fostering perspectives VIEWS ON FOSTER CARE AND ADOPTION IN NORTH CAROLINA
May 2016 • Vol. 20, No. 2 WWW.FOSTERINGPERSPECTIVES.ORG
Sponsored by the NC Division of Social Services and the Family and Children’s Resource Program
Celebrating the difference you make
continued next page
We all have moments of doubt. We won-der:
Is what I’m doing really worth it? Do
I make a difference?
In fact, it is almost as if the harder
your job is, the more you care, the more
likely you are to have these questioning
moments.
It’s hard to say why this is. Maybe we
get too close to the struggle, or get dis-couraged
by the slow pace of change.
Maybe we forget that every victory, no
matter how small, is worth celebrating.
A Reminder
Well, if you’ve ever questioned the
impact you have as a kinship caregiver
or foster or adoptive parent, this issue
of Fostering Perspectives is for you. In
it you will find a host of clear reminders
of the many ways you and your fellow
resource parents make the world a bet-ter
place.
In particular you’ll find articles shin-ing
a spotlight on the countless every-day
actions we too often discount or
overlook: reaching out to support one
another. Speaking up in court and in
child and family team meetings. Advo-cating
with schools and providers on
behalf of children. Connecting with chil-dren’s
parents. Loving and nurturing
vulnerable kids, even when they’re strug-gling
with their emotions, behavior, and
ability to trust.
Thank You
Being a resource parent is a big job, and
it isn’t always easy. But as the words of
the children at right and in other parts
of this issue testify, what you do matters
a great deal. Thank you for all you do to
make life better for children, families,
and communities.
How I helped my daughter turn it around at school by Toni Davis
It was about 95 degrees and all I
could see were people, cars and
trucks, luggage, long lines, bicy-cles,
and signs pointing to differ-ent
buildings. It was move-in day
for freshman. My daughter was
in college and it was the scariest
time for us.
I felt a range of emotions. Of
course I was extremely proud,
but I was also very nervous.
School hasn’t always been easy
for her.
“I hate school!”
I recall the night she was placed
with me. She arrived with a book
bag and an overnight bag. She
did not talk at all. When you
asked my daughter a question,
she would just nod in response.
But when I asked her about her
school, she spoke up.
“I hate school!” she shouted.
I knew then education was
going to be a big hurdle on this
journey ahead of us.
What I Observed
For me the word “hate” is so
strong I needed to step back
and evaluate how to help her. I
began to observe the interactions
between her and her teachers
when I would walk her to her
classroom.
to the store to help shop for our
food.
I needed her to be involved
at school so she could feel it
belonged to her.
To figure out how to help her
belong, I had to get involved. I
began volunteering in her class-rooms
and chaperoning field
I knew education was going to
be a big hurdle on the journey
ahead when she shouted,
“I HATE SCHOOL!”
One of the things I
quickly noticed was
that other students
seemed to be comfort-able.
They said my
classroom, my school,
and my teacher.
My daughter said the
classroom, the school,
and the teacher.
It didn’t seem she
belonged or took ownership at
all in her school. At that point I
made a decision to do what I do
at home.
Getting Involved
At home, I involved her. She dec-orated
her own room. She not
only helped me make dinner but
helped select the meals and went
Reminders from Young People
My foster parents care so much about me.... Now this
is what I call my home. . . . Without them, I would
have given up my dream to go to college and make
something of myself. —Sierra, age 17
[My adoptive mother] is too sweet—I love her. I trust
[her] the best. She helps me. She gives me kisses before
I go to bed. —Byanca, age 8
The thing that they have given me the most of is love
and compassion. Nothing can beat that, not even a trip
across the world. —Austin, age 13
My foster mom and dad adopted me. I am so glad they
did. With their guidance I feel . . . I can accomplish
anything. —Sofi a, age 12
Since she entered that door and became my foster par-ent—
part of my family—my life changed. . . . For the
better. —Ericka, age 16
Reprinted from past issues of Fostering Perspectives
2
continued from previous page
trips. This helped my daughter
open up and talk to students and
teachers that she normally would
not interact with.
While I was volunteering I noticed
things my daughter was interested
in knowing more about. I also
became aware of areas she needed
help.
In preparation for the End-of-
Grade (EOG) testing the school offered
tutoring. It was encouraged and free, but my
daughter would never sign up for anything.
Being a Bridge
This is where I recognized that I was going
to have to be a bridge between my daughter
and the school. I spoke with the guidance
counselors and informed them that they
were missing a lot of students by just offer-ing
tutoring. Students like mine needed to be
reached out to individually and sold on the
benefits of tutoring. I also suggested that par-ents
be notified and transportation offered
for those students.
I was so grateful the guidance
counselor heard my concern and
reached out. My daughter got tutor-ing
and received a 4 (out of 4) on
the EOG test that year.
Connecting to Clubs
The tutoring experience made me
think there could be more outreach
for other students like my daugh-ter.
We went together to every club or orga-nization
at her school to gather information.
I just told her we needed to go because I
was gathering information about her school.
She would never have gone without me, or if
she thought it was for her.
She became interested in a couple of clubs
and stuck with them all the way through high
school. My daughter also started a support
group under the direction of her guidance
counselor for students who were grieving.
Staying Involved
When my daughter got to middle school and
high school, it wasn’t as easy to volunteer
How I helped my daughter turn it around
and be physically there with her. I had to find
new ways to stay involved.
I reached out to every one of her teachers
once a week. The guidance counselor and I
communicated twice a month about classes
and opportunities that may be a good fit for
her.
I also served on the PTSA board and was
Team Mom for her volleyball and rugby
teams. I constantly looked for opportunities
to engage and stay connected with her so she
felt supported at school.
And it worked. My daughter graduated
from high school with Honors and is now
attending college.
When Fostering Perspectives approached
me about writing this article I called my
daughter and asked why she thought she was
so successful in school.
“I always felt like you believed I could do
it,” she replied. “And when I saw how invested
you were in my education, Mom, I just fol-lowed
your lead. I’m glad I did.”
Toni Davis is a foster parent in North Carolina.
“Mom, when I
saw how invested
you were in my
education, I just
followed your
lead. I’m glad I
did.”
Make a difference during National Foster Care Month
This May, the Children’s
Bureau celebrates National
Foster Care Month, focus-ing
on family reunification
with the theme “Honor-ing,
Uniting, and Celebrat-ing
Families.” To children,
youth, families, caregivers,
and professionals involved
in foster care, celebrating
means taking action.
The National Foster Care
Month website, http://www.childwelfare.gov/fostercaremonth, pro-vides
materials showcasing best practices and information to help
youth connect with biological parents, other family members, and
their cultural heritage.
The website is the U.S. Children’s Bureau’s one-stop-shop for the
foster care community to:
• Access free information and tools from the resource section
• Engage with each other through the National Foster Care Month
Facebook Campaign Page to promote their events, make new con-tacts,
and share stories
• Inspire others by sharing real-life stories, which are first-person
accounts of making successful, permanent, connections
State-by-State foster care contact information, along with free out-reach
tools, are also available on the website for anyone interested in
foster care.
Visit the National Foster Care Month website today and bookmark
it for later at https://www.childwelfare.gov/fostercaremonth
For more information, contact Child Welfare Information Gateway
via email (NFCM@childwelfare.gov) or phone (800/394-3366).
What is National Foster Care Month?
May is National Foster Care Month—a time to acknowledge everyone
who helps children and youth in foster care fi nd permanent homes and
connections. It is also a time to focus on ways to create a bright future
for the more than 400,000 children and youth in foster care.
The materials on the National Foster Care Month site illustrate best
practices in promoting a youth’s connection with biological parents,
other family members, and their cultural heritage. Best practices and
strategies that support family reunifi cation efforts in child welfare are
also highlighted.
What resources will be available on the National Foster Care Month website?
This year, the website provides resources about supporting youth, par-ents,
foster families, kinship caregivers, professionals, and the commu-nity
by offering information that illustrates best practices and strategies
that support family reunifi cation. You can access these resources at
https://www.childwelfare.gov/fostercaremonth/resources/.
What are Real-Life Stories?
Storytelling is a powerful way to connect real-life scenarios to important
practice issues. Each year, the National Foster Care Month website fea-tures
real-life stories of children, youth, and families that can help child
welfare workers, managers, training staff, and others engage audiences
in a variety of settings. From training to recruitment, these stories are
great tools for gaining perspective and highlighting the role each of us
has in enhancing the lives of children and youth in foster care. View the
stories at https://www.childwelfare.gov/fostercaremonth/reallifestories/.
How can I spread the word about National Foster Care Month?
There are a number of tools you can use to help promote National Fos-ter
Care Month. Check them out at https://www.childwelfare.gov/foster-caremonth/
spread/.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/fostercaremonth/
3
What do youth appreciate about foster parents?
by Megan Holmes
What do young people in fos-ter
care in North Carolina
appreciate about their foster
parents? To find out, I spoke
with youth in care from different parts of the
state at an event called SaySo Saturday. (For
more on SaySo Saturday, see box below.)
The youth I spoke to were between age 15
and 19. None had ever been adopted, but
some voiced a desire to be included in a fam-ily
at some point in the future.
Preparing Myself
Before I talked to the youth, I mentally pre-pared
myself for negative responses, because
my own experiences with foster parents were
not all pleasant. However, when I share with
you what I heard I think you will be reas-sured
about the impact you are making.
Life Skills and Bonding
One person I spoke to said she appreciated
being taught how to cook by her foster par-ent.
This young lady said the thing she appre-ciates
most about those opportunities in the
kitchen were that they offered her sacred
moments of mother-daughter bonding—
something she had eagerly sought but never
received from her biological mother.
Discipline
Along with moments of bonding, youth also
expressed their appreciation—and this was
a surprise to me—for the discipline they
received from their foster parents.
As 17-year-old KD put it, “I really
appreciate how my foster mom lets me
do what I want—to a certain degree.
She lets me do fun things, like going
to the movies, but she still gives me
good discipline. And I didn’t have that
at some of my other foster homes.”
KD says he feels this discipline has
helped keep him out of trouble that he
would normally be involved in.
Genuine Concern
Although it may seem as if your foster
or adopted youth is easily angered, agi-tated,
and frustrated with you, know
that they greatly appreciate you for your
genuine concern. This is something
some youth have not yet experienced
while in care.
Acceptance and Inclusion
Youth want to feel included and to be
treated as if they are family, not as the
“black sheep” of the family just because
they are in foster care.
For example, 17-year-old Machi told
me what he appreciated most about his
foster parents is that they call him
“son.”
