fostering perspectives VIEWS ON FOSTER CARE AND ADOPTION IN NORTH CAROLINA
Nov. 2017 • Vol. 22, No. 1 WWW.FOSTERINGPERSPECTIVES.ORG
Sponsored by the NC Division of Social Services and the Family and Children’s Resource Program
Promoting the resilience of young people in foster care
continued next page
Two brothers, close in age, had the same
difficult childhood. They experienced phys-ical
and sexual abuse and lived in violent
neighborhoods. Both their parents strug-gled
with alcohol and spent time in jail.
Today, one brother is a thriving business-man
who is happily married, a good father,
and a valued member of his community. The
other is chronically unemployed and fight-ing
ongoing battles with substance misuse,
depression, poverty, and poor health.
As resource parents and child welfare pro-fessionals,
we all want young people in foster
care to lead lives that turn out like the first
brother, not the second.
Resilience: Key concepts
Reprinted with permission from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (http://developingchild.harvard.edu)
to respond adaptively to adver-sity
and thrive. This combina-tion
of supportive relationships,
adaptive skill-building, and posi-tive
experiences is the foundation
of resilience.
2. Children who do well
in the face of serious hard-ship
typically have a biologi-cal
resistance to adversity and
strong relationships with the
important adults in their fam-ily
and community. Resilience
is the result of a combination of
protective factors. Neither indi-vidual
characteristics nor social
environments alone are likely to
ensure positive outcomes for chil-dren
who experience prolonged
periods of toxic stress. It is the
interaction between biology and
environment that builds a child’s
ability to cope with adversity and
overcome threats to healthy devel-opment.
3. Research has identified a
common set of factors that pre-dispose
children to positive out-comes
in the face of significant
adversity. Individuals who dem-onstrate
resilience in response
to one form of adversity may not
necessarily do so in response to
another. Yet when these positive
influences are operating effectively,
they “stack the scale” with posi-tive
weight and optimize resilience
across multiple contexts. These
counterbalancing factors include:
• facilitating supportive adult-child
relationships;
• building a sense of self-efficacy
and perceived control;
• providing opportunities to
strengthen adaptive skills and
self-regulatory capacities; and
• mobilizing sources of faith,
hope, and cultural traditions.
4. Learning to cope with
manageable threats is critical for
the development of resilience.
One way to understand the devel-opment
of resilience is to visual-ize
a balance scale or seesaw (see
figure). Protective experiences
and coping skills on one side
counterbalance significant adver-sity
on the other. Resilience is
evident when a child’s health and
development tips toward positive
outcomes—even when a heavy
load of factors is stacked on the
negative outcome side.
1. The single most common
factor for children who develop
resilience is at least one sta-ble
and committed relation-ship
with a supportive parent,
caregiver, or other adult. These
relationships provide the per-sonalized
responsiveness, scaf-folding,
and protection that buf-fer
children from developmental
disruption. They also build key
capacities—such as the ability
to plan, monitor, and regulate
behavior—that enable children
We know there is no guarantee.
We have no control over what hap-pens
to children before they come
into our care, or when they leave.
Sometimes the trauma and adver-sity
they have faced can make their
odds of living a productive, happy, healthy
life seem very, very long.
But we have reason to hope. Advances in
research have given us a much better under-standing
of resilience, the skill the first
brother clearly has—the ability to adapt and
do well despite serious hardships.
For example, one of the things we know is
that the capabilities that underlie resilience
can be strengthened at any age. It
is never too late to build resilience.
Indeed, resource parents are
well positioned to help children:
research shows the most common
trait shared by resilient children is
a stable, committed relationship with at least
one supportive parent, caregiver, or other
adult.
We hope the information and encourage-ment
in this issue of Fostering Perspectives
will help you help children and youth in fos-ter
care develop the skills they need to man-age
stress, cope with adversity, and grow up
to lead their best possible lives.
It is never too
late to build
resilience.
Tipping the Scale Toward
Positive Outcomes
Source: Nat’l Scientifi c Council on the Developing Child, 2015
The initial placement of the fulcrum
affects how easily the scale tips toward
positive or negative outcomes.
Over time, the cumulative impact of
positive life experiences and coping skills
can shift the fulcrum’s position, making it
easier to achieve positive outcomes.
Fulcrum
Fulcrum
Positive Outcomes
Negative Outcomes

Positive Outcomes
When positive experiences outweigh
negative experiences, a child’s “scale”
tips toward positive outcomes.

Positive Outcomes
Negative Outcomes 

Negative Outcomes
2
Not all stress is harmful. There
are numerous opportunities in
every child’s life to experience
manageable stress—and with
the help of supportive adults,
this “positive stress” can be
growth-promoting. Over time, we
become better able to cope with
life’s obstacles and hardships,
both physically and mentally.
5. The capabilities that under-lie
resilience can be strength-ened
at any age. The brain and
other biological systems are most
adaptable early in life. Yet while
their development lays the foun-dation
for a wide range of resil-ient
behaviors, it is never too late
to build resilience. Age-appro-priate,
health-promoting activi-ties
can significantly improve
the odds that an individual will
recover from stress-inducing
experiences.
