sometimes I felt upset and frus-trated
that I could not make the
decisions I was used to making
for my children. At times, I felt
like my sister believed she knew
more about my kids than I did. I
felt embarrassed and angry when
I felt like my sister also believed
I was an incapable parent.
For instance, I had told my sis-ter
that my son got sick every two
months with a sore throat. She
didn’t believe me until she had
to take him to the doctor every
two months and saw for herself.
It definitely was not easy for
either of us to handle these
stressful situations but our love
brought us through all the diffi-culties
and misunderstandings.
We worked together to make sure
things went right for our chil-dren.
…I Felt Lost
My children lived with my sister
for three years. For a while, I felt
like I would never get them back.
I was doing what I was supposed
to do but the case seemed to drag
on. I felt depressed and lost. I
half believed my kids were better
off with my sister.
One time I briefly turned to
booze to try to drown my sor-rows.
My sister and her husband
did not tolerate that kind of non-sense.
“You better get yourself together
quick, girl. These children need
you!” my sister said.
“They don’t seem to need me.
It looks like you got everything
covered!” I said in a sarcastic
tone of voice.
My sister gave me such a look
that I immediately felt ashamed
of myself. I knew better.
Where Are My Angels?
Finally an agency worker told me
what to do to get my children
back and my children were re-turned
to me nine years ago. I
waited so long to get my angels
back but the transition was far
from easy.
After three years, my children
were too used to living with my
sister and her husband. Once they
came home, they acted like little
monsters.
For months, my kids couldn’t
wait to escape from me on the
weekends and go back to Aunt
Gina, where they felt more com-fortable.
I couldn’t blame them,
but that didn’t stop my tears of
frustration and pain.
‘Keep Going’
My sister was a big support. She
told me, “I know it’s not easy but
they love you. Don’t give up, girl.”
“You don’t have to worry about
me ever giving up again. The price
is too high. I love my babies,” I
told her. “But they are not the
same, Gina. All they talk about
is you—‘Aunt Gina this, and Aunt
Gina that. Aunt Gina, Gina,
Gina!’ Ahhhh! What the hell did
you do to my children? Just kid-ding,
but I don’t think they re-member
that I love them too!”
“When they were here with me,
they always said they missed you
and couldn’t wait to go home,”
Gina reassured me. “They just
need a lot of attention. Keep
going, Youshell.”
I realized that they were afraid
I would lose them again and that
they resented that I’d lost them
to foster care in the first place.
With help from family therapy,
my children calmed down over
time and were happy to be home
once again.
Looking to Give Back
Now my sister and I are still
close and so are our children,
especially my older daughter,
who truly adores her Aunt Genie.
I think she calls her that because
she thinks my sister is magical.
She makes so many of our
dreams come true.
I hope one day to show my
sister in a huge way how much I
appreciate the sacrifices she has
made for me and all the love,
care, and joy she has given my
children and me. I show my sister
a lot of love and buy her small
things—gold jewelry, purses—but
there’s no way I can repay her
for all she’s done.
Reprinted with permission from Rise, a magazine
by and for parents affected by the child welfare
system, © 2009, www.risemagazine.org
Her love kept me going by Youshell Williams
My Sister Helped Us All When My Kids Went into Care
5
A place for Michael by Basil Qaqish
We Thought Our Family Was Complete Until We Learned Our Daughter’s Brother Needed Us
“I am sorry,” the doctor said. “You can’t get
pregnant on your own. You’ll need an in vitro
procedure.”
This happened quite a few years back. In
vitro procedures have less than a 30% chance
of success and a high price tag. Too high for
us at the time.
You see, I had married a beautiful western
girl and immigrated to the west. My academic
degrees from back home did not amount to
much, or so I felt. So, I decided to have a
fresh start for my academic studies by get-ting
an undergraduate degree from a western
university, then pursue graduate studies.
The fact Diane, my wife, could not get preg-nant
did not bother me much. But it was a
different story to Diane. Accepting this was
very hard for her.
We Look at Adoption
Years went by. I finished my education and
our life became more stable. I had a secure
job with a reasonable income. Even though
we were not getting any younger, my wife still
longed to have children.
So we looked at adoption. Many couples
go to faraway countries like Russia and
China to adopt a child. But we had heard
there were children in North Carolina who
needed a family.
We went to the department of social ser-vices
(DSS) to learn about fostering and
adoption. We found that to get licensed as
foster/adoptive parents, a couple has to do
many things. There are classes to go to. There
are medical exams. The fire marshal has to
come to your home to make sure it is safe.
Police reports have to be obtained to make
sure you are not a danger to children.
It takes real commitment to become a
foster/adoptive parent.
My wife and I went to special classes and
met all the requirements necessary to be li-censed
as foster/adoptive parents. It took us
about eight months to get there, but finally
we got licensed.
Our Family Grows
Not long afterwards, DSS called and asked
Diane to go to the local hospital. There, a
social worker brought her a two-day old
child, Kayla, to take home and care for until
the judicial system could decide on the mat-ter.
Diane was thrilled.
It’s been almost four years since that day.
Kayla now carries my family name for her
last name. We adopted her when she was
about 16 months old.
Later, DSS placed Sierra with us. She was
a lively two-year old, but with no structured
way of life. She had been in a home where
all they ate was junk food. She did
not have any schedules of eating or
sleeping. We had to work to create
some structure in her life.
After she was placed with us, Si-erra
was given a battery of tests and
was found to be behind other chil-dren
her age in seven out of eight de-velopmental
areas. After that we took
her for therapy and tried to design
activities to help her. We also ended
up adopting that lovely child.
Sierra started school this year.
When we took her to register her in
school, they had to test her on a bat-tery
of tests geared toward under-standing
her cognitive and social skills
and development. Well—and this
brings tears to my eyes—Sierra scored
above average on most of the tests:
cognitive and social and emotional!
Children are resilient. All they need is
some structure and love and they will thrive.
A Full House
After adopting Sierra and Kayla, my wife and
I felt our family was complete. We had two
lovely children. Our lives were full and busy
with family and friends.
Plus, we had a two-bedroom house. I lit-erally
had to watch my steps to avoid step-ping
on the girls’ toys. The house was
cramped. We couldn’t even have a visitor stay
overnight. So we decided to let our foster
home license expire.
We Change Our Plans
Then one day, the DSS foster care and adop-tion
supervisor visited with my wife. Out of
the blue, she asked Diane if she wanted an-other
baby boy!
We really did not plan on another child.
But my wife asked the supervisor about the
child. As it turned out, he was a half brother
to one of the girls we adopted.
When she learned that, the decision was
made in my wife’s mind. We couldn’t say no
to a child who is a brother to our little girl.
So, when I came home from work that
day, I had a new surprise waiting for me. I
just did not know how we could make it in
such a little house!
Blessings
One of the blessings of a bad housing mar-ket
is that one can buy a much larger home
for less. This is what we did recently. We
moved to a new house where all of our chil-dren
have their own rooms—all with walk-in
closets, believe it or not! We have a home
that accommodates all of us nicely.
From left to right: Sierra, Diane, Basil, and Kayla
Tips for Reducing Sibling Rivalry
We are blessed. Michael, the new little baby,
was also two days old when he came to us.
He is almost one year old now. He is a
charming and very observant child.
I am glad my wife agreed we would care
for Michael. There is always a place in our
lives for another soul to love.
A native of Jordan, Basil Qaqish lives with his family in
Winston-Salem, NC.
• Treat each child as an individual. Help children
understand that they are treated differently by you
and have different privileges and responsibilities
because they are different individuals.
• Respect each child’s space, toys, and time when
he wants to be alone, away from his siblings.
• Avoid labeling or comparing one child to the other.
• When a new child comes into the family, prepare
the other children.
• Play detective. Watch and note when siblings are
not getting along (before dinner, in the car, etc.)
and plan separate quiet activities for those times.