“I’ve never been called ‘son’
before” he says. “Everything except
that . . . So I was kinda shocked
when they first said it. But then
they called me that so much that it
became like a second name to me.
They always make me feel a part of
the family when they call me that.”
Most of the time, youth in care
can relate to Machi’s experience
and would like to be called “son”
or “daughter.” However, be sure to ask their
permission before you begin doing this; you
don’t want to make them more uncomfort-able
than they may already be.
Building Trust
As you are aware, some youth find it difficult
to open up or to trust due to their past expe-riences,
which have caused them to form
protective barriers.
Luis, a 16-year-old I spoke to, said it
best: “It’s not that we don’t want to open up
and trust [our foster parents]. It’s just hard
because of what we’ve been through. And
sometimes, the foster parents don’t make it
easy to try to build a relationship with them
because they try too hard.”
His advice? “Just be patient with us and
really care about having a relationship with
[us], and that’ll make it easier for us to come
to you and build relationships with you.”
To help resolve situations like this, offer
support to your youth. Offer a listening ear if
they would like it. Maintain an approachable
but respectful demeanor so youth will know
they can come to you when they are comfort-able.
All this will showcase your care for the
youth without being forceful, which makes it
easier to establish a solid relationship that is
built upon trust.
Take Comfort
Even if your youth seems to dislike your par-enting
style, take comfort in knowing that
you offer them something they may have not
yet experienced. Because of your consistency,
love, and care, they will remember you and
appreciate you more than you will know.
Megan Holmes is a foster care alumna; she attends
North Carolina Central University, where she majors in
Spanish and Social Work.
SaySo
SaySo, Strong Able Youth
Speaking Out, is a statewide,
North Carolina-based association
of youth aged 14 to 24 who are
or have been in out-of-home
care. This includes all types of
substitute care, including foster
care, group homes, and mental
health placements.
MISSION
“To work to improve the substitute
care system by educating the
community, speaking out about
needed changes, and providing
support to youth who are or have
been in substitute care.”
SaySo, Inc.
Tel: 800/820-0001
(toll-free)
Email: sayso@ilrinc.com
Web: www.saysoinc.org
SaySo Saturday
SaySo Saturday is an annual youth conference that pro-vides
youth who are or have been in substitute care in
North Carolina the opportunity to network with other
youth in care and participate in essential life skill work-shops.
We also draw names for door prizes and elect
SaySo’s next Youth Board of Directors. SaySo Saturday is
held every year on the fi rst Saturday of March.
Other Annual SaySo Events
It’s My Transition. This one-day seminar is for older
youths (16+ years of age). Three are held annually. Each
seminar focuses on two of the seven LINKS outcomes.
LINK-Up Youth Conference. This one-day life skills con-ference
is for youths ages 13-16. Workshops and games
are facilitated by SaySo’s Board of Directors and adult
supporters. Conferences are usually held in January and
August each year.
SaySo Survivor. This is a weekend leadership retreat that
allows SaySo members to explore their resiliencies and
move from surviving to thriving.
To learn more about these and other SaySo activities please
contact SaySo using the info in the box at left.
Because of your
consistency,
love, and care,
these youth may
remember you and
appreciate you
more than you will
know.
4
Together in the trenches by Bob DeMarco
To give our best to our children, resource parents need support from each other
If we allow
others to help
carry the load,
we’ll be in the
best possible
position to give
our best to our
children.
When children
have experienced
trauma, we some-times
need to
parent them differently. This can
make all the difference for our
kids, but it can also lead us to
isolate ourselves from those who
can support us.
Whether our motivation is to
protect, teach, or prevent, often
our go-to solution includes lim-iting
social interaction in some
way. Left unchecked, this can
lead to ineffective parenting and
a generally unhappy home.
Really, social interaction is
a lifeline for resource parents.
Spending time with others who
have also given of themselves
through fostering and adop-tion
can be a significant source
of rejuvenation and fuel in your
parenting “gas tank.”
Parenting a traumatized child
is akin to running a marathon. We
might be able to go the distance
alone, but our chances of finish-ing
well dramatically increase
when there are people handing
us water along the way and we
are invigorated by the energy that
comes from those cheering us
on. Who knows? If we run with
friends, it might even be fun!
Understanding the Problem
Why do we foster, adoptive, and
kinship parents isolate ourselves?
Understanding the profound
effect of early trauma helps us see
the frightened child behind the
sometimes maddening behaviors
we experience. This understand-ing
affects the way we respond
to the child. But those who are
less informed about these things
are often not so understanding.
Knowing this, to protect our kids
we may pull back from family,
friends, and neighbors.
Regulating their bodies, emo-tions,
and behaviors is chal-lenging
for our kids. As a result,
“normal” child’s play can often
become chaotic and it is hard
for our kids to settle down from
play. Knowing we’re likely to
pay a heavy price afterwards,
we decline the invitation to that
sugar-saturated birthday party
with the bounce houses. We pull
back some more.
A child’s response to trauma
can manifest in undesirable
ways, including impulsivity,
aggression, inappropriate talk,
and poor judgment to name just
a few. As a result, we need to
be alert to prevent harm to our
kids, their peers, property, and
pets. Since we can’t control what
happens when they aren’t with us
and because other parents may
not be looking out for these kinds
of dangers, we tend to keep our
kids close. And so we pull back
still more.
Over time, without even realiz-ing
it, many small decisions like
these can leave us isolated.
My Family’s Experience
My wife and I are working to dig
ourselves out of the isolation pit
right now. In an effort to protect
our kids, ourselves, and/or oth-ers,
we stopped hosting dinner
parties, stopped attending social
functions, and stopped trying to
share our burdens with those
who can’t relate to them.
And while our reasons for this
can be easily understood, we’ve
come to see that isolation is
unhealthy for us individually, for
our marriage, and for our inter-actions
with people outside our
home. Most ironically, it inter-feres
with our ability to effectively
parent our children.
Experiencing Connection
It wasn’t until we attended a
weekend conference by Empow-ered
to Connect (http://empow-eredtoconnect.
org/) that we
realized just how much we had
missed engaging other adults in
an affirming way. This regional
conference was attended by
about 1,400 parents and care-givers
all struggling to love their
children in the face of the same
difficult circumstances we were.
It was such a relief to see we were
not alone and to share our fears,
failures, hopes, and successes
with people who knew what was
at stake.
We were infused with hope
when we heard the key-note
speakers share
their success stories
and felt sadness and
empathy when they
shared their failures.
We laughed and cried
with the rest of the
audience at some of the
crazy stories we heard.
We were encouraged and our
strength was renewed when we
heard about effective new strate-gies
we could put into practice in
our own home.
Between the mix of emotions,
the validation of our methods,
and the new ideas we got, we
left feeling energized and ready
to stand tall beside our kids. We
resolved we would never again
allow ourselves to become an
island, and that others needed to
hear about the strength and heal-ing
we found in uniting with oth-ers
who are working toward the
same goals we are.
When we came home we
reached out to acquaintances
who were struggling. We began
meeting monthly to support,
pray for, share, and grow with
one another. Coming out of that
group we found some close
friends who we still get together
with regularly.
Friends Who “Get It” Matter
Last spring was pure chaos in
our home. For some unknown
reason, two of our kids lost their
sense of safety and so they began
to act out in an effort to gain
control. They ran away, found
and used matches, stole and hid
kitchen knives, had tantrums,
and hid from us.
We had the police visiting us,
we had hospitalizations, and we
missed work due to school sus-pensions
and meetings.
My nerves were frayed, my
fuse was short, my blood pres-sure
was high, and I wasn’t sleep-ing
well.
During that time we were hang-ing
onto God, our friends, and
each other for dear life.
Having close friends who “get
it” provided a much needed
outlet to express our
anger, frustrations,
secret thoughts, fears,
and plans. And, since
our trauma-informed
friends were not as
close to our situation as
we were, they brought
an informed and more
objective viewpoint as
we struggled for calmer waters at
home.
The storm eventually subsided
for us, but now our friends are
in the storm, and we are able to
support them as they struggle to
stay afloat.
Our Kids Need Our “A” Game
Parenting the trauma-affected
child can sometimes be hard and
tiring work, but our kids need us
to bring our parental “A” game,
even when we’re tired. When we
attempt to carry the load alone,
at best we’ll not be as good as we
could be and at worst we’ll burn
out spectacularly. On the other
hand, if we allow others to pour
into us and help carry the load,
we’ll be in the best possible posi-tion
to give our best to our chil-dren.
If social media is your thing,
you might find the “Parent-ing
with Connection” Facebook
group (https://www.facebook.
com/groups/parentingwithcon-nection/)
helpful and interest-ing.
It’s a closed group so you’ll
have to request to join to see the
posts, but I recommend you do
it. I think you’ll find it a valuable
resource.
However you choose to plug
into an informed support sys-tem,
do it today. You’ll be invigo-rated
by the energy that comes
from the crowd cheering you on
as you run by. Who knows? It
might even be fun!
Bob DeMarco is an adoptive parent in
North Carolina.
To Find a Resource Parent
Support Group Near You
Call NC Kids Adoption and
Foster Care Network toll free
at 1-877-NC KIDS-1.
5
How resource parents infl uence child and family
outcomes in and out of court: One judge’s perspective
by J. Stanley Carmical
As a parent myself, I am well aware that par-ents’
worst nightmares often involve the fear
that something terrible will happen to your
children. While presiding over sessions of
abuse, neglect, and dependency court during
the past 26 years I have frequently thought
that for the mothers and fathers appearing
before me in juvenile court, the nightmares
have indeed come to pass.
Families & Children I See in Court
These parents, caught up in the confusing
world of the court system, are confronted
with the very real possibility that they may
lose custody of their children. Perhaps for-ever.
As frightening as this seems to the par-ents,
they can at least take some steps to
improve the chances that their children will
return home.
Their children are not so fortunate.
Children are creatures of habit and rou-tine.
Removing them from the care of their
parents and from the places they know as
home is a shocking and traumatic event over
which the children have no control.
Imagine how it must feel to a child for a
stranger to appear in your home and spirit
you away to a strange place populated by unfa-miliar
people. Everything these children have
relied on as normal daily life is taken away.
They must feel that everyone in their lives
they trusted to keep them safe from harm
has forsaken them.
Resource Parents Have a Big Impact
Into the world of chaos and despair inhab-ited
by these children step foster parents,
adoptive parents, and kinship parents.
These resource parents offer a shelter in the
storm for children removed from the care of
their families. In part the shelter consists of
a safe place to stay while parents work on the
issues that led to the removal of the children.