For example, regular physical
exercise, stress-reduction prac-tices,
and programs that actively
build executive function and self-regulation
skills can improve the
abilities of children and adults
to cope with, adapt to, and even
prevent adversity in their lives.
Adults who strengthen these
skills in themselves can better
model healthy behaviors for their
children, thereby improving the
resilience of the next generation.
Being a strong parent, even when you’re stressed
Caring for a child who needs you can be one
of the best experiences in the world—but it
can also be stressful for you and your family.
To support foster and adoptive parents and
kinship caregivers, the Center for the Study
of Social Policy (CSSP) developed “Taking
Care of Yourself,” a tool to help them:
• Reflect on their experience as a resource
parent
• Identify their strengths and where they
may need more support
• Be aware of how traumatic experiences
may affect the children in their care and
how that might impact them as caregivers
• Respond to the child in a supportive way
even when their behavior is challenging.
The following is excerpted from the part of
this tool about resource parent resilience.
Resource Parent Resilience
Resilience is the process of managing stress
and functioning well even when things are
difficult. Being resilient as a parent or care-giver
means:
• Taking care of and feeling good about
yourself
• Asking for help when you need it
• Being hopeful and preparing for the
future
• Planning for what you will do in situations
that are challenging for you or the child
• Not allowing stress to get in the way of
providing loving care for the child
• Taking time to really enjoy the child and
doing things you like to do together.
Reflect to Stay Strong
Take a moment to reflect on the following
questions about your own resilience and how
you can stay strong:
1. What helps you feel calm when things
are stressful in your everyday life? Please
list three small actions you can take to help
yourself feel strong and calm. Can you make
time to do these things on a regular basis?
2. What things really get under your skin
as a parent? Make a plan for the things that
you know have been stressful and might hap-pen
again. Think about the things this child
might do differently from your other children
and how you will respond.
3. Think back to other parenting or child
care experiences you have had. What were
some of the things you really enjoyed? Ask
the child in your care about things they enjoy
doing or would like to try. Building routines
together around activities that you both enjoy
is an important part of building a positive
nurturing relationship.
If you have a caseworker, therapist, or close
friend you rely on for support, consider dis-cussing
your answers to the questions above
with that person so they can support you as
you care for this child. You may also want to
share your answers with other family mem-bers
to help you all focus on what you can do
to best support the child and each other.
Check Out the Full Tool
The “Taking Care of Yourself” tool is part
of Strengthening Families, an effort built
around five “protective factors.” Protective
factors are strengths families rely on, espe-cially
when life gets difficult. The protective
factors discussed in this tool are:
• Parental resilience: Be strong, even when
you’re stressed
• Social connections: Get and give support
• Knowledge of parenting and child devel-opment:
Learn more so you can parent
better
• Concrete support in times of need: Get
help when you need it
• Children’s social-emotional competence:
Help your child learn to care for them-selves
and others
You can find the full tool online at http://bit.
ly/2wu6f4n.
Trauma Tip
It is easier to feel resilient in a parenting role when you get positive feedback from
the child that what you do matters and the child feels loved. It may be hard for this
child to give you that feedback at fi rst. Don’t get discouraged—it is understandable.
They are likely scared and frightened. They may feel they are betraying their birth
parent(s) if they let anyone else get close to them. It is very important for you to
continue to provide loving care, even when the child can’t let you know they want
it or appreciate it. Please remember to take care of yourself and remind yourself you
are doing your best in a diffi cult situation. — Reprinted from CSSP, n.d.
Resilience: Key concepts
Reprinted with permission from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (http://developingchild.harvard.edu)
Learn More about Resilience
The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University has made the
following available to those who want to learn more about resilience:
Watch a series of short videos that provides an overview
of why resilience matters, how it develops, and how to
strengthen it in children. https://developingchild.harvard.
edu/resources/inbrief-resilience-series/
Read a working paper called “Supportive Relationships
and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of
Resilience” by the National Scientifi c Council on the
Developing Child. https://www.developingchild.harvard.
edu/resources/
Play the interactive “Tipping the Scales: The Resilience
Game,” which teaches how the choices we make can
help children and the community as a whole become
more resilient in the face of serious challenges. https://
developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/resilience-game/

WATCH
continued from previous page
3
Resilience is something everyone can build
by Jeanne Preisler
Resilience is not
something you
have or don’t
have. Resilience
is something everyone can build.
The more tools you have, the
more resilient you can become.
Here is an approach that has
helped me that I believe will be
helpful to you and, through you,
to others in your life—including
young people in foster care.
Resourcing Happy Memories
I have a happy memory I abso-lutely
love. I was teaching an
8-year-old how to play chess. We
were at a friend’s beach house,
right after lunch. We were at a
table outside on the porch and
the day was beautiful. The tem-perature
was perfect. The sky
was blue with white puffy clouds.
There was a little breeze. I could
hear the waves and other chil-dren
laughing nearby.