• Watch how you treat each child to see if you are
contributing to the rivalry. Don’t play favorites.
• Have realistic expectations of how they should
get along, cooperate, share, and like each other.
• Positively reinforce them when they are getting
along or when they solve their own conflicts.
• Make each child feel special and important. Try to
spend one-on-one time with each child every day.
• Take time out for yourself to re-energize.
Remember, sibling rivalry is a normal and expected
part of family life.
By Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation and
Perfect Parenting
Source: US Children’s Bureau, 2006
6
Membership is open to anyone interested in strengthening foster and adoptive services in North Carolina.
Send this form, with payment (DO NOT send cash), to: NCFAPA, 2609 ATLANTIC AVE., SUITE 105, RALEIGH, NC
27604. Make checks payable to the NC FOSTER AND ADOPTIVE PARENT ASSOCIATION.
Regular Membership is open to any foster or adoptive parent and is $50 for an individual and $75 for a
couple. Associate Membership ($100 for an individual and $300 for an organization) is available to those
who do not qualify for Regular Membership.
First name #1: ______________________________ First name #2: ________________________________
Last name: _______________________________________________________________________________
Address: _________________________________________________________________________________
City: ______________________________________ State: __________ Zip: _________________________
County: ____________________________________ Licensing Agency: _____________________________
Home phone: ( ) _______________________ E-mail: _____________________________________
Membership Amt. included: __________________ Donation Amt.: _______________________________
Join the Association!
Visit the Association’s Web Site at <www.ncfapa.org>
From the Association’s President
by Stacey Darbee
Family Support Network of NC
Promoting and providing support for families
with children who have special needs
•Does your child have special needs?
•Do you need help finding information, resources,
and services?
•Do you want to know more about a special need,
disability, or diagnosis?
Hablamos español
•¿Su niño tiene necesidades especiales?
•¿Usted necesita ayuda para encontrar
información, recursos y servicios?
•¿Usted desea saber más acerca de alguna
necesidad especial, discapacidad o diagnosis?
The Family Support Network of NC provides
•Parent-to-Parent Support • Education & Outreach
•Information & Referral • Research & Evaluation
Contact us at:800.852.0042, www.fsnnc.org
Serving families since 1985 through a network of affiliated local programs
NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association
“MAGICAL MOMENTS”
12th Annual NCFAPA
Education Conference
APRIL 23 – 25, 2010
Renaissance Charlotte
Suites Hotel
Charlotte, NC
2010 NCFAPA members
receive FREE conference
registration!
The NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association is a
voice for foster, adoptive, and kinship parents in North
Carolina. Our mission is to promote quality foster and adoptive
services through collaborative advocacy, education, resources,
reunification, and networking. We partner and advocate with others
in the field of child welfare. There are over 12,000 potential members
of this association. We need your support to make sure your voice is
heard. Join today!
Meet the 2009-2010 Board of Directors
Board Members
Terry Cross - Region 1
Julia McInnis - Region 2
Shenita Miller - Region 2
Sandra Williams-Ayers - Region 3
Aaryn Fazakerly - Region 4
Chip Thompson - Region 4
Officers
Stacey Darbee - President
Wanda Douglas - Secretary
Paul Roodhuyzen - Treasurer
Tammy Mitchell - Historian
Co-Wefa Lyda - Region 1 VP
Joanne Light - Region 2 VP
Kim Stewart - Region 3 VP
Chris Powers - Region 4 VP
Legislative News
NCFAPA continues to make the general assembly aware that foster
and adoptive families are paying attention to what is happening in
Raleigh and to advocate on your behalf. When the first draft of the
state budget reduction was published this summer, it proposed to
eliminate the new foster care board rate increase we fought so hard
to obtain. Members e-mailed, called, and showed up in Raleigh.
NCFAPA also supported the Covenant with NC Children’s legisla-tive
agenda and had great support from other agencies as well. We
were at press conferences and sitting in sessions along with other
child and family advocacy groups. We walked the halls of the legis-lative
buildings and spoke to anyone who would listen. Ultimately,
the new foster care board rate increase was saved!
Go to www.ncfapa.org for Membership Info and Conference Updates
SAVE THE DATE FOR . . .
Welcome new members and sincere thanks to former members
Gregg Childers and Crystal Merritt for their dedication and hard
work in prior years! If you’d like to look into becoming a member
of the NCFAPA board please go to <www.ncfapa.org> to apply.
Special Award Presented at 2009 Conference
A special award was presented to Ms. Donna Foster for outstand-ing
service to foster and adoptive families in our state. NC Foster
Parent of the Year award went to Jessie and Arthur Kelley of Moore
County. The award for Adoptive Parent of the Year went to Claire
Duclos, also of Moore County. Congratulations to all!
7
Books on the nightstand Book reviews by Becky Burmester
I love books. There is danger
when I am in a book store and
have my credit card! Regular readers of this
column know that often the books I write
about are ones that helped our family. My
top pick for this month is The Elephant in
the Playroom by Denise Brodey.
Right now we are struggling through the
process of getting an official diagnosis for
our nine-year-old son. What we know for sure
is that he is somewhere on the continuum of
the autism spectrum. We also now know that
we did nothing (nor did his birth mother) to
cause this condition and that our son will
have a lot of hard work ahead of him as he
learns social skills that to most of us are
just automatic. He quite literally cannot read
the message in my “If you do not stop that
this instant. . .” look. Nor does he recognize
the importance of “how” something is said.
The Elephant in the Play-room
is a collection of es-says
written by parents and
siblings of children with
special needs. The book in-cludes
sections on self-care,
schools, medication, “Going
Public,” “Seeing the Forest
Through the Trees,” “A View
from Within the Whirlwind,” and others.
Editor Denise Brodey, herself a parent of
a child with special needs, introduces each
section. There follow several essays by
parents of children with differing special
needs relating to the topic. Each essay is
headed by a brief description of the child.
For example, one essay states that the author
is the mother of a 17-year-old diagnosed with
autism at age 4. All of the authors write from
the heart. The book is almost like getting
hugged and being told it will be OK. Not
easy, but OK.
I have also been rereading
The Out-of-Sync Child and
The Out-of-Sync Child Has
Fun, both by Carol
Kranowitz. These books
deal extensively with Sen-sory
Processing Disorder
and Sensory Integration
Dysfunction. The author is
the preschool teacher every child should
have. The Out-of-Sync Child is a compre-hensive
description of all things related to
the how, why, and what of sensory process-ing.
However, it is not a textbook, but very
readable. If your child has difficulties with
certain things, you could easily pick through
the book reading only the sections of inter-est
to you. The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun
is packed with safe play activities that help
address sensory integration issues.
Many children with autism must deal with
sensory integration issues. Carol Kranowitz
is a calm, reassuring voice for the parent
struggling with a child who won’t or can’t do
many things that kids his or her age do.
Kranowitz can’t make the problems go away,
but she does suggest things parents can do
to make things better, and offers clear ad-vice
about when to seek professional help.
Readers will feel empowered
by the ideas she presents for
helping their children.
Currently I am reading
Asperger’s Syndrome: A
Guide for Parents and Pro-fessionals
by Tony Attwood.
Our son’s therapist recom-mended
this book highly.
Attwood writes about this condition in such
a way that the reader begins to glimpse what
life is like for persons with Asperger’s.
The therapist also recom-mended
A Parent’s Guide to
Asperger Syndrome &
High-Functioning Autism:
How to Meet the Challenges
and Help Your child Thrive
by Ozonoff, Dawson, and
McPartland (2002). I confess
I haven’t started the book
yet, but as I scan the contents and leaf
through the pages, this book looks like it
will help us understand treatments for
Asperger’s and help us learn to live and thrive
with this challenging condition.
What books are on your nightstand? I love
to hear your recommendations. Contact me
at becky.burmester@mindspring.com or
919/870-9968.