But the good done for these children
includes so much more than merely pro-viding
a safe room in which to sleep and a
place to eat. Resource parents offer a sense
of normalcy and predictability, a sense that
adults can be depended on and perhaps even
trusted and loved.
The ways these parents make a difference
in the lives of children are truly too numerous
to count, but I’d like to name a few:
• Many go out of their way week after week
to accommodate birth parents’ requests
for visits with their children.
• Many go to incredible lengths to see that
siblings are not isolated from brothers and
sisters if they are in different placements.
• They frequently identify children’s devel-opmental
delays that have gone unnoticed
or unaddressed in the past.
• They actively engage with teachers and
school staff to make sure children’s edu-cational
needs are properly addressed.
Sometimes when reviewing cases in court I
feel that the foster parents and kinship par-ents
are working harder to achieve the chil-dren’s
return home than the children’s own
mothers and fathers.
They Provide Judges Valuable
Evidence and Insights
One of the unintended benefits of the dedica-tion
of these women and men, these compas-sionate
people willing to open their homes
and hearts to children in need, is that judges
like myself are afforded another perspective,
another window, into the lives of these chil-dren
and their natural parents.
In many instances the evidence on which
a judge bases crucial decisions affecting chil-dren’s
lives more closely resembles a photo-graphic
snapshot than a feature-length film.
Judges base decisions on slivers of the evi-dence
potentially available to the court.
I have learned that foster parents, kinship
parents, and adoptive parents can help a
decision maker bridge the gap from a “snap-shot”
to “video quality” evidence. Consider:
• Who spends every day (and night) with
the children whose cases come before my
court?
• Who knows what anxiety the children
experience before and after visitation?
Who can describe the grief and sense of
loss when parents skip a scheduled visit?
• Who can tell a judge about the possible
conflict between family members that
affects children in predictably negative
ways?
• Who is keeping tabs on educators and
other service providers and holding their
feet to the fire to meet their obligations to
these children?
• Who interacts with virtually every person
and agency who has some interest in the
outcome of the juvenile cases I am called
to decide?
The answer to all these questions is: the fos-ter
parents. The kinship parents. The adop-tive
parents.
A judge willing to invest a little time and lis-ten
to resource parents can learn much about
the children’s experiences and the people who
play significant roles in their young lives.
The evidence provided by resource par-ents
is almost always motivated by a sincere
desire to see that the court system meets
the real needs of children instead of losing
them in that same system. The work we do
together concerns the lives of real people,
not mere cases and court files. Our work is
enhanced when it relies on more and higher
quality evidence. Resource parents help fill
in the gaps and have greatly impacted my
decision making in hundreds of juvenile
cases during my years as a judge.
Thank You for “Standing Tall”
Many people, including Abraham Lincoln,
have been credited with saying, “A person
never stands so tall as when he stoops to
help a child.” Our foster parents, kinship
parents, and adoptive parents spend a great
deal of their days and nights stooping to help
the children entrusted to their care.
When I see them at the courthouse, they
may be stooping to wipe away a tear or a
runny nose, but in my mind’s eye, they are
standing tall.
J. Stanley Carmical is Chief District Court Judge in
Robeson County, NC (District 16B).
Resource parents have greatly
impacted my decision making in
hundreds of juvenile cases during
my years as a judge.
You’ve Got a Right to Be Heard
All foster parents and pre-adoptive parents and
relative caregivers in the U.S. have the right to
be notifi ed of any court proceedings with respect
to the children in their care, and the right to be
heard in those proceedings. Foster parents are not
a “party” in court, nor do they have “standing” in
court, but if they choose, they can attend and their
voice and their important, vital knowledge of the
child will be heard by the judge.
Nervous about Speaking in Court?
Check out this article from a past issue: http://
www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv13n2/court.htm
6
Making a difference by maintaining connections
by Donna Gillespie Foster
When they’re
in foster care,
one of the
greatest gifts we can give young
people is to help maintain—or
strengthen—their connections to
their families. To do this well, it
really helps if we have good rela-tionships
with the birth families
as well.
This isn’t always easy. Work-ing
with birth parents and main-taining
children’s connections
to them can be very challenging.
In fact, maintaining connections
often requires “out of the box”
thinking and approaches.
Attitude Matters
Children come into the care of
foster, kinship, and adoptive par-ents
because the birth parents
have great needs of their own
that prevent them from raising
their children in a safe environ-ment.
Co-parenting with angry
and hurt birth parents can be
extremely difficult.
For my 17 years as a foster
parent, I remember having to
constantly think “out of the box”
to build relationships with birth
parents. Proving I am not judging
them and that I am no better than
them took a lot of effort. When I
was successful, it was because I
cultivated an attitude of humility
and acceptance.
I tried to ask myself, “I haven’t
had their life struggles and expe-riences,
so who am I to judge?” I
don’t want others to judge me. I
knew I couldn’t help birth fami-lies
if I put expectations on them
to live a certain way.
Look for Signs of Success
Successful kinship, foster, and
adoptive parents seem to have
similar beliefs as to what their
role is in helping children and
their birth families. They also
know success when they see it.
For example, you know you are
successful when children can talk
comfortably in front of you about
their birth families without fear
you will make hateful comments
about them. Instead, they know
they will hear you talk about the
strengths of their parents.
Moments for Teaching
Another indicator of success is
when birth parents want you to
help them learn safer and more
loving ways to raise their children.
This is a good sign that reunifica-tion
may eventually occur.
I’ve got a great example of this.
I know a couple that could not
conceive. They hoped, one day,
they could adopt to complete
their family. When a newborn
baby girl was placed in their
home, this new foster mother
attached to her quickly.
Now the goal for this child
was reunification with her young
birth mother. The foster mother
wanted to meet the birth mother,
so she brought the baby to the
first visit.
Right away, the foster mother
noticed the birth mother held
her baby awkwardly. She did not
hold the infant close and seemed
confused.
Instead of judging this young
woman, the foster mother gen-tly
said, “Your baby misses your
heartbeat. She heard it for nine
months and is bonded to you.
Can I help you to hold her so she
can lay her head on your heart?”
The young mother cried and
said yes. In a few minutes, the
birth mother was cuddling her
baby, speaking softly to her and
rocking her.
When the foster mother told
me about this exchange I asked
about her emotions, since I knew
she would love to adopt this child.
She simply said, “She wasn’t my
child. She was her baby. My baby
will come later.”
This foster mother respectfully
shared parenting ideas with the
birth mother. In time, the baby
returned home.
After Reunification
It’s an even greater success when
kinship and foster parents stay
connected to the birth family
after reunification. When birth
parents have ongoing support,
it lessens the chance of children
re-entering care.
Even if reunification can’t hap-pen,
building relationships with
birth parents can lead to suc-cess.
When a parent realizes they
love but cannot raise their child
and relinquishes their parental
rights to kinship, foster, or adop-tive
parents that, too, is success.
And when relinquishment hap-pens
and there is a good relation-ship
between the birth parent
and adoptive parent, the child is
more likely to stay connected to
their birth family. This is good
for the child.
Sibling Connections
Foster and adopted children
struggle deeply when they are
separated from their siblings. It
is a great success when we can
prevent this from happening.
I have seen foster and adoptive
parents either have all of the sib-lings
in their homes or, if that is
not possible, take steps to ensure
siblings have regular contact
through life books and shared
activities, celebrations, and play-times.
These families are really
one huge family unit.
After Adoption
Even after adoption there can be
real benefits to sustaining or rec-reating
children’s connections to
their birth families. Consider this
story of “out of the box” thinking.
A foster parent adopted a teen
who had many placements over
the course of six years. This teen
had not seen her birth mother
or siblings during all of those
years. This adoptive mother saw
how the youth anguished over
not knowing her birth family and
constantly searched for them.
After the adoption, she and
her daughter found her daugh-ter’s
birth mother. After making
contact they started visits in the
adoptive home and progressed to
day-long visits in her birth fam-ily’s
home. Today, overnight vis-its
with birth mom and siblings
continue.
Are there are struggles? Yes.
From guilt, the birth mom tries
to be a friend to her child, rather
than a parent. But the adoptive
parent has to set healthy bound-aries
and things are going reason-ably
well. She does not intend to
change her mind about including
the birth family in their lives. She
believes that if she is to attach
successfully with her adoptive
child, the child needs her birth
family connections as well.
Thank You!
Is any of this easy? No! But family
ties are in “permanent ink.” They
can never can be erased. I salute
you for sharing of photos, finding
the birth parent strengths, creat-ing
life books so children won’t
forget, sharing parenting ideas,
and being a continued support
for children and their birth fami-lies.
Thank you for the difference
you make.
Donna Foster is a national trainer, con-sultant,
and author of the series “Shelby
and Me: Our Journey Through Life
Books” (reviewed in Fostering Perspec-tives,
vol. 20, no. 1).
Shared Parenting:
Potential Benefits for Resource Parents
Creating supportive relationships with birth parents may:
• Enhance child development, learning, and well-being by encouraging the
child to return to the child role;
• Decrease children’s defi ant behavior by reducing their desire/need to
demonstrate loyalty to birth family;
• Provide information and insights that enable foster parents to meet chil-dren’s
needs earlier and in a more effective way, thus helping children and
reducing foster parent frustration;
• Reduce confl ict with birth parents over various issues (e.g., grooming);
• Increase birth parent support for foster parents by reassuring them their
children are being well cared for and that foster parents do not seek to
replace them; and
• Create a positive connection between the foster parents, the child, and
the child’s family that will not have to end, even if the placement does.
Source: Russell & McMahon, 2005
7
Making a difference at child and family team meetings
by Claudia Kearney
Foster parents and kin-ship
caregivers some-times
find Child and Family Team
meetings intimidating. It’s easy to
see why. At CFTs the biological par-ents
and families are there, talking
about what they want and need and
what the agency needs the parents
to do in order to reunify with the
child. Given this, it’s natural for resource
parents to ask themselves, “What do I have
to add?”
In my experience, the answer to this
question is: “a lot!” As someone who has
facilitated many CFT meetings, I have seen
time and again that having resource parents
involved in CFTs brings benefits to every-one.
To illustrate this, I’m going to describe
the different phases of the CFT meeting
process and give an example of how I have
seen a resource parent make an important
contribution during that phase.
MEETING PHASE: Introductions
Use the introductions at the start of the
meeting to become a person, rather than
just a title, to the people in the room. This
is a chance to tell everyone how you would
like to be addressed and how you view your
relationship to the child.
Example: At one meeting a foster parent
said, “My name is Kim and I have the privi-lege
of sharing my home with TJ during this
time and being a new member of Amanda
and TJ’s extended family.” The way Kim
introduced herself set the tone for the rest
of the meeting; I saw others present trying
to follow her positive lead.