I have “resourced” this mem-ory.
I have turned it into a tool—
part haven, part pick-me-up—I
can use any time I need to center
myself or change my perspective.
I have shared this memory with
others in such detail that they
can “see” it like they would expe-rience
a movie. This crystallized
the memory for me. Sometimes,
instead of going for coffee, I go to
this memory instead.
When I remember that wonder-ful
day, I almost instantly feel bet-ter.
There is a smile on my face
and I am renewed with energy.
I learned this process of mak-ing
“resources” out of good mem-ories
through something called
the Community Resilience
Model. We often help children
handle their traumatic histories
with cognitive-behavioral strat-egies.
This is one such strategy
that is simple and accessible to
everyone. This is a strategy we
can help develop any time with
any person (young or old).
Unhappy Memories
Of course, not all memories are
good. Many of us have witnessed
or done things we would rather
forget. One way we can boost
our resilience is to understand
when these difficult memories
are likely to arise and how our
bodies react when they do.
For example, if you grew up
with domestic violence, someone
raising their voice in a discussion
may cause you to have a flash-back.
If you experienced some-thing
bad around the holidays,
walking in the mall at that time
of year, with those decorations,
may cause you to remember that
event. Better understanding your
history and preparing for how
you might react when memories
intrude is a great way to start
building your resilience toolbox.
This can be especially helpful to
young people in foster care, many
of whom struggle daily with diffi-cult,
intrusive memories.
Given your history (or the
young person’s history you are
working with), think about what
might cause you to relive those
negative experiences. Some things
that trigger memories may be:
• Being touched
• Yelling
• Time of year
• Particular time of day
• Being isolated
• People being too close
• Fighting
• Anniversaries
• Loud noises
• Specific people
• Doors closed
• Doors open
• Being forced to talk
• People in uniform
• Seeing others out of control
Even if we don’t know what trig-gers
us, our body reacts when we
relive negative experiences. These
reactions are a kind of “tell”—a
tell is change in a poker player’s
behavior or demeanor that gives
clues to what’s in their hand.
What is your body’s “tell” when
you are experiencing a difficult
memory? Think about what hap-pens
when you are stressed.
Some stress signs might be:
• Sweating
• Red faced
• Rocking back/forth
• Crying
• Sleeping less
• Breathing hard
• Wringing hands
• Pacing
• Eating less
• Eating more
• Racing heart
• Hyper
• Clenching teeth
• Bouncing legs
• Shortness of breath
• Swearing
• Nauseous
• Agitated or yelling
One of my “tells” is that I get impa-tient
with people or my animals.
Usually this happens before I
even realize I am stressed. Other
times, my eyes begin to well-up
before I have the words to under-stand
what I am feeling. When
I see these signs, I know it is
time to use the strategies I have
learned to get myself back to an
“even baseline.”
Getting Back to Baseline
When we get thrown off balance,
we need ways to get back on
track. I encourage you to identify
many strategies that will work for
you. Some might be things like:
• Writing
• Listening to music
• Reading
• Taking a shower
• Drawing/coloring
• Weighted blankets
• Walking/exercise/sports
• Video games
• Watching TV/movies
• Talking with peers
• Drinking cold water
• Ice chips
• Quiet room
• Nap
• Your “resource” memory
If you don’t know what works for
you, try something listed above.
In fact, try several things. Cre-ate
yourself a resilience toolbox.
Everyone needs one!
Work with friends and other
supportive individuals to better
understand your tells. Friends
can often point them out before
we realize they are happening.
Your friend might say something
like this: “Hmmm. I notice you
are bouncing your leg. That was
one of the things you said hap-pens
when you get anxious, right?
Would you like to go take a quick
walk around the block with me?”
Let’s Be Resilience Builders
All positive relationships can
be restorative. Positive relation-ships
help build resilience. No
matter how long you are in a
young person’s life—a day, 20
days, or 20 years—each moment
is an opportunity to restore that
person’s self-esteem. To restore
their confidence. To restore their
self-worth. These are key tools in
a resilience toolbox.
Today, I ask you to not only be
trauma detectives, but also resil-ience
builders. Parents who are
trauma detectives and resilience
builders will leave an enduring leg-acy
on the young people they serve.
Jeanne Preisler, a Program Consultant
with the NC Division of Social Services,
is leading an effort to help our child-serving
system become more trauma-informed.
The Community Resiliency Model
The Community Resiliency Model (CRM) of the Trauma Resource Institute
trains community members to not only help themselves but to help others
within their wider social network. The primary focus of this skills-based stabi-lization
program is to re-set the natural balance of the nervous system. CRM
skills help individuals understand their nervous system and learn to read sen-sations
connected to their own well-being, which CRM calls the “Resilient
Zone.” CRM’s goal is to help to create “trauma-informed” and “resiliency-focused”
communities that share a common understanding of the impact of
trauma and chronic stress on the nervous system and how resiliency can be
restored or increased using this skills-based approach. You can learn more
about CRM by visiting https://www.traumaresourceinstitute.