Quick Reference for Parents
Autism Spectrum Disorders
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (2009), autism spectrum disorders (ASD) cause “severe and
pervasive impairment in thinking, feeling, language, and the ability to relate to others. These disorders are
usually first diagnosed in early childhood and range from a severe form, called autistic disorder, through pervasive
development disorder not otherwise specified, and to Asperger’s Syndrome.” These disorders are characterized
by varying degrees of impairment in communication skills, social interactions, and restricted, repetitive and
stereotyped patterns of behavior (APA, 2000).
How common is autism?
Two new government studies indicate about 1 in 100 children have autism disorders—higher than a previous
U.S. estimate of 1 in 150. Greater awareness, broader definitions and spotting autism in younger children may
explain some of the increase, federal health officials said (AP, 2009). Children diagnosed and treated at an early
age can show significant improvement. However, only 50% of children with autism are diagnosed before
kindergarten.
When and how does autism become apparent?
Children with ASD do not follow typical patterns of child development. In some, hints of future problems may
be apparent from birth. In most cases, problems in communication and social skills become more noticeable as
the child lags behind other children the same age. Between 12 and 36 months old, differences in the way
children react to people and other unusual behaviors become apparent. Some parents report the change as
being sudden, and that their children start to reject people, act strangely, and lose language and social skills
they had previously acquired. In other cases, the child’s developmental progress levels off and differences with
other children the same age become more noticeable (NIMH, 2009).
What behaviors do children with autism exhibit?
According to Kyle’s Tree House, an association of Autism Spectrum Support groups, symptoms can include
exclusivity or a lack of significant age-appropriate relationships with others, repetitious and self-stimulating
behaviors, lack of eye contact, and low attention span. Developmental delays associated with autism can be
manifested in a variety of behaviors, including:
• Behavior injurious to oneself or others • Language difficulties
• Needs in the area of self-help skills such as dressing and toilet training • Academic challenges
What can I do if I suspect my child has autism?
• Contact your pediatrician for a consultation and referral to a certified mental health clinician who has expertise
in the diagnosis and treatment of autism spectrum disorders.
• Call the school to find out about services available in your district. Talk to the counselors, social workers, and
teachers who may be working with the child.
• Join a support organization for autism and become involved with other families facing the same challenges.
• Educate yourself and your family about this disorder.
• Explore all funding sources; the treatment of autism can be expensive.
Adapted from the Adoption Resources of Wisconsin/Foster Care and Adoption Resource Center of Wisconsin, 2008
<www.wifostercareandadoption.org/library/409/AutismSpectrumDisorders.pdf>
8
D’Anna, age 11
My sister Lorisa is important because she can
play with me when I am bored. Although she
is only 7 years old, she’s still does a lot for me.
When I’m down or sad she tries to cheer me
up.
I also have two more brothers in another
foster family. I get to see them on Fridays. But
they’re still important to me, even though I
cannot see them every day. I am thankful I can
see them once a week.
My 9–year-old brother, Erick, is like my counselor. When we both
failed the EOG (End of Grade tests), he was there to say to me, “It’s
going to be OK—I failed, too.” We both share our tears. When the DSS
worker left my house and took us to our destination, all the way there
we cried.
My 4-year-old brother, Ryon, is a sweet little boy when he wants to be.
He is my everything. He lives with my brother Erick. They’re all impor-tant
to me—I love them with all my heart. Sometimes I might not like
what they do or I might lose my temper and words will come out I don’t
mean to say. But I don’t mean it. I cannot live without my brothers and
sister on my side.
D’Anna received $15 for having her letter published.
Brittany, age 14
My older brother and I are in two separate foster homes. Foster care
isn’t all that bad. The hardest thing about being in foster care (even
though we are a family) is being away from “MY” family. Through my 14
years of life, [I have lived] with my grandmother for ten, wilderness camp
for a year, and now in a foster home. Through it all I don’t get to be with
them. I love and miss them terribly. No matter what they’ll always be my
brothers and sisters. Maybe someday God can bring us together and we
can be a family again.
Brittany received $15 for having her letter published.
Kids’ Page Words and Pictures by and for Children in Foster Care Vol. 14, No. 1 • Nov. 2009
I wish on a star every night to
see them. It never comes true.
Marti, age 16
My siblings mean the world to me
because we were there for each
other through all the ups and
downs that we experienced with our
birth mom. They are the only ones
who understand me. I was the mom
most of the time because I am the
oldest and they would always tell
me what was on their mind. I miss
growing up with them. I wish on a
star every night to see them again
soon. It never comes true.
There are four of us. We haven’t been a major part of each other’s
lives for eight years now. They have a different dad than I do and he
don’t see how much I care about them. Honestly, I don’t think he
cares. The most important thing is that they are happy and have
what they need. My brothers and sister mean everything to me and
I would do anything in my power for them. I want them to know
that I love them with all my heart. I will see them again one day
soon—I promise. Marti received $15 for having her letter published.
Kenneth, age 15
The only biological family I really know is
my brothers. They mean the world to me. I
think about them every day even though I
have not seen them in three years. When I
was eight they separated us from each other. DSS said I was taking
too much of a father role and they just wanted me to be a normal
kid. So I was moved. I was so sad, but later on I understood what
they were saying.
I am going to start with my brother under me. Austin is 12. He is
in grade 7. My youngest brother is 9. He is in grade 4. A lot of people
say we look just alike. They are adopted by the same family in an-other
county. I pray that one day we will reunite.
Kenneth received $15 for having his letter published.
Writing contest continued from page 2
I pray one day we
will reunite.
I also have two
more brothers in
another foster
family . . . . I am
thankful I can see
them once a week.
Drawing by
Benjamin, age 8
Benjamin writes:
“I have one foster
brother and two adopted
brothers. Also Zach,
which was born. They
are important because
they help do jobs and
when I’m in trouble
they’re there to help me.
I love my brothers.”
Benjamin received $15 for
having his work published.
Kelvin, age 15
I am not going to be in foster care my
whole life, but I will stay connected to
my brother and sisters until the end of
time.
Kelvin received $15 for having his letter published.
Photo Illustration
9
Resources and training opportunities for families caring
for children with special needs by Karen Leclair, FSN-CI, Family Support Specialist
Many foster, adoptive, and kinship families
care for children with such special needs as
attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, devel-opmental
delay, autism, or behavioral diffi-culties.
While caring for a child with special
needs involves unique challenges, it can also
bring extraordinary joys. North Carolina has
a wealth of organizations serving families
with children who have special needs. Know-ing
where to look for these organizations,
resources, and training opportunities to en-hance
your knowledge and skills will help
you address some of your concerns and get
the support you need.
The Family Support Network is a wonder-ful
resource for families caring
for a child with special needs.
The Family Support Network,
part of the Carolina Institute for
Developmental Disabilities at
UNC-Chapel Hill (FSN-CI), pro-motes
and provides support for
families with children who have special needs.
FSN-CI maintains the Central Directory of
Resources. By calling (800) 852-0042 or vis-iting
http://www.fsnnc.org, you can speak with
a Resource Specialist about your child’s spe-cial
needs, and you can also receive printed
information on disabilities, chronic condi-tions,
and related issues.
FSN-CI is a part of the Fam-ily
Support Network of North
Carolina, which is made up of
affiliated family support pro-grams.
Each Family Support
Network affiliate provides sup-port
to local families with chil-dren
who have special needs. Their activi-ties
include information and referral, Par-ent-
to-Parent matches, sibling workshops,
support groups, and training workshops for
families and service providers. Programs can
be reached directly in the local community,
or through the Central Directory of Resources
at the numbers and addresses above.
The Family Support
Network is a great
resource for families
caring for a child
with special needs.
Sample Resources Related to Special Needs
Below are just a few of the resources in North Carolina you can use to learn
more about specific special needs and training opportunities for families caring
for children with special needs.