MEETING PHASE: Review of Purpose
Before the CFT someone will contact you
to let you know the purpose of the meet-ing.
This conversation is also an opportu-nity
for you to ask questions and identify
any resources that may be needed to help
the family reach its goals. So when you
get to the “review of purpose” phase of the
meeting there are no surprises for anyone,
including you.
Example: At a meeting, after I reviewed
the purpose, I asked if anyone had questions
or comments. The foster parent leaned over
to the mother and asked quietly, “Does that
purpose sound right to you?”
The mother said, “No, but I wasn’t going
to say anything.”
Together they asked me about this and
then worked through some concerns with
the social worker. Ultimately the purpose
of the meeting was clarified and revised to
something everyone agreed on.
MEETING PHASE: Ground Rules
Ground rules help participants feel
safe to speak at the meeting. Along
with the agenda, ground rules also
help the facilitator maintain the
flow and order of the meeting. Fos-ter
parents help the meeting when
they add to and/or agree to the
ground rules.
Example: After I went over ground rules
and asked if anyone wanted to add to them,
a foster parent said, “I believe we are all here
because we want what is best for Johnny and
his family. That being said, those of us that are
here for support and help do not need to be
privileged to personal information.” He then
encouraged the agencies present to only share
relevant and necessary information.
MEETING PHASE: Confidentiality
Some counties use a Confidentiality Sheet
everyone attending a CFT must sign.
Example: At one meeting, I asked everyone
to sign the confidentiality form, including the
family. However, during this meeting we had
some people coming in just to provide infor-mation
during the “Options to Consider” por-tion
of the meeting. When these community
partners arrived, the foster parent raised her
hand and said “I am sorry to interrupt, but they
need to sign a Confidentiality Form. Although
their role is to only share information, they
should be asked not to say what information
they shared or any questions they were asked
about the information.” The young person
jumped up and hugged her foster mother and
said “Thank you so much!”
MEETING PHASE: Information Sharing
This can be the best and the toughest part
of a meeting, depending on how and what is
shared. During this part of the meeting every-one
is invited to share a strength and concern.
Resource parents are in a unique place within
the family structure, so what they say during
this time is crucial.
Example: At one meeting it was extremely
hard for people to name strengths of the fam-ily
or child. Everyone—including the family—
was concerned the mother would return to her
unhealthy habits and not be able to do what
she needed to do to meet her case goals.
When it was time for the foster parent
to share a strength, she said “A strength is,
despite all you’ve faced, you’re still a family.
Not every family facing the same problems
would have made it this far.”
Her concern for the family was that there
were 20 people in the room that had been
working with this family for six months and
the agencies involved had not yet offered the
right resources to the family. As a result of her
sharing this concern, the child-serving agen-cies
present thought more deeply about how
to offer something different and more rele-vant
to this struggling family.
MEETING PHASE: Options to Consider
During this part of the meeting, all options
are put on the table.
Example: At one meeting the foster parent
offered options that were “outside of the box”
and very supportive to the family. Because the
foster parent was thoroughly prepared before
the meeting, she had had a chance to research
options and recommendations and came to
the meeting with questions and requests for
the agencies that attended the meeting.
MEETING PHASE: Making a Plan
In this part of the CFT we create a plan for the
family. As a facilitator, I’ve noticed that often
everyone but the social worker and biological
family stops talking at this point. Yet I’ve also
seen foster parent involvement in this part of
the meeting make a huge difference.
Example: At a meeting the social worker
and biological parents were making the plan.
Because the plan was so intensive, the bio-logical
mother started to get overwhelmed.
I asked her if she needed to take a break,
but she said “No, I’m going to do whatever it
takes to get my children back.”
The foster parent turned to the mother and
asked, “What can I do to help you with this
plan? I want to do everything I can to help.”
In the end, the foster parent became a part
of the plan and helped the whole family, not
just the children. Eventually the family was
reunified and today the foster parents are
still active in their lives.
Conclusion
Foster parents and kinship caregivers can
bring so much to Child and Family Team
meetings. They can be partners to the par-ents
and agencies. They can shine a positive
light on a situation and bridge gaps that are
otherwise left open.
We are lucky to have you in these meetings
and in the lives of families everywhere.
Claudia Kearney is a trainer for the Center for Family
and Community Engagement at NC State University.
I’ve seen time
and again that
having resource
parents involved
in CFTs brings
benefi ts to
everyone.
8
Writing Contest
If I were a foster parent ...
In the last issue of we asked young people in foster care, “If you were a foster parent, what would you do to help the children living in your
home?“ Here’s what they had to say.
Kids’ Pages By and for Children in Foster Care Vol. 20, No. 2 • May 2016
Genesis, age 17
If I were a foster parent what I would tell the children
living in my home they’re not alone in life, that there is
good in every child, and they have what it takes to suc-ceed
in life. I would cover their basic needs—food in their
stomachs, clothes on their backs, and a place to live. Most
importantly, I would tell them that they’re loved very much
and not to feel different or alone.
I want to see foster kids make it in life and fi nd that one
family who is out there waiting for that child. [I would]
explain that being in a foster home doesn’t make you a bad kid, or is something to be afraid
of. It’s not bad. It’s just one step at time being taken down a tough road.
I want my own foster kid to be able to talk to me about anything . . . . I want to be able to
have something to say back and be able to help to the best of my ability. I want to fulfi ll so
many foster kids’ lives and see the best out of them and have them feel they’re not alone. . . .
I want them to know that they’re safe, that I can provide for them, and that I love them no
matter what the situation is. I would have my child know that when they take that fi rst step
into my house I wouldn’t treat them any different. . . .
I want to voice my opinion and stand up to be the fi rst and say what I think and how I feel
about foster care and the kids waiting or going in and out of it. I want to fi ght and see these
kids be happy and succeed and have what every other kid has. They should feel no shame to
be in a foster home. . . . If it were up to me I would take in every foster child out in the world
who is begging for a family . . . . I want to make a huge difference. . . .
God makes things happen and I believe that foster parents will reach out and help these
amazing kids who want a home and loving family. . . .
So, I am saying to all those kids out in the world to stand by me, stay tough, have hope,
and believe that something good will happen in life, that a family is out there waiting for
you all. Your wishes will come true. . . . I’m standing with all of you kids in the world today
and for the rest of life to know that every day there is a kid who is being brought in a home
to start a new beginning and life.
All you foster kids, don’t give up! There is a positive in life. Keep your heads up and voice
your opinions. Speak up! Use your voice ! Stand tall and walk with pride because I’m walk-ing
with you!
GENESIS RECEIVED $100 FOR TAKING TOP PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
Braxton, age 9
If I were a foster parent I would listen to [the kids in my
care]. I would take care of them for the rest of my life.
I would put them to bed and read them a story and rub
their back. I would love them and help them.
I would give them different experiences like plays,
movies, sports, and trips.
I would give them healthy food.
I would buy them clothes.
If they didn’t know how to tie their shoes, I would tie
their shoes for them. I would love them. (I was adopted to my forever home 1 year ago.)
BRAXTON RECEIVED $50 FOR TAKING SECOND PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
1
Julious, age 10
If I were a foster parent, I would fi rst get to know
(children) by fi nding out what their allergies are and when
their birthday is. I would also ask
if they were comfortable with our
home and make some food they
like.
Also, I would go on a vacation
every month or so. I think doing
something a kid wants to do is
important, and the whole family can have some fun for a
couple of days, which is not too bad.
JULIOUS RECEIVED $20 FOR HAVING HIS ESSAY PUBLISHED.
Haley, age 14
If I were a foster parent, my fi rst action
would be to make a lasting fi rst impression.
I would present [the kids in my home] with
a gift while also incorporating something
unique about them. For example, if I had
a young foster girl with red hair placed in
my care, I would probably give her a Rag-gedy
Ann doll or a beautiful dress. Also,
I would defi nitely have some down time with the child
and get to know them on a personal level, learn about
their skills and achievements, or
favorite food and TV show.
I think it would be important
to celebrate their individuality
and have a vacation picked out
by each child. (Of course, these
vacations would happen at dif-ferent
times). If I didn’t have the
funds, we would go to the park
and explore or I would buy an
animal.
If I were a foster parent, I would defi nitely try to be a
role model or parent fi gure, but not cross their boundar-ies.
I would not try to replace their mother.
Overall, as a foster parent, I would try to be fun and
outgoing while also balancing family time. I would try to
make sure everyone got along and was comfortable.
Also, I would show them that being unique is some-thing
to be proud of, and accept any child I got, no mat-ter
their beliefs, gender, ethnicity, or sexual preferences. I
would be their safe haven.
HALEY RECEIVED $25 FOR TAKING THIRD PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
2
3 Foster kids,
don’t give up!
Stand tall and
walk with
pride because
I’m walking with you!
If they didn’t
know how to
tie their shoes,
I would tie
their shoes for them.
I would love them.
If I were a
foster parent,
I would not try
to replace their
mother. . . .
I would be their
safe haven.
I would also
ask if they were
comfortable and
make some food
they like.
9
Solutions to food and mealtime struggles by Allison Gilliam
Food: it’s a building block of good
health. Our bodies’ fuel. Eating is
such an important act that we do
it multiple times a day, every day.
Which leads us to the plan-ning,
preparation, and delivery of
meals. As parents, this job falls
to us. On the face of it, it’s not too
much to ask: just prepare meals
that provide nutrition and a time
to connect around the table.
Simple, right?
As any parent knows, in real-ity,
meal time can be war time,
complete with screaming and
tantrums, silent refusals, and
power struggles you wonder
whether you can win.
For resource parents, food and
meals can be even more compli-cated.
We often find ourselves
caring for young people whose
understanding of and approach
to eating is quite different from
ours. Our own children may rebel
as well, asking why they should
have to eat their carrots when
the “new kid” doesn’t have to eat
his. Double-teamed like this, the
temptation to give in and go for
fast food can be pretty strong.
To help, I’d like to offer some
suggestions for understand-ing
and navigating the struggles
around food and nutrition that
many resource parents face.
Our First Impulse
Because we know they’ve faced
adversity, as resource parents we
long to give the children in our
homes our best for whatever time
we have with them. Rich nutri-tion
and a balanced diet are often
on the top of the list of things we
can tangibly do for a child. But
there are many things that can
get in the way.
Different Food Backgrounds
Before they are placed in our care,
some children have not experi-enced
consistency when it comes
to meal times, healthy eating, or
other messages about food.