• The Arc of North Carolina is committed to securing for all people with
intellectual and developmental disabilities the opportunity to choose and
realize their goals of where and how they learn, live, work, and play. Arc
has 40 local chapters in the state that provide varying levels of advocacy,
education, referral, services and support to families and professionals. Web:
www.arcnc.org; Tel.: (800) 662-8706.
—Sample trainings: Special Education; Guardianship, and other issues
relating to the lives of persons with developmental disabilities.
• The Autism Society of North Carolina (ASNC) provides support and
promotes opportunities which enhance the lives of individuals within the
autism spectrum and their families. ASNC parent advocates offer expertise
in a variety of areas including information and referral, mental health
services, IEP issues, transition planning, crisis services, parent leadership
training, and workshops. Web: www.autismsociety-nc.org; Tel: (800) 442-
2762.
—Sample trainings: What is Autism?; The Autism Spectrum IEP; Staying
Safe in the Community
• ECAC is a statewide Parent Training and Information Center for families of
children with disabilities. They provide a variety of free services to families
including a toll free Parent Info Line, information packets, website, workshops
for parents and professionals, lending library, information packets, and
newsletter. All parent educators who answer the Parent Info Line or conduct
workshops are themselves parents of children with disabilities. Their website
and parent educators are especially helpful around issues of educational
advocacy. Web: www.ecac-parentcenter.org; Tel.: (800) 962-6817.
—Sample trainings: Becoming Your Child’s Best Advocate; Positive
Behavior Support; Informed, Effective Parents
• NAMI NC provides support, education, and advocacy for the families and
friends of people with serious mental illness, and for persons with serious
mental illness. NAMI focuses specifically upon those mental illnesses that
are brain disorders. These are serious illnesses that can affect a person’s
ability to think, feel, and relate to other people and the environment.
Serious mental illnesses include schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar
disorder (manic depression), obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder,
and other brain disorders. For children, the list of serious emotional
disturbances includes the above illnesses, plus attention deficit disorder,
autism, and pervasive developmental disorder. Web: www.naminc.org;
(800) 451-9682.
—Sample training: NAMI Basics, for parents or direct caregivers of
children who showed symptoms of a mental illness before the age
of 13 (no matter what age they are now)
Realistic Expectations Key to Positive Outcomes
in Special Needs Adoptions
A 2003 study of families who adopted children with special
needs found parental expectations had a significant impact on
parents' satisfaction with the adoption, the quality of the parent-child
relationship, and the perceived overall impact of the
adoption on the family. These findings underscore the need to
adequately prepare families adopting children with special needs
and provide post-adoption services that are accessible,
affordable, and available to families throughout a child's lifetime.
"Characteristics and Challenges of Families Who Adopt Children with Special Needs:
An Empirical Study" is based on a survey conducted by researchers Thom Reilly and
Laurie Platz of 249 adoptive families (including 373 children) in Nevada. All participating
families were receiving adoption subsidies or had an adoption subsidy agreement in
place as of January 2000. Other findings included:
• Close to one-third of the families (32%) reported their children's behavior problems
or disabilities as profound or severe. The longer children had been in the adoptive
home, the more likely parents were to report behavior problems.
• Fifty-eight percent of families reported not receiving enough information about
their child prior to the adoption. More than one-third (37%) of adoptive parents
reported their child's problems were more serious than the agency originally reported.
• While relatives reported having significantly more information than nonrelatives
about their children prior to adoption, no significant differences emerged between
foster/adoptive parents and new adoptive parents.
• Adoptive families reported significant barriers in obtaining post-adoption services.
Parents of children ages 14 and older reported more difficulty obtaining post
adoption services than parents of younger children.
Children's behavior problems had the greatest influence on parental satisfaction. (Fewer
behavior problems were associated with higher satisfaction with parenting.) Parents'
expectations had the second greatest influence on parental satisfaction. More realistic
expectations were associated with higher satisfaction with parenting and more positive
impact on families, marriages, and parents' relationships with their children.
While the authors acknowledge the need for additional studies to validate these
findings, they cite the following implications for adoption agencies:
• Agencies may want to increase recruitment efforts targeting families in the larger
community to adopt children with special needs since, surprisingly, no significant
differences emerged between foster/adoptive parents and new adoptive parents.
• Agencies need to ensure expectations of both foster/adoptive parents and new
adoptive parents are thoroughly assessed. Agencies must provide special training on
the developmental needs of children who are medically fragile or substance-exposed.
• This study reinforces findings from other studies that many problems of children
with special needs manifest themselves years after placement. Post adoption services
for these families are critical throughout a child's life. Agencies must develop a
wide range of post adoption services and promote and advertise these services.
Adapted from the CB Express, 2004.
94% of the NC
children adopted
from foster care
in 2006 had
special needs.
(USDHHS, 2008)
10
Ambiguous loss can haunt foster and adopted children
From Adoptalk (Winter 2009), published by the North American Council on Adoptable Children, 970 Raymond Avenue, Suite 106, St. Paul, MN 55114; 651-644-3036; www.nacac.org.
Ambiguous loss—a feeling of grief or distress
combined with confusion about the lost
person or relationship—is a normal aspect
of adoption. Parents who adopt children with
special needs may feel ambiguous loss related
to what the child could have been had he not
been exposed to toxic chemicals in utero, or
abused and neglected after birth. Birth parents
experience loss when a child is removed from
their home.
For children placed in foster care, this
type of loss tends to happen over and over
again, and is incredibly hard to process. To
help children better manage these repeated
traumas, foster and adoptive parents, as well
as child welfare workers, must be sensitive
to the role ambiguous loss plays in foster
and adopted children’s behavior.
Ambiguous Loss and Child Welfare
Ambiguous loss occurs in two situations:
when a person is physically present but psy-chologically
unavailable, or when a person
is physically absent but psychologically
present. The latter type is most common in
foster care and adoption.
Children who enter foster care lose con-tact
with their birth parents, physical sur-roundings,
and sometimes their siblings, and
enter an extremely tenuous situation. Will
the child be reunited with the birth parent
and siblings? Will the parent fight to get the
child back? Will the child remain with the
same foster family? What if the child can
never go home?!
A child placed with a family of a different
race loses something else. As editors Sheena
McCrae and Jane MacLeod point out in Adop-tion
Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Build-ing
Connections, transracial families cannot
hide. The anonymity of being in a regular fam-ily
vanishes when the “conspicuous family”
goes on any public outing.
School can be another source of unset-tling
grief. When a child moves among sev-eral
schools, both social and educational
continuity is broken. The child loses chances
to develop lasting friendships and keep up
with peers academically.
The symptoms of ambiguous loss often
mirror those of post-traumatic stress dis-order.
A child will commonly experience:
• Difficulty with changes and transitions,
even seemingly minor ones
• Trouble making decisions
• The feeling of being overwhelmed when
asked to make a choice
• Problems coping with routine childhood
or adolescent losses
• Depression and anxiety
• Guilt
Children whose adoptive parents rarely dis-cuss
the absent birth parents or birth sib-lings
feel the loss more keenly. In a study of
young adult adoptees published in a 2005
issue of the Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, sociocultural researchers Kim-berly
Powell and Tamara Afifi correlate height-ened
ambiguous loss symptoms with chil-dren
and youth who lack information about
their birth parents and have lived with a fam-ily
who failed to honor the adoptees’ connec-tion
with their family or culture of origin.
In Ambiguous Loss: Coming to Terms with
Unresolved Grief, author Pauline Boss sug-gests,
“the greater the ambiguity surround-ing
one’s loss, the more difficult it is to
master and the greater one’s depression,
anxiety, and family conflict.” This holds true
for the following reasons:
It is hard to resolve grief when one does
not know if the loss is temporary or per-manent.