For many, life before foster care
was not full of healthy fruits and
vegetables, well balanced meals,
or home cooked dinners. Some
were often hungry. Others have
eaten more ramen noodles or
McDonalds than we can imagine.
Sweets may have been a key
part of their diet. Sweets may
have been used as a bargaining
tool by tired parents who just
wanted their children to behave.
Given all this, it’s no surprise
that when we try to meet chil-dren’s
needs at the dinner table
the result can sometimes be frus-tration
and struggle.
More Than Nutrition
Part of the reason for this is that
food isn’t nutrition alone. Eat-ing
can be about deep, personal
issues such as:
Control: Children in foster care
have little control in their lives.
When, how, and what is eaten is
a very tangible way to exert con-trol
and express feelings without
using words. A need for control
can set the stage for food battles.
Comfort: Sadness can spark
an urge for sugar, carbohydrates,
and overeating. Children in fos-ter
care often feel sad about their
situation and don’t always have
the skills needed to cope effec-tively
with these feelings. Food
can be a tool children use to feel
psychologically safe.
Home: Food represents home.
Having mashed potatoes with
lumps (“just like Nanny’s”) can
soothe us and remind us of good
times at home. Conversely, unfa-miliar
food on our plates can
remind us of all we’ve lost.
Poverty: A balanced diet is not
always a possibility for families
in poverty. If you’ve been raised in
poverty, food that is not fast food
can seem foreign and strange.
Fresh fruits and veg-etables
are expensive.
Fresh meats require
refrigeration and heat
to prepare. Fast food is
a cheap, easy solution
if you work long hours
and have little money in
your pocket.
Solutions
Despite all this, we are still
responsible for providing nour-ishment
to the children in our
homes. When the fight is real and
mashed potatoes are flying, this
responsibility can feel like quite
a burden. The good news is,
there are things we can do to cul-tivate
a good diet over time and
teach children what it means to
eat healthy food. Here are some
suggestions:
Exposure: Whether they eat it
or not, make sure there is some-thing
green on the plate every day
and at every meal. After a while,
it will become familiar. Eventu-ally,
it may even become a “safe”
food for them.
Reward: Reward children for
trying new things, not for eat-ing
the entire serving. Try qual-ity
time or an extra book at story
time, not food, as a reward.
Our own children: If you have
different expectations about food
and eating for your own children,
talk to them privately. Make a rule
that food is not discussed at the
table/in front of others. Consider
giving them incentives, such as a
“free pass” on vegetables at din-ner
if they eat more
veggies after school or
in their lunch.
Obesity: Having
too much weight on
a body does not hap-pen
overnight. The
same is true for creat-ing
healthy food hab-its.
Make small changes that are
agreed upon by the doctor, the
child, the child’s parents, and
yourself. Getting everyone on
the same page will increase the
chances of success/consistency
and keep the child’s self-esteem
intact.
Education: Teach children
what food really is—fuel for our
bodies. Help build their under-standing
of the different food
groups and the health benefits of
a balanced diet. Explain why it’s
important to eat your greens!
Vitamins: Talk to the child’s
doctor about whether the child
needs a supplement.
Patience: Since eating a bal-anced
diet is important, get-ting
to a place where foods are
tried and food battles are won
is important. However, it is also
important to keep things in per-spective:
slow down and allow
yourself and the children (your
own and those placed with you)
the time and space to develop
good eating habits.
Allison Gilliam is Pediatric Team Lead
for Community Care of Western North
Carolina; she is also an adoptive parent
and a former foster parent.
Teaching Healthy Behaviors to Children in Foster Care
Adapted from USDA, 2007
Whether they show it or
not, young people are
always watching us and
learning from what we
do. Kids copy adults, so
as parents and role mod-els,
it is vitally important
that we eat healthy and
be active every day!
Now being a role
model doesn’t mean
being perfect or never
indulging your sweet
tooth. Rather, it means
balancing what you eat
with what you do.
Eat Healthy and Be Active Every Day!
• Set an example—Keep a variety of healthy foods
on hand. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, whole-grain,
fat-free or low fat dairy products, lean meats,
and dry beans. Limit the amount of foods you buy
that are high in saturated fats, trans fats, and added
sugar.
• Watch serving sizes—Remember, younger kids
need less food than teenagers and adults. Start with
small servings and give extra if they want more.
• Be active—You need at least 30 minutes of activ-ity
most days. Your kids need at least 60 minutes
of physical activity every day, or most every day.
Add activities to your daily schedule, like walking,
biking, working in the yard, or cleaning the house.
Making Smart Food Choices and
Being Active Every Day:
• Helps everyone keep mentally
and physically fi t.
• Helps to maintain a healthy
weight.
• Helps reduce risks of serious
diseases like heart disease, high
blood pressure, type 2 diabetes,
and some types of cancer.
• Helps kids to grow and develop
and provides them with the
energy they need to learn and
play.
The good news?
You can cultivate
a good diet over
time and teach
children what
it means to eat
healthy food.
10
Making a difference by being family by Rick Zechman
David and Rodney first
met Blake when they pro-vided
respite for him in
April 2015, just before they
were licensed as foster par-ents
in North Carolina. A few months later,
Blake came to live with them. Today Blake
is a 16 year old junior in high school, where
his grades have been stellar. After school he
has a job at a local grocery store. He’s very
tech savvy and loves linking others to social
media. He also enjoys baking but, as David
admits with obvious fondness, Blake’s still
not perfect when it comes to cleaning up the
kitchen afterwards. All in all, Blake is doing
really well right now.
No one takes this for granted. Blake has
been in and out of foster care since he was
8 years old. He’s had multiple placements.
Like many who’ve had these experiences,
Blake has had some behavioral health chal-lenges.
Attempts had been made to help him
with these challenges, but they weren’t always
consistent or successful.
Therapy Has Helped
David and Rodney believe the consistent ther-apy
Blake has received since being placed
in their home is a key to his improved well-being.
Blake’s participation in therapy calls
for some effort on their part: they take him to
a clinician for therapy every week as well as
to a psychiatrist for medicine management
every other month.
It’s well worth it. The therapist has worked
with them to develop a point system to assist
with Blake’s behaviors, which they’ve found
very helpful. For example, in this system
Blake gets a point if he says “please” when
asking for something. If he refuses a reason-able
request, he does not gain a point. Earned
points can be used for things such as time
with electronic devices or car rides to school
(which Blake prefers to taking the bus).
The therapist has also helped David and
Rodney understand they might need to ask
Blake several times to do something or
maybe even model behaviors they want to
see, because kids facing Blake’s challenges
need extra help building “muscle memory for
their brain.” David and Rodney say it’s clear
these extra efforts are paying off for Blake.
Other Strategies
David says he and Rodney are also learn-ing
to “pick their battles” and allowing Blake
to experience natural consequences (within
reason). For example, though Blake is doing
extremely well in school, if he chooses not to
study for a test and gets a B in the class, the
teacher may not allow him to opt out of the
final exam. If Blake were to make choices that
caused him to lose his job, the natural con-sequence
would be that he would
have no money to spend. The hope
is that disappointments like these
will help Blake learn there are con-sequences
for his choices.
When they’re frustrated, Rod-ney
and David try to walk away,
although before they do they reas-sure
Blake they aren’t ignoring him
but will instead be able to talk about what-ever
the issue is a little better at a later time.
They’ve also learned that Blake responds
better if they make a point of compliment-ing
him when he does something well, rather
than always focusing on the negative.
Though he’s doing well, Blake still gets
frustrated at times. A strategy that works well
for him when this happens is to write out his
feelings, since he sometimes finds it hard to
verbalize. Blake will even write notes to David
and Rodney if he’s having a good day.
Being Family
David and Rodney believe they have worked
through some initial big bumps of getting
to know each other as a family, maintained
some consistency and, in recent months,
seen how their parenting efforts have led to
success for the whole family.
Since Blake will be 17 soon, they are
simultaneously encouraging him to be inde-pendent
while reminding him it is okay to be
a kid, too. They continue working with him
to set limits so that he treats them as parents
and not like “buddies.” David and Rodney
feel the consistent affection, structure, and
involvement they strive to provide—which
Blake may never have had before—allows
them to work through frustrations
and challenges together.
Blake may be free for adoption
soon, so David, Rodney, and Blake
are planning to have a thorough
discussion about what adoption
means. In the meantime, David and
Rodney have made it clear to Blake
that he has a permanent home with
them if he wants it. They treat Blake like their
child and introduce him to others as their
son. They say they look forward to seeing
him graduate from high school and achieving
his goal of going to college.
Advice
When asked if they have advice for other fos-ter
parents, David and Rodney say it’s impor-tant
to never assume kids in foster care
know how to do things you might consider
common sense or commonplace. Not all kids
coming into your home know when to brush
their teeth, wash their hands before they
eat, or what should or should not be flushed
down the toilet.
“Also,” David adds, “don’t be afraid to use
respite if you need it.” He and Rodney had
an experience where their social worker
arranged respite for them even though they
weren’t sure they were interested. It was only
after it was in place that they realized how
much they needed respite. Rodney says in
addition to needed rest, “one unexpected
benefit of respite was that it showed us how
connected we were to Blake.”
Rick Zechman is an educational specialist with the
UNC-CH School of Social Work
David and
Rodney have
made it clear to
Blake that he
has a permanent
home with them
if he wants it.
Teens in Foster Care in North Carolina
The Numbers. One in three young people in foster care is an adolescent. Of the
10,282 children in foster care in North Carolina on February 29, 2016, 28.79%
(n=2,959) were between the ages of 13 and 21 (Duncan, et al., 2016).
Where They Live. Many do not live with a family, even though state policy says
all children should be placed in the most family-like setting possible. So far, of the kids who entered DSS
custody in 2014-15, half (50%) of youths age 13 to 17 have spent some time in a non-family placement set-ting,
compared with 15% of children age 6 to 12 and 2% of children age birth to 5 (Duncan, et al., 2016).
Needs. Those who “age out” of foster care need our help. In 2014-15, 502 young adults aged out of foster
care in North Carolina. Research shows that compared to the general population, these youth are at much
higher risk for incarceration, homelessness, poor educational attainment, and poverty (NCDSS, 2008).
What You Can Do
The most important thing we can do for young people in foster care is assure they have a consistent per-sonal
support network of at least fi ve caring adults, in addition to the professionals in their lives. If we can
help youth identify and strengthen these relationships, we will help them survive the normal crises every-one
experiences in the transition to adulthood. Help youth build youths’ personal support networks by:
• Being mindful of relatives and siblings as possible resources/signifi cant relationships;
• Enabling youth to participate in activities that will, among other things, expose them to caring adults;
• Accepting the young person’s plans for their life and helping them develop those plans while they have
the resources of the agency to help process what they are learning.