Children in foster care, and even
some in adoptive families, often feel great
ambivalence about accepting a new family
when there is even the slightest chance the
birth family may still reclaim them.
Uncertainty about losses prevents chil-dren
from easily reorganizing roles and re-lationships
in their family. Children who
served as their younger siblings’ caregiver in
the birth family, for instance, can find it ex-ceedingly
hard to relinquish that role in a new
family. In fact, separation from the birth fam-ily
may make a child even more determined
to fulfill the task of caring for her siblings.
Clear, symbolic rituals do not mark fos-ter
care and adoption losses. Society rec-ognizes
death through funeral ceremonies,
but there is no equivalent for losses caused
by separation from the birth family. Know-ing
that a parent or birth siblings are still
somewhere out there can be confusing and
anxiety-inducing for foster and adopted chil-dren.
Will they run into members of their
birth family by accident? Will their parents
or siblings contact them someday?
The lost relationship is not socially ac-knowledged
or is hidden from others. For
adoptive families and their relatives and
friends, an adoption is cause for celebra-tion.
Children who are adopted, however, may
feel confused or guilty about expressing hap-piness
over being legally disconnected from
their birth family. Extended family members
and members of the community may not fully
appreciate that adoption is directly tied to
losing one’s birth family.
Others negatively perceive the circum-stances
that led to the loss. When children
are removed from families in which they are
neglected or abused and placed with foster
or adoptive families, many believe that the
children are being rescued. Children, how-ever,
even when parents mistreat them, of-ten
feel a fierce loyalty to their birth fami-lies.
After all, life with the birth family may
be all they know. It is familiar. Social work-ers
and foster/adoptive parents who believe
children should be grateful for being placed
in better functioning families need to under-stand
how very differently children in foster
care may view their situation.
How to Help Children Deal with Loss
When children—like those in or adopted from
foster care—experience multiple losses, the
psychological damage may extend well into
adulthood. Ambiguous loss can erode trust,
and adults who cannot trust typically struggle
with relationships—sometimes avoiding
closeness to forestall loss, sometimes cling-ing
to a bad relationship due to deep-seated
abandonment issues. The sooner children
can address issues raised by ambiguous
loss, the more likely it is they will learn
better ways to deal with the fallout. Below
are some suggestions that can benefit chil-dren
troubled by loss:
Help your child identify what he has
lost. In addition to losing birth parents, he
may have lost extended family members and
old friends, his home and neighborhood,
contact with people who share his heritage
or looks, his family surname, or even his
home country and native language. Give
voice to the ambiguity. Acknowledge and
validate your child if she expresses feelings
of loss. Show that you understand and sym-pathize.
Ambiguous loss—a feeling of grief or distress combined
with confusion about the lost person or relationship—is
a normal aspect of adoption and foster care.
continued on page 11
11
“Come Home to SaySo” by Nancy Carter, SaySo Executive Director
Model normal,
healthy responses:
let your children
learn how you
express sadness and
anger about loss.
Many new and exciting additions have oc-curred
with SaySo in recent months that
make it even easier to help youths connect
with other youths facing similar transitions.
“Come Home to SaySo” is our campaign to
reach young people, especially alumni, who
are transitioning to the adult world. Many
SaySo youths say they feel supported and
“at home” at SaySo events, when they call
the SaySo office, and just spending time on
our website. A recent “Come Home to SaySo”
poster contest awarded Titianna $75 for first
prize. Her poster will be printed and dis-tributed
to child serving agencies through-out
North Carolina to help promote the sup-port
and information SaySo offers to young
people up to age 24.
In addition to our new campaign, we have
added Ms. Lauren Zingraff to our staff as
Program Coordinator. Lauren comes to
SaySo full of energy and enthusiasm to help
young people meet their potential. Her back-ground
in communications and social work
provide a perfect fit for her role to help build
the SaySo organization and increase the
range of community partners that have an
interest in assisting youths. At this
summer’s orientation session, the Board of
Directors outlined three goals that Lauren
will help them achieve: (1) increase income
through the Food Lion Shares program, (2)
increase marketability and visibility, and (3)
increase service and outreach to youths
across North Carolina.
You can help SaySo reach these goals by
supporting several programs:
• Visit www.saysoinc.org, search “Food
Lion,” and enter your MVP # or call
Lauren at 800-820-0001 and give it to
her directly.
• Contact SaySo if you have an event and
need a youth speaker or SaySo exhibit.
We do our best to honor all requests.
• Visit our website often. Anyone can access
it! We are constantly updating the site,
adding new information about LINKS,
events, and other services, plus we have
added a new page for each local chapter.
As of this date, we have 16 local chapters!
We are currently seeking information from
all the local chapters to add information
to their respective pages.
• Encourage youths to join our Facebook
page. We are a closed group on
Facebook—the only SaySo INC group
that will come up on a “search.” Our
Board of Directors is
pictured on the page. We
require all members of
this Facebook group to
secure all privacy
settings to protect the young person’s
location. Lauren can help them set their
privacy settings if they call her (800-820-
0001). We also inform youths that by
only allowing friends to view their
profile, they are also protecting their
information/photos and discussions from
potential employers and school
admissions personnel.
We really are working hard to help North
Carolina’s young people support and edu-cate
each other. Encourage your young people
to join SaySo and attend our events when-ever
possible. They will receive a member-ship
card and six newsletters per year with
updates on services and information. The
events are fun but the impact is great. As
one young person said after many years of
multiple placements, “I had to come back.
SaySo was in my blood.”
We are here to stay. So whenever youths
are ready, they can “Come Home to SaySo.”
Redefine the parameters of
what constitutes a family.
Boss writes, “Acting as if the
membership list of an adop-tive
family is etched in stone
may in the end be more stress-ful
than explicitly recognizing
that the family has some am-biguous
boundaries.”
Give your child permission to grieve the
loss of his birth family without guilt. Sug-gest
times and places where your child is
welcome to express his grief, and ways in
which he can grieve. Talking, journaling,
drawing, or venting feelings through intense
exercise are just a few options.
Create a “loss box.” Debbie Riley, a thera-pist
and author who works with adopted
teens, guides clients as they decorate a box
into which they can put items that represent
things they have lost. By creating the box,
youth participate in a ritual that acknowl-edges
their loss, and construct a controlled
vehicle for revisiting losses in the future.
Include birth parents and other birth
family members in pictorial representa-tions
of the adoptive family tree. One op-tion
would be to depict an orchard where
trees grow side by side. The birth family,
former foster families, or other
significant people in the child’s
life can be other trees in the same
family orchard.
Be conscious of how certain
events—birthdays, holidays,
adoption day, etc.—may trigger
intense feelings of loss. Add or
alter family rituals to respect the child’s feel-ings.
On birthdays, for instance, you could
add an extra candle to the cake in memory of
the birth family. Or you might make a point
of saying something like, “I bet your birth
mom and dad are thinking about you today.”
Keep your expectations reasonable. A
child’s need to grieve over ambiguous losses
will not be fully cured, fixed, or resolved in
any predetermined time frame, if ever. Let
your child know that feelings related to these
losses will come and go at different times in
her life, and provide a safe person to whom
she can express those feelings.
Model normal, healthy responses to
loss. If you or your parenting partner suf-fers
a loss, share your feelings openly. Let
your children see you mourn, so they can
learn how you express sadness and anger
about loss. For boys, seeing a grown man
cry can be especially instructive.
Losses may loom especially large when
children approach adolescence. Missing
pieces of their history make the task of de-veloping
a confident self-identity much more
complicated. Some will feel that they are des-tined
to make the same mistakes as their
birth parents, so foster and adoptive par-ents
must be especially careful to avoid un-flattering
comparisons between the teen and
a birth parent, and stress that a large part
of an individual’s identity is a matter of per-sonal
choice, not some preordained fate.