11
Helping yourself IS helping others by Deena M. Murphy
As people who care, so much of
our time and energy is focused
outwardly. How can I be of service? What
more can I do? Can I help in some way?
This drive is what motivates us to be foster
parents, to be social workers, to make a dif-ference
to those around us. But what about
when this drive causes burn out, causes
illness, and causes feelings of being over-whelmed
or even resenting those who need
our help?
We have all been on the airplane when the
announcement says: “Please put on your own
oxygen mask before assisting others.”
Why? Shouldn’t we be taking care of the
children, the elderly, or others who are help-less
in ways we are not?
The short answer is no; if you have no oxy-gen,
if you literally cannot breathe, you can-not
be of use to others. Similarly, if you are
burnt out, sick, and feeling overwhelmed, are
you really able to take care of others in the
way that a healthy, relaxed, and energized
version of you would?
Limited Resources
In an ideal world, we would have two clones,
36 hours in a day, and all the resources at
hand to flourish. However, the reality is we
are an army of one, have 24 hours, and finite
resources to make magic happen in our
world.
Most of us are not going to slow down until
life or health concerns make us, so self-care
needs to be something we can integrate into
our lives of service. We need some
tools and tricks to help us flourish,
to keep us healthy, and to ensure
we can continue to make a differ-ence
to those around us.
A Tool to Help You Flourish
One tool that is akin to my “magic
wand” is meditation. Not the kind
of meditation that takes you to a mountain
away from the world, but a way of coping
with all that the world throws at you.
In essence, meditation helps you find inner
peace regardless of what is going on around
you. It helps you to find a way to connect, to
feel at ease, to know that you can cope with
anything that life throws your way.
Meditation may not change your environ-ment,
but I promise, it will change you. Medi-tation
will help you reconnect with you. It will
teach you to listen to yourself, to your body.
It will improve your health and life in ways
you cannot imagine.
Finding the Time and Other Myths
Aha, you say, but meditation is not for me. I
already have zero time to myself.
Well, this is where the magic actually hap-pens.
In the time it takes you to read this
article, you could have spent 5 minutes in
meditation.
Five minutes?
Yes. One myth about meditation is that you
must spend a lot of time doing it. The reality
is that any time you set aside will work.
The magical part is that setting
aside just five minutes to breathe,
connect, and give your nervous
system a break will improve your
health and well-being.
If you can do more, great. But
don’t let time be another excuse for
not taking care of you.
But won’t meditation conflict
with my religious beliefs?
The short answer is no. Meditation is for
everyone, regardless of religious beliefs. You
may even find it allows your faith to deepen.
Many people have been life-long meditators
and life-long Christians (or Jews, Muslims,
atheists, and so on). Meditation is simply
awareness.
Getting Started
So, where do you start? Start wherever you
are! Below are three introductory medita-tions
that you can do at your desk, in your
living room, first thing when you wake up, or
last thing at night. Just set a timer if you only
have a few minutes. In short, make medita-tion
work for your lifestyle and you will soon
reap the benefits.
Make this a daily practice!
Deena M. Murphy, Ph.D. is a foster parent, a profes-sor
at N.C. State University, and runs a research and
consulting business. Contact her at: murphydeenam@
me.com.
Breathing Meditation
1. Choose a position where you feel most comfort-able,
with your spine as erect as possible. Close
your eyes.
2. Take your focus to your breathing; breathe in
and out through the nose. Feel the cool of your
breath on your nostrils as you inhale; feel the
slight heat as you exhale.
3. Imagine every exhalation taking tensions and
toxins out of your body, feel the inhalation
restoring every cell in your body. Let the breaths
lengthen and become deeper without force of
will or body. There is nothing for you to do,
except be aware of your breath.
4. OPTIONAL. As you inhale, count 1, as you
exhale, 2. All the way up to 10. If you lose track
of the count, go back to 1 again. This can be
helpful if your mind is very active.
Gratitude Meditation
1. Choose a position where you feel most comfort-able,
with your spine as erect as possible. Close
your eyes.
2. Imagine the space around your heart; breathe
slowly and deeply. Breathe into the belly, allowing
the belly to soften. Invite your body to relax with
each breath.
3. With every inhale, visualize something you could
be grateful for right now. Start to bring to mind
all the people that have evoked loving or happy
feelings in you; people you love who may no
longer be in your life, people who love you and
whom you love; think about experiences, things
you have seen, times you have laughed. Think of
all the things in your life you could be grateful
for right now (at least fi ve), in this moment. Keep
bringing them into your mind’s eye, repeatedly.
With each exhale, say thank you (internally).
Health Meditation
1. Choose a position where you feel most comfort-able,
with your spine as erect as possible. Close
your eyes.
2. Bring your awareness to your breathing. Breathe
slowly and deeply, allowing the belly to soften,
inviting the body to relax with each exhale.
Just allow the breaths to lengthen and become
deeper.
3. With every inhale, imagine a healing light
entering your body, relaxing you more deeply,
restoring your radiant health; with each exhale,
imagine any tensions, toxins, or stress leaving
your body as you release and let go. Feel each
inhalation restoring every cell in your body;
allow each exhalation to release anything from
your body that is not serving you.
4. Breathe in through the nose and out from the
mouth three times before you open your eyes.
To make a
difference you’ve
got to take care
of yourself.
Meditation is a
great way to do
just that.
Three Basic Meditations
12
Federal government fi nds room for improvement in
NC’s child welfare system
In February 2016 federal reviewers released
a report assessing the performance of North
Carolina’s child welfare system, which
includes programs involved in maltreatment
investigations, foster care, and adoptions.
Called the Child and Family Services Review
(CFSR), this report recognized our state’s
strengths in a number of important areas,
including the pre-service training delivered
to prospective foster parents.
On the whole, however, its conclusions
were sobering. North Carolina did not meet
federal standards for any of the 14 outcomes
and systemic factors evaluated by reviewers.
Not Pass/Fail
The US Department of Health and Human
Services’ Children’s Bureau conducts a
review of every state’s child welfare system
every seven to ten years. Since reviews began
in 2001 there have been three “rounds” of
reviews, with the federal government modify-ing
review procedures with each new round.
Since they began, no state has met federal
standards in all areas assessed by the review.
While North Carolina Division of Social
Services leaders take issue with some spe-cific
findings in the current federal report,
they acknowledge there is much room for
improvement in our child protective services,
foster care, and adoption programs.
Speaking to the Associated Press, Sherry
Bradsher, Deputy Secretary for Human Ser-vices
within NC DHHS, which oversees social
services, stated “As painful as it might be,
there’s nothing new or shocking in the report
in terms of something that we didn’t know.”
“The thing to remember about the CFSR,”
says Kevin Kelley, Section Chief for Child
Welfare Services in the Division of Social Ser-vices,
“is that it is not pass/fail. The CFSR
standards are set so high because the federal
government wants to see both excellence and
continual improvement. That’s something we
agree with completely.”
What’s Next
Now that we have the CFSR findings, North
Carolina must come up with a program
improvement plan (PIP) to enhance our child
welfare system. Workgroups of statewide
stakeholders convened in March to help
inform the development of this plan, which
is sure to include strategies for reducing bar-riers
to system performance and increasing
positive outcomes for children and families.
Once it is approved by
the Children’s Bureau,
North Carolina will have
two years to meet the
goals outlined in the PIP.
This will be followed by
a third year of oversight
and monitoring. If we
don’t meet our goals in
that time, North Carolina
may face financial sanc-tions.
In 2011 our state
was penalized $1.2 mil-lion
for not meeting one
goal of its previous fed-eral
program improve-ment
plan.
Although the details of
our new PIP are not yet
known, it will likely focus on improvements
related to practice within county DSS agen-cies
and collaboration with the courts and
outside service providers.
To Read NC’s 2015 CFSR Report
Go to https://www2.ncdhhs.gov/dss/stats/
docs/child%20welfare%20docs/NC_ACF-CB_
FinalReport_020216.pdf
Standards are so
high because the
federal government
wants to see
both excellence
and continual
improvement.
That’s something
we agree with
completely.
Book Review
Ever feel you aren’t making a difference? by Jeanne Preisler
There are a few times in life
that have a distinct before
and after: getting married, for
instance. Becoming a parent.
Becoming a grandparent.
I believe parenting a trauma-tized
child is another example.
It’s difficult to explain to
others what parenting a trau-matized
child feels like. How
much emotional and cognitive
effort it demands. How drain-ing
that can be. How isolating.
Sometimes foster, adop-tive
and kinship families feel
alone and overwhelmed, and
as if they aren’t making a dif-ference.
They’d rather not admit,
even to friends or loved ones,
that they are questioning their
decision to become foster/
adoptive parents and may
even be questioning their own
competency as parents.
See Things in a New Light
If what I have said resonates for
you at all, I’ve got a book to sug-gest.
Wounded Children, Healing
Homes, by Schooler, Keefer Smal-ley,
and Callahan (NavPress, 2010)
is one of my favorite books because
it helps normalize all of the feelings
I’ve described.
Subtitled “How Traumatized
Children Impact Adoptive and Fos-ter
Families,” this book will help
you understand the maze of frus-tration
you are in is one others
have successfully navigated before.
This book will give every foster and
adoptive parent hope because it
helps us to see children’s behavior
in a new, meaningful light.
The other reason I love this book
is that each chapter has discus-sion
questions at the end and can
be used independently. So, if you
are fortunate enough to have a sup-port
group in your area, this book
would be a great
investment of time
and resources. If
you do not have a
support group in
your area, please
consider start-ing
one—NC Kids
Adoption and Fos-ter
Care Network
can help you (call
them toll free at
1-877-NC KIDS-1).
Wounded Chil-dren,
Healing Homes will also
help parents see how their own
life experience may be interacting
with the young person’s, contrib-uting
to both positive and some-times
negative outcomes.
“Trauma leaves vulnerable
spirits” Sharon Roszia says in the
forward of the book. Indeed that
is true. Vulnerable children and
vulnerable families.
Children enter
the foster care pro-gram
for many rea-sons.
My greatest
hope is when they
leave it, they are
emotionally stron-ger
than when they
entered. This is
more likely to hap-pen
if every adult
in their life is well-informed
about the
impact of trauma
and knows how to respond in a
way that strengthens that young
person’s sense of self and makes
them feel loveable and capable.
This reflective, informative
book can help.
Jeanne Preisler is a Program Consultant
with the NC Division of Social Services
and is leading an effort to help our child-serving
system become more trauma-informed.
13
2015 legislative changes impacting foster parents
and young people in foster care by Erin Conner
Recent legislation on the federal
and state levels has focused on
improving the way the child wel-fare
system meets the needs of
young people in foster care. Last
year North Carolina also passed
new laws to protect foster par-ents.
This article reviews these
important changes so you under-stand
how they affect you and the
young people in your care.
Auto Insurance for Youth
A portion of North Carolina’s
Foster Care Family Act (Session
Law 2015-135), which passed
last year, makes it easier for
young people in foster care to
obtain auto insurance. It did
this by amending state statute
to allow young people age 16 or
17 years old who are in the legal
custody of a county child welfare
agency to contract for their own
auto insurance, with the consent
of the court. The young person is
responsible for paying the pre-mium
and for any damages if
they are in a car accident where
they are at fault.
If a young person cannot
afford their own insurance there
are other options to finance the
coverage. In some circumstances
LINKS funds have been used to
cover auto insurance costs. Deci-sions
about the use of LINKS
funds for this purpose are made
on a case-by-case basis.
Driver’s Licenses for Youth
North Carolina law now also
makes it easier for young peo-ple
in foster care to learn how
to drive and obtain a driver’s
license. Per N.C.G.S. § 20-11(i),
an application for a driver’s per-mit
or license must be signed by
the young person applying for the
permit or license and by another
person. For young people in the
custody of a county child welfare
agency that other person can now
be one of the following:
• A guardian ad litem or guard-ian
ad litem attorney advo-cate
for the young person;
• The director of the county
child welfare agency or the
director’s designee;
• If a guardian ad litem, guard-ian
ad litem attorney advo-cate,
agency director or direc-tor’s
designee is not available,
the court with continuing
jurisdiction over the young
person’s placement under
G.S. 7B-1000(b).
Liability Insurance for
Foster Parents
To protect foster parents from
financial exposure, our state’s
Foster Care Family Act also
ordered NC’s Rate Bureau, which
is responsible for establishing
and administering rules and
rates for insurance, to develop an
optional liability insurance policy
for licensed foster parents. Fos-ter
parents can use this optional
insurance, if they choose to pur-chase
it, to protect their assets
against litigation in the event a
child in their care is hurt. This
optional new insurance will be
available beginning in May 2016.
If you are interested in learn-ing
more, talk to your insurance
agent.
Foster Care to 21
In another important step, the
North Carolina General Assem-bly
has extended foster care to
21 years of age starting January
1, 2017.
Under a provision in the 2015
Appropriations Act, county child
welfare agencies will be able to
continue to provide benefits to
an individual who has attained
18 years of age and chosen to
continue receiving foster care
services until age 21, if one or
more of the following are true of
the young person:
• Completing secondary edu-cation
(i.e., high school) or a
program leading to an equiv-alent
credential;
• Enrolled in an institution that
provides postsecondary or
vocational education;
• Participating in a program or
activity designed to promote
employment or remove barri-ers
to employment;
• Employed for at least 80
hours per month; or
• Is incapable of completing the
educational or employment
requirements of this subsec-tion
due to a medical condi-tion
or disability.
Foster Care to 21 vs. CARS
Although Contractual Agree-ments
for Residential Services
(CARS) allows for young people
to remain in a residential agree-ment
with the county child wel-fare
agency until age 21, there
are some key differences between
CARS and Foster Care to 21.
For example, it is up to each
county child welfare agency to
decide whether it will enter into
CARS with a young person. Fos-ter
Care to 21 parameters are
codified in law and administra-tive
rule. Under Foster Care to
21, all youth are entitled to con-tinued
placement.
Young people who sign CARS
must reside in a DHHS licensed
child care facility, such as a fos-ter
home or group home, and
attend school or participate in
some type of vocational training
that will lead to viable employ-ment.
Some counties allow young
people who participate in CARS
while living in college dormi-tory
settings. In these cases, the
licensed facility maintains a bed
for the young person and actively
provides support and care to the
young person while in school.
Under the new law, young peo-ple
placed through Foster Care
to 21 may live in a CARS-like
setting, but they may also reside
outside a foster care facility in a
college or university dormitory
or other semi-supervised hous-ing
arrangement approved by
the director of the child welfare
agency. Note: “other semi-super-vised
living arrangement” is not
defined in the law.
Another key difference
between CARS and Foster Care
to 21 is funding. Foster Care to
21 allows the state and county to
draw down federal funds to sup-port
young people in foster care
after they turn 18; with CARS
only state and county dollars are
used. Note, however, that coun-ties
may incur administrative
costs associated with the Foster
Care to 21 program.
Foster Care to 21 is effective
January 1, 2017. The state will
honor existing CARS after that
date until these agreements ter-minate
or expire. After January
1, 2017 no new CARS will be
made. Any young person who
seeks voluntary placement on
or after January 1, 2017 will be
placed through the Foster Care
to 21 program.
Other Changes
Additional information regarding
2015 legislative changes, specifi-cally
detailed information about
the reasonable and prudent par-ent
standard, can be found in the
November 2015 Fostering Per-spectives
issue (Vol. 20, No.1)
“Parenting Special Populations in
Foster Care” and in an Adminis-trative
Letter issued by the Divi-sion
of Social Services in October
2015 (CWS-AL-04-15).
Conclusion
Many of these changes provide
opportunities for young people
served by the foster care pro-gram
to do “normal” things—
which increases their sense of
belonging and self-worth.
County child welfare agencies
are moving forward with imple-menting
these changes. Foster
parents and young people who
have questions related to driver’s
licenses or automobile insurance
for young people in care, the Fos-ter
Care to 21 program, or the
reasonable and prudent parent
standard are encouraged to con-tact
their social worker.
Erin Conner, MSW is a Social Services
Program Consultant at the NC Division
of Social Services.
14
(May 2016)
Sponsors. NC Division of Social Services, SaySo, and the Fam-ily
and Children’s Resource Program, part of the UNC–Chapel
Hill School of Social Work’s Jordan Institute for Families.
Contact Us. Fostering Perspectives, c/o John McMahon, Family
and Children’s Resource Program, UNC–Chapel Hill School
of Social, CB# 3550, Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550. Email:
jdmcmaho@unc.edu.
Advisory Board. Nancy Carter (Independent Living Resources);
Carmelita Coleman (Independent Living Resources); Bob DeMarco
(foster and adoptive parent); Kathy Dobbs (NC Division of Social
Services); Tonia Jacobs Deese (UNC-CH); Cy Gurney (NC Admin-istrative
Offi ce of the Courts); Jennifer Hull-Rogers (Person County
DSS); Trishana Jones (NC Coalition Against Domestic Violence);
Claudia Kearney (Center for Family and Community Engage-ment);
Mark Maxwell (foster and adoptive parent); Jeanne Preisler
(NC Division of Social Services); Billy Poindexter (Center for Fam-ily
and Community Engagement).
Newsletter Staff. John McMahon (Editor)
Mission. Fostering Perspectives exists to promote the profes-sional
development of North Carolina’s child welfare profession-als
and foster, kinship, and adoptive parents and to provide a
forum where the people involved in the child welfare system in
our state can exchange ideas.
Disclaimer. The opinions and beliefs expressed herein are not
necessarily those of the NC Division of Social Services or the
UNC–Chapel Hill School of Social Work.
Printing Information. The NC Department of Health and
Human Services does not discriminate on the basis of race, color,
national origin, sex, religion, age, or disability in employment
or the provision of services. 10,000 copies printed at a cost of
$953.39, or $0.10 per copy.
Frequency and Distribution. Issues appear every May and
November. Printed copies are sent directly to all NC county DSS
agencies and to all foster parents and child-placing agencies
licensed through the NC Division of Social Services. If you think
you should be receiving a printed copy but are not, please con-tact
us at the address above.
Online. www.fosteringperspectives.org
Subscribe Online. To be notifi ed about online issues, go to
http://eepurl.com/brPe9b and sign up.
References. See the online version of this issue for references
cited in this issue.
fostering perspectives A reader asks . . .
What should I say when someone
tells me they “could never foster”?
When I tell people I’m a foster parent, they often respond by saying they could never foster because it would be
too hard. I want to encourage people to foster, but I also want to be honest with them about its challenges. What
are some good responses?
It is true that foster parenting is not for
the faint of heart. It’s a challenging job,
requiring great amounts of patience and
resilience. Many people don’t think they
have what it takes to be foster parents.
While foster parents are special, they
are also regular people who have decided
to positively impact the lives of children.
Foster parents are proof that any commit-ted
and compassionate person can make
a huge difference in the life of a child. As
the popular ad campaign puts it, “you
don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect
parent.”
Current and former foster parents are
in a unique position to talk with people in
their communities about their experience
fostering. Talking to friends, neighbors,
and coworkers is a great way to draw
attention to the needs of children in foster
care. After all, hearing about the experi-ences
of a trusted friend is much more
meaningful than reading a pamphlet!
While it can be difficult to respond
when people say that they could “never
foster,” here are some suggestions to help
you have a productive conversation.
Tell your story. How did you come to
the decision to foster? It probably wasn’t
a decision you made overnight! Were there
times in the past where you thought you
could “never foster?” Sharing your unique
story and perspective can make the choice
to foster seem a little less daunting.
Ask open-ended questions. Earnestly
asking a person to explain their point of
view is the best way for you to understand
them. When someone says fostering would
be too hard, you could ask, “Why do you
say that?” Their answer to this question
will help you understand their perspec-tive;
it may also help them understand
their own thought processes.
Challenge assumptions. Many peo-ple’s
ideas about children in foster care
are based on myths and false assump-tions.
While all children in care have
experienced some trauma, each child
is unique and reacts differently to what
they’ve experienced. Foster parents know
this better than anyone. When you hear
someone say that all kids in care are a
certain way, respectfully challenge that
assumption. You could say something as
simple as, “Really? That’s not been my
experience at all.”
Be honest. While
encouraging others
to foster, it’s also
important to be
honest and realistic.
Fostering is hard,
and those who pur-sue
it with unreal-istic
expectations
are set up to fail.
If someone asks you, “Is fostering diffi-cult?”
most people would agree that the
best answer is an unequivocal “Yes!”
While you talk about the challenges of
fostering, you can simultaneously discuss
the unique joys and rewards that come
with being a foster parent. You make a dif-ference
on a daily basis for these children,
and even the smallest successes have
huge impacts. Pat yourself on the back
and share these special moments! Note:
It’s important to remember not to divulge
any private information you’ve learned
about children in your care, such as their
diagnoses or their trauma histories.
It may also be helpful to emphasize that
agencies provide training to help people
decide whether to foster, as well as ongo-ing
training to help them be successful at
fostering after they are licensed.