Parents must also recognize that, by
parenting a child who has experienced stag-gering
losses, they will realize losses in their
lives too. Support from other parents who
are struggling with similar issues is key.
Conversations with other foster/adoptive
parents may bring to light a new way to ap-proach
issues linked to ambiguous loss, or
just help you to feel less alone. Loss is an
inevitable part of adoption; acknowledging
the role of ambiguous loss in children’s per-ceptions
and actions is the first step in the
long journey of healing.
Adapted from two articles by Jae Ran Kim (“Understanding Am-biguous
Loss” and “Adoption and Loss”) in MN ASAP Family Voices,
a publication of Minnesota Adoption Support and Preservation.
MN ASAP is a collaboration of the Minnesota Adoption Resource
Network and NACAC.
Ambiguous loss continued from page 10
12
Torn and Ripped Apart, Sewn and Glued Together
by Shanita, age 15
Maintaining connections with siblings
by Lauren Zingraff, SaySo Program Coordinator
There is no question how important it is for foster
children to be able to maintain their sibling relation-ships.
For many children in substitute care, one of the
most traumatic experiences occurs when they are sepa-rated
from their brothers and sisters.
The 2009-2010 SaySo Board of Directors has two
biological sisters as representatives. They are only one
year apart in age and their birthdays are only two days
apart. The oldest sister is 16 years old and currently
resides by her choice in a group home. The younger
sister, Shanita, is 15 years old and was recently adopted.
We thought it would be informative to see how two
siblings on two different “permanency” paths maintain
their connections. For these two sisters, being involved
in SaySo together is one way to remain connected to
each other. Their story also shows how imperative it is
to listen and take into account young people’s feelings
about permanency.
While these two sisters may not share a home any-more,
they continue to share a loving and healthy bond
as siblings. Below is Shanita’s very personal perspec-tive
in her own words on the importance of maintaining
sibling connections.
My story starts when me, my two sisters,
and my brother were taken away from our
uncle’s home. Our uncle’s abusive home.
We lived in constant fear of being beaten
for anything that upset him. We never knew
if there was going to be food in the fridge
when we came home from school. Would
he be there to open the door, or will we
have to wait in the cold, again, for a few
hours? In his house “Stupid A**,” “Idiot,”
and “Ugly Thing” were often our nick-names.
Split Up
So we were glad when we left our uncle’s
home, if somewhat frightened. But I never
thought that I would be separated from
my siblings. We were split up into two
groups. My little sister and little brother
were dropped off first. I didn’t trust who
they were staying with. . . . As we drove
away, it hit me: I would never watch Power
Rangers with my brother or play dolls with
my sister again.
What Happened Next
Me and my big sister were dropped off
not too far from my other siblings. We
had visits, but they were more like meet-ings
because our uncle had to be there.
Me and my big sister argued a lot. We
weren’t as close as I was to my other sib-lings.
We were polar opposites. But dur-ing
the four years we lived together, I think
I began to love her more.
My little sister and brother moved a lot,
unlike me and my older sister. They both
went back to our uncle. That’s when me
and my sister worried the
most. Most of the time when
we had visits he would refuse
to bring them.
My little sister didn’t stay
there. She ended up in a group
home for her behavior. It was
always hard to contact her and
when I did see her she would
hug me until it hurt.
My brother came to live with
me and my big sister because
our uncle had beaten him in a
drunken rage. I wanted to kill
my uncle when I saw my
brother’s face. He stayed with
us for a while. Yes, we argued,
but that’s what siblings do.
Adoption: I Say Yes,
My Sister Says No
By this time my foster parents had brought
up the idea of adoption. I said yes to adop-tion,
my sister said no. She was still wait-ing
for our mom to get straight and come
get us like she promised, but it didn’t seem
[to me] like she was coming along.
We all have different views on adoption. .
. . I did what I thought was best for me.
Our Relationships Now
Our brother left after about a year. I call
him every blue moon to see how he is doing.
My little sister got out of the group home
and into a foster home not too far away from
us. Our visits are better now that our uncle
is completely out of the picture. One time
we had an overnight visit, my sisters and I.
“Even though we are spread apart we are closer than
ever. I love them all dearly.”
My big sister doesn’t stay with me any-more,
and now lives in a group home.
She visits me almost every other week-end.
I was angry at everyone when [my big
sister] left. Now I’ve forgiven everyone, but
I will never forget that day when my heart
crumpled in front of me.
The bonds between me and my siblings
have been torn and ripped apart by cruel
and unknowing hands, but slowly they
were sewn and glued back together stron-ger
than ever because of our experiences.
Even though we are spread apart we are
closer than ever. . . . I love them all dearly.
13
Separated as kids, finally reunited by Clemmie Tony Brazil
Tony Brazil is a true hero to his three sis-ters.
No, he didn’t save their lives. But Tony
did put their lives and his back together
again, against all odds.
In 1993, 25-year-old Tony, and his sis-ters
Doris (26), Christine (23), and Gloria
(24) had been separated from each other for
12 years. It was a painful period in their
lives, not knowing if the others needed help,
or were even alive. But this Rocky Mount
family held out hope through the power of
God, and love, that one day they would find
each other again.
Despite having both a mother and father
when they were young, Tony says family
wasn’t what you’d expect. Neither parent was
around much, leaving the four young sib-lings,
plus their baby brother Michael, at
home alone many times. This almost cost
them their lives, when at the age of 5 Tony
set fire to the house one night in 1973. No
one was hurt, but not being able to tell the
police where their parents were got all five
shipped out to foster homes.
For years, the siblings moved from one
foster home to another, going back and forth
to Social Services. But at least they could be
together. Foster parents usually wanted ba-bies,
so Tony had the most difficult time
being placed. But even that experience
couldn’t prepare him for what happened 12
years ago. On a Monday morning, all five
went to court. Their mother was up on the
stand. Tony remembers the judge asked her,
“Do you want your children?” She said, “No.”
With their mother’s rejection, the siblings
cried, knowing they’d be separated from each
other forever. Christine and Gloria were
lucky enough to be raised in the same home
in Sanford, but the rest would be scattered
to different towns, in different counties. Over
the years, all of the siblings’ last names were
changed when they were adopted, with the
exception of Tony, who came up hard in fos-ter
homes. Letters they would write to each
other had to be given to Social Services, who
would deliver them, but wouldn’t allow a re-turn
address. Frustrated, as the siblings
grew older they stopped writing, but never
stopped dreaming of finding one another.
It was 1987 before Tony and Doris found
each other again. She was a senior in high
school, and pregnant. They always talked
about Christine, Gloria, and Michael, won-dering
where they could be and if they would
want to be found.
Seven years later tragedy struck: Doris’
husband, the father of her two children, died
of complications from diabetes. She was now
a mother alone and she needed Tony more
than ever. Doris and Tony got closer then,
because he promised to take care of her and
the children. But what prompted Tony to find
his sisters was to make Doris happy. Be-cause
when a life is taken, something is
gained back.
Then one day in 1993, after getting home
from his overnight job, Tony couldn’t sleep.
He heard a voice telling him to get up and
find Christine and Gloria. He left Raleigh and
spent an hour and a half riding around
Sanford, asking people if they knew his sis-ters.
Finally, he found Gloria’s home. When
she drove up with her boyfriend, Tony was
waiting, still not sure if she’d want to see
him again after all these years. At first, Gloria
refused to believe it was Tony. But when he
reminded her of the nickname she used to
call him—”Pumpkin”—she broke down in
tears and hugged him. This was her brother.
Soon, Gloria called Christine at work to
share the joy. Later, even more tears of hap-piness
were shed when they all went to see
Doris in Rocky Mount. That time, Tony cried
for 30 minutes. “Never thought it would hap-pen,”
Doris recalls.
Michael hasn’t been located yet, but Tony
believes they’ll see him in time. There is an-other
sister Nikki Nicole Henderson, daugh-ter
of their father by another woman, who
will not share in the joy. She was killed in a
car accident at age 22.