Encourage involvement in any form.
Fostering isn’t right for everyone, but there
are other ways concerned citizens can help
children in foster care. You might encour-age
them to become a volunteer guard-ian
ad litem (GAL) to represent a child’s
voice in court. Maybe they could choose to
become a respite provider, or organize a
backpack drive for children in care.
Dedicated foster parents are the most
valuable resources we have, and there
will always be a substantial need for more
of these wonderful people. When you
talk about your experiences, you make it
seem a little less impossible for others to
follow in your footsteps. In this way, you
expand your influence and make a differ-ence
for even more children.
Response by the NC Division of Social Services. If you
have a question about foster care or adoption in North
Carolina you’d like answered in “A Reader Asks,” send it
to us using the contact information in the box at top right.
When you talk
about your
experiences,
you make it
seem a little less
impossible for
others to follow
in your footsteps.
wwww.ncgal.org
facebook.com/ncGuardianAdLitem
@volunteerforGAL
Did you know that 2,000 abused and neglected
children in North Carolina will go to court alone?
You can help. Become a Guardian ad Litem.
Stand up today to say, “I am for the child.”
More than 2,000 abused and neglected children in NC
go to court without someone to advocate just for them.
• Could you speak up for their best interests?
• Could you work side by side with an attorney?
If so, becoming a Guardian ad Litem advocate could be
a great opportunity for you! To learn more, fi nd us at any
of the links below or call 1-800-982-4041.
15
Christian (age 13)
Christian is a smart and funny young
man who is everybody’s friend. He is
a very compassionate child who is
always concerned about other peo-ple’s
feelings. He likes to draw and
is always open to trying new creative
activities. He also loves technology
and playing video games. He’s an
accomplished soccer and baseball
player. Christian is very intelligent
and has great academic potential. He
has expressed an interest in learning
Spanish, and his favorite subjects are math and science.
Christian needs a two-parent family that is calm, patient, and even-keeled.
Christian would like to stay in North Carolina, as it is very
important to him that he have continued contact with his siblings.
Christian is especially close with his older brother. Christian has said
he wants a family that doesn’t yell and is patient. He deserves a fam-ily
who understands how loss impacts behavior and who is willing to
stick by him, through thick and thin.
Dakota (age 17)
Dakota is a creative, caring, and
inquisitive young man with a great
sense of humor. He enjoys play-ing
basketball, football, and video
games. Dakota is always ready to
try new things, like different food or
unique music. Dakota works hard
in school and his favorite subject is
science. When he grows up, Dakota
would like to attend college to pursue
a career as a video game developer.
Dakota longs for a sense of love
and belonging. His desire is to become a part of a forever family that
has pets and that attends church. Dakota would also like to be placed
in a forever family with siblings, though he might compete with them
for attention. Dakota needs an experienced two-parent family that is
very patient and able to offer lots of one-on-one attention. The ideal
family for Dakota should also have
some experience with autism.
Jermaine (age 17)
Jermaine is an engaging and charis-matic
child who is eager to find a safe
and loving home. He is positive and
resilient, with a great sense of humor.
In his free time, Jermaine enjoys
participating in sports, listening to
music, and socializing. Jermaine
thrives when given adult attention,
and he lights up when a respected
adult takes the time to teach him
something new. Jermaine also loves
to read. His favorite author is John C. Maxwell. Jermaine is excited to
attend college after high school and plans to study business.
To reach his fullest potential, Jermaine would benefit from a nurtur-ing
adoptive family who is respectful, positive, and able to set appro-priate
boundaries. Jermaine needs patience and loving guidance from
his family as he begins to navigate difficult choices on his own. It is
also important that Jermaine’s forever family is open and committed
to allowing him to maintain birth family connections.
Help us fi nd families for these children
For more information on these children or adoption in general, call the NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care Network
at 1-877-NCKIDS-1 <www.adoptnckids.org>
Jonathan (age 16)
Jonathan is an artistic, funny young man who is
friendly and easy to talk to. He is always thinking
about how he can help others. He likes to play bas-ketball,
football, and soccer, and loves to ride his bike
or go for a swim. He also likes to play guitar and har-monica
and sing gospel music. Church is big part of
his life. In school, where he receives extra assistance
to help him reach his full potential, Jonathan’s favor-ite
subject is science. When he grows up he would like
to own a business that rescues animals.
Jonathan longs for a forever family that is patient
and will take time to really listen to him. A family with
experience with developmental delays would be ideal. Jonathan deserves a fam-ily
who will support him into adulthood and be a positive, nurturing influence
throughout his life. He would like a family who likes animals, lives in a big house,
and has a loving mom and dad, with siblings in the home. Belonging to a family
that enjoys attending church is also important to Jonathan.
Zach (age 13)
Zach is an outgoing young man who likes to meet new
people. He enjoys playing team sports, especially foot-ball
and basketball. Zach likes visiting amusement
parks and playing outside. He’s also a big fan of the
TV show, “The Walking Dead.” Zach’s favorite subject
in school is math and he aspires to be an engineer
when he grows up. His dream is to design airplanes
for the U.S. Army.
Zach is eager to join his forever family. He would
prefer a Christian family with other children his age
or older. It’s also important to Zach that his family
is nice and they are interested in outdoor activities,
such as riding dirt bikes or four-wheelers. Zach needs a family who is consistent,
structured, loving, and patient. He also needs a family who is open to maintain-ing
regular contact with his siblings. An experienced family will be just what Zach
needs to thrive.
Nick (age 16), TJ (age 13),
and Hannah (age 11)
Nick, TJ, and Hannah are sweet,
loving children who share a spe-cial
sibling bond. Nick is an out-going
and caring young man with
a deep love for his siblings. He’s
savvy with computers and video
games and he would like to be a
video game designer. When Nick
applies himself in school it is
clear he is highly capable and
intelligent. TJ is a very respectful
and sweet boy who loves to talk and make people laugh. He loves animals and he
likes to tinker with machines to see how they work. TJ works diligently in school
and his teachers report he is always a pleasure to have in class. Hannah is an
active little girl who is a great helper. Her favorite movie is “Toy Story” and she
loves to play with any “Toy Story” toys or games. Hannah experiences some intel-lectual
and developmental disabilities. With lots of structure and supervision in
her current placement, she has made great progress. In her self-contained class-room,
Hannah is an excellent helper and she’s eager to learn new things.
Nick, TJ, and Hannah deserve an active, patient, and affectionate family that
understands the losses they have experienced. These children are very close with
their adult sister and it’s important that this relationship be maintained. Though
the first priority is to identify an adoptive home for all three children together,
families who are interested in maintaining their sibling connection through sig-nificant
and regular visits may be considered.
16
Jordan Institute for Families
UNC School of Social Work
Campus Box #3550
Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550
Writing Contest
First Prize: $100 • Second Prize: $50 • Third Prize: $25
If you are under 18 and are or have
been in foster care, please send us
a letter or short essay in response
to the following question:
What does being healthy
mean to you?
DEADLINE: August 3, 2016
E-mail submissions to jdmcmaho@unc.edu or mail them to: Foster-ing
Perspectives, Family & Children’s Resource Program, CB#3550,
UNC-CH School of Social Work, Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550.
Include your name, age, address, and phone number. In addition to
receiving the awards specified above, winners will have their work
published in the next issue. Runners-up may also have their work
published, for which they will also receive a cash award.
Seeking Artwork and Other Writing Submissions
Submissions can be on any theme. There is no deadline for non-con-test
submissions: submit your work at any time. If sent via U.S. Mail,
artwork should be sent flat (unfolded) on white, unlined paper.
Get in-service training credit for
reading this newsletter!
Enjoy Fostering Perspectives and earn credit toward your relicensure.
Just write down the answers to the questions below and present them
to your licensing social worker. If your answers are satisfactory, you’ll
receive 30 minutes of training credit. If you have questions about this
method of gaining in-service training credit, ask your worker.
In-Service Quiz, FP v20 n2
1. According to Judge Carmical, how do resource parents make a
positive difference in court?
2. Allison Gilliam argues we can make a difference in children’s lives
by helping them understand what it means to eat healthy. What’s
been your experience in this area?
3. Describe one example from this issue of how resource parent
participation helped during a CFT.
4. How did Toni Davis help her daughter “turn it around” at school?
5. What is Wounded Children, Healing Homes and how does Jeanne
Preisler think it might help you?
6. Name three ways to respond if someone tells you they could never
foster because it would be “too hard.”
7. What are three potential benefits of shared parenting for resource
parents?
8. Take five minutes and do one of the three “basic meditations”
suggested by Deena Murphy, then briefly explain what it was like.
9. This issue describes important new NC laws relevant to foster
care. Which of these interests you most, and why?
10. What did you find most striking in Megan Holmes’ piece on what
youth appreciate about foster parents?
11. If you haven’t already, go to http://eepurl.com/brPe9b and sign up
for the Fostering Perspectives email list!
NONPROFIT ORG.
U.S. POSTAGE
PAID
PERMIT 177
CHAPEL HILL, NC
fostering perspectives
Have You Heard about NC Reach?
Our state’s NC Reach program provides college funding and
support services to young people adopted from North Carolina
DSS foster care after the age of 12 and those who age out of
the system at 18. Benefi ts include:
• Funding. NC Reach provides last dollar funding after all fed-eral,
state, and private dollars have been applied, to ensure
that students can the meet the cost of attendance at community colleges or
four-year public schools.
• Mentoring. Be matched with a volunteer online mentor based on your profes-sional,
academic, and personal interests and goals.
• Workshops. You must attend at least one workshop every semester. Topics
relate to school, work, and home life.
• Academic Support. Participants are coached by NC Reach staff; if they fall
below a 2.0 GPA they are enrolled in a program for intensive academic sup-port.
• Internships. NC Reach coaches students on fi nding and successfully applying
for internships in their communities and across North Carolina.
Eligibility Requirements
• Applicants must have aged out of North Carolina’s DSS foster care system at
age 18 or have been adopted from the system after the age of 12.
• Applicants must be considered residents of North Carolina for tuition purposes.
• Applicants must attend a North Carolina state university or community col-lege.
For a list of eligible schools, visit www.northcarolina.edu.
• Participants must maintain a 2.0 GPA on a four-point scale and be making
“satisfactory progress” towards a degree.
For further information or to enroll, visit www.ncreach.org.
Readers, Don’t Lose Touch!
Fostering Perspectives will soon go all online—copies
will no longer be printed and mailed out to readers.
Don’t lose touch with us!
To be notifi ed by email when new issues appear
online, go to http://eepurl.com/brPe9b and sign up. !