As for their mother, even though she’s since
seen them all together again, Tony says she
refuses to acknowledge what has happened,
the pain that they’ve suffered, and her re-sponsibility
for it.
But Tony, Christine, Doris, and Gloria are
family together once again. It’s what Gloria
says she’s always dreamed of, and now
makes her feel complete. That’s why she
wrote a poem to her brother Tony. “Tony,
you are my hero, not because you found us,
but because you never gave up.”
C. Tony Brazil lives in Raleigh. His e-mail address is
tbrazil@nc.rr.com
Siblings reunited after years of separation. From left to right: Gloria, Tony, Doris, and Christine
Debunking Common Myths about Sibling Placement
MYTH: The “parentified child” should be separated from younger siblings to give him/her a chance
to be a child.
Separating such a child from younger siblings is detrimental to the younger ones, who now must face placement
in an unfamiliar home without the older sibling who could be a source of comfort and support. It is also a
negative experience for the older child, who feels responsible for the care of siblings and may suffer great
anxiety about their fate. Placing such a group with a resource family that understands the sibling dynamics can
allay the fears of all the children and allow them to gradually develop a more “normal” relationship.
MYTH: Brothers and sisters should be separated to prevent sibling rivalry.
Sibling rivalry is a fact of life in all families. It’s even possible that such squabbles are a way children learn to
deal with other forms of conflict. Separating siblings to prevent sibling rivalry increases the trauma of removal
and denies children the opportunity to learn to iron out their differences in a safe, supportive environment.
MYTH: A child with special needs should be placed separately from siblings in order to receive
more focused attention.
Children with special needs also have the same needs all children have—to be loved, to belong, to feel safe.
Families are what satisfy these needs, and brothers and sisters are part of families. In addition, placing a child
with special needs alone makes him or her the sole focus of the resource parent’s attention, distorting the
child’s sense of place in the family and possibly overwhelming the child. Living in a family as just one member
of a sibling group—as the child did in the family of origin—allows the child to maintain normal relationships
with brothers and sisters and with the new adults in the family. A better solution is to recruit, prepare, and
support resource families who can effectively care for both children with special needs and their siblings.
Adapted from Casey Family Programs, 2003
14
A reader asks ...
Do you have advice for a family considering adopting an
older sibling group?
We are interested in adopting a sibling group of children ranging from age 4 to 15, but we’re hesitant about adopting older
children. What are some things we should consider before moving forward?
Photo Illustration
Congratulations on your decision to adopt!
While every adoption is unique, adopting
older children and sibling groups can present
specific challenges and joys to your family.
Here are some suggestions for families
thinking about adopting older children and
sibling groups:
1. Understand the value and power of
sibling bonds. Prior to their entry into fos-ter
care, many older children take on a
parenting role for their younger siblings.
Most children experience significantly less
stress when placed with their siblings. Al-lowing
visits and phone calls between
adopted children and their birth families,
when safe and appropriate, is also a way to
relieve children’s anxiety.
2. Be prepared for challenges. Don’t be
surprised if, after a “honeymoon�� stage,
children’s behaviors rapidly deteriorate for a
while. Children who have been maltreated by
adults often have difficulty learning to trust
new adults. While it’s easy to think that sim-ply
loving a child is enough to take away their
previous pain, it is not unusual for foster
children to try to reject an adoptive family so
that the family does not have the chance to
reject them. Give all children, but particu-larly
teens, the time they need to adjust.
3. Assess your commitment. Most sea-soned
adoption workers have experienced a
time in which families have adopted sibling
groups and later have tried to “return” the
oldest child. This is difficult and painful for
everyone. To help prevent this, consider be-forehand
whether there is anything a child
could do that you couldn’t handle. Discuss
these concerns with your family and the pro-fessionals
involved in your adoption. Edu-cate
yourself on attachment, rejection, and
other issues around adoption. Be honest with
yourself about the impact that potential be-haviors
will have on your family, particularly
on children already in your home.
4. Talk to, educate, and prepare your
existing children. They deserve to know in
advance what they might see and how your
parenting may change after the adoption. Let
them know that things like discipline may
look different for a while—for example, you
may be more lenient with children new to
your home than with children who have been
there longer and understand your rules. Al-though
parenting and discipline may not be
equal in the beginning, assure them that it
will be fair.
5. Be aware of the benefits available to
families who adopt from foster care. Being
in a sibling group and/or
adopting an older child may
qualify as a “special need”
and may include eligibility for an adoption
subsidy and medical assistance until the
child’s 18th birthday. Children adopted from
North Carolina foster care on or after their
12th birthday are eligible to receive a schol-arship
to attend any state college, univer-sity,
or community college in North Caro-lina.
This can include the full cost of atten-dance.
For more information, go to
<www.ncreach.org>. Children adopted on
or after their 16th birthday are also eligible
for a Federal Education Voucher of up to
$5,000 a year to any public institution of
higher learning throughout the country.
6. Be open to the blessings adoption can
bring. Don’t be surprised when you realize
that it is possible to love adopted children
as much as you love the other children in
your home. Although older children can have
difficulty reciprocating the love they receive,
know that you have provided an older child
and their siblings with a permanent “anchor”
in your community, somewhere they can re-turn
to in times of need and times of cel-ebration
and, best of all, someone to share
it with—you!
Response by Robyn Weiser, NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care Network. If you have a question about foster care or adoption in North Carolina, send it to us using the Fostering
Perspectives contact information found on page 2.
M
Resources for supporting children exposed to domestic violence
The Family Violence Prevention
Fund recently released Connect:
Supporting Children Exposed to
Domestic Violence, a trainer’s
guide and set of materials de-signed
to help resource families
(foster parents and kinship care
givers) and others promote resil-ience
among children who have
been exposed to violence. The
toolkit includes a curriculum,
PowerPoints, mini magazines,
and optional training videos and Public Service Announce-ments
(PSAs).
The materials are available to download at http://
endabuse.org/content/features/detail/1314/. Free copies of the
CD can be ordered by e-mailing childrensteam@endabuse.org
Supporting Children Exposed to Domestic Violence
Send the right messages about violence being a choice, and that the violence is not the
child’s fault. Say things like:
• The violence in your home was not your fault, no matter what anyone said.
• It’s not safe to try to stop the violence, even though you might really want to.
• It’s not your fault that you aren’t living with your mom and dad. You didn’t do anything
wrong.
• It isn’t your job to protect your mom. Your job is to keep yourself safe, and to help
keep your brothers/sisters safe.
• I don’t think your father is a bad person, but his violence is not okay. However you
feel about him is okay — it’s normal.
• If you’re angry at your mom, that’s okay too.
• It’s important to talk about how you’re feeling. (Help them think of two or three
people they could talk to).
Reprinted from: Family Violence Prevention Fund. (2009). Connect: Supporting children ex-posed
to domestic violence. Accessed Oct. 1, 2009 from <http://endabuse.org>
15
Jasmin
Sequan
Shanice
Travis (age 12) and Timothy (age 14)
These brothers are close and would like to be adopted
together. They have never been separated. They thrive
on adult attention, affection, and praise.
Timothy loves to be near adults. He likes to be help-ful
and beams when praised for his good work. He has a
great sense of humor and loves to laugh. Some of his
favorite activities include fishing, playing basketball, and
watching NASCAR. He also enjoys going out to eat, watch-ing
movies, being read to, and caring for others.
(NC# 105000864)
Travis likes to spend time playing video games and
working on his computer. He enjoys baseball, basket-ball,
and anything to do with NASCAR. Like his brother,
he also enjoys going out to eat and watching movies. He
likes going to the park. (NC# 105000865)
Sequan (age 7) and Jasmin (age 8)
Sequan is a kind, loving, and compassionate little boy with
a million dollar smile. He loves to show how much he cares
by talking and hugging. Sequan expresses himself very well
and has a special way with words. He enjoys playing with
trains and video games and absolutely loves homemade
spaghetti. Sequan enjoys playing soccer, basketball, and
football and dreams of becoming a professional football
player. (NC# 01262830)
Jasmin is an affectionate and very confident little girl.
She has a wonderfully positive outlook and excellent coping
skills. Jasmin enjoys swimming, riding her bike, taking
ballet lessons, and reading. She also likes to be artistic
and “make designs.” Jasmin plans to become a ballerina
or a model when she grows up. (NC# 01262815)
Sandra (age 12) and Pa’Cola (age 17)
Sandra is a happy, sweet, and friendly girl with
a beautiful smile. She has a pleasant personality
and a fun sense of humor. Sandra is curious and
inquisitive and loves to talk. She enjoys jumping
rope, playing basketball, and board games.
Sandra is quite an animal lover and says her
favorites are dolphins, cheetahs, and monkeys.
She also loves to dance, sing, read, and watch
TV. Sandra loves to draw and would greatly benefit from some formal classes
(NC# 01922801).
Pa’Cola is a sweet and polite girl with a terrific sense of humor. She is
dramatic, funny, and has great leadership qualities. Pa’Cola is a very social
girl with lots of friends. She likes listening to music and performing, whether
it’s dancing, acting, or singing. She wants to be a professional actor and
hopes to be able to attend a School of the Arts. Pa’Cola is athletic and
enjoys a variety of sports, from volleyball to roller skating. (NC# 01922802)
Devon (age 15)
It has been said about Devon that he “has a good head
on his shoulders and can do anything when he applies
himself.” Friendly, caring, and athletic, Devon takes pride
in taking care of his physical appearance. He makes
friends easily, has good manners, and is respectful of
adults. He has good behavior at school and at home.
Devon plays football and runs track at school, enjoys
working with computers, and likes going to movies, hanging out at the
mall with friends, and listening to music, particularly R&B and rap. He
enjoys attending church. (NC# 1056000914)
Help us find families for these children
Travis
Timothy
Shanice (age 16)
Very friendly and polite, Shanice is happiest doing things
she loves, like shopping and listening to music. She also
enjoys reading, writing, and organizing photographs into
notebooks. She is an especially talented artist and could
succeed in an art or fashion-inspired career. Shanice is
very conscientious about her appearance and takes special
care with her personal things. Shanice loves going to the
salon to have her hair brushed and fixed. She plans to
become a cosmetologist. Shanice would love to have a family of her own, but is
worried that nobody will give her a chance because of her age.
(NC# 105431735)
Darryl (age 12)
Darryl is a handsome and quiet boy who likes to be help-ful
to others. He enjoys helping out in the kitchen, working
in the yard, or just running small errands. Darryl gets
along best with children who are his age or older. He is a
talented artist and can focus on a drawing project for hours.
Darryl recently started playing football and enjoys it very
much. He plans to be either a football player or a truck
driver when he grows up. (NC# 026-3068)
Delton (age 8)
Delton is looking for his “forever family.” He is a loving,
caring, and respectful child who strives to be liked by
peers and adults, although sometimes his behaviors
get him in trouble. Like most boys his age, Delton enjoys
watching TV, playing video games, and playing outdoors
with other children. He also enjoys riding his bike and
playing basketball. He loves cartoons and his current career goal is to do
voices in cartoons. (NC # 000000845)
Darryl
Devin (age 6) and Dustin (age 7)
Devin enjoys sports, particularly volleyball.
His favorite football team is “me and Dustin.”
Devin’s foster parents say he is a lot of fun
to be around. He has a good sense of humor,
is very inquisitive, and is resilient.
Dustin enjoys riding bikes in the park, lis-tening
to rock and roll music, and playing
board games. His foster mom describes
Dustin as “an old soul” who is fun to talk with and loves to be neat.
Devin and Dustin need a loving, caring, and active adoptive family
who will set clear limits and advocate on the children’s behalf. Families
with experience as therapeutic foster care parents are encouraged to
respond. Additionally, Dustin and Devin need a family open to main-taining
contact with their two younger sisters. (# SNC1055479)
For more information on these children or adoption in general, call the NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care
Network at 1-877-NCKIDS-1 <www.adoptnckids.org>
Writing Contest
If you are under 18 and are or have
been in foster care, please send us a
letter or short essay in response to the
following:
DEADLINE: FEBRUARY 8, 2010
E-mail submissions to
jdmcmaho@email.unc.edu or mail them
to: Fostering Perspectives, NC Division of
Social Services, 1459 Sand Hill Rd., No. 6 (DSS), Candler, NC
28715. Include your name, age, address, social security number
(used to process awards only, confidentiality will be protected)
and phone number. In addition to receiving the awards specified
above, winners will have their work published in the next issue.
Runners-up may also have their work published, for which they
will also receive a cash award.
We’re Also Seeking Artwork and
Other Writing Submissions
Submissions can be on any theme. The submission requirements
described above apply. If sent via U.S. Mail, artwork should be
sent flat (unfolded) on white, unlined paper.
Get in-service training credit
for reading this newsletter!
Enjoy reading Fostering Perspectives and earn credit toward your
relicensure. Just write down the answers to the questions below and
present them to your social worker. If your answers are satisfactory, you’ll
receive 30 minutes of credit toward your training requirement. Questions
about this method of gaining in-service credit? Contact the NC Division
of Social Services at 919/334-1176.
In-Service Quiz, FP v14#1
1. Describe three common myths about sibling placement and why
they are not true.
2. Name three ways that being separated from their siblings can affect
children in foster care.
3. Name three messages or lessons you take away from reading the
essays from children on pages 1, 2, 8, and 12.
4. Describe in detail what Youshell Williams’ sister did to help
Youshell get her children back.
5. What are four things parents can do to help reduce sibling rivalry?
6. When and where will the next NC Foster and Adoptive Association
conference be held? What steps can you take so that you can attend
this event?
7. What behaviors are associated with autism spectrum disorders?
8. Who is eligible to participate in the NC Reach Program? What are
the benefits of this innovative program?
9. How can the Family Support Network help children with special
needs and their families?
10. Name four things parents can do to help children cope with
ambiguous loss.
FIRST PRIZE: $100
SECOND PRIZE: $50
THIRD PRIZE: $25
NONPROFIT ORG.
U.S. POSTAGE
PAID
PERMIT 177
Jordan Institute for Families CHAPEL HILL, NC
UNC School of Social Work
Campus Box #3550
Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550
Have You Heard about NC Reach?
Our state’s NC Reach program provides college funding and
support services to young people adopted from North Carolina
DSS foster care after the age of 12 and those who age out of the
system at 18. Benefits include:
• Funding. NC Reach provides last dollar funding after all federal,
state, and private dollars have been applied, to ensure that students can the
meet the cost of attendance at community colleges or four-year public schools.
• Mentoring. Be matched with a volunteer online mentor based on your
professional, academic, and personal interests and goals.
• Workshops. You must attend at least one workshop every semester. Topics
relate to school, work, and home life.
• Academic Support. Participants are coached by NC Reach staff; if they fall
below a 2.0 GPA they are enrolled in a program for intensive academic support.
• Internships. NC Reach coaches students on finding and successfully applying
for internships in their communities and across North Carolina.
Eligibility Requirements
• Applicants must have aged out of North Carolina’s DSS foster care system at
age 18 or have been adopted from the system after the age of 12.
• Applicants must be considered residents of North Carolina for tuition purposes.
• Applicants must attend a North Carolina state university or community college.
For a list of eligible schools, visit www.northcarolina.edu.
• Participants must maintain a 2.0 GPA on a four-point scale and be making
“satisfactory progress” towards a degree.
For further information or to enroll, visit www.ncreach.org.
Why are fathers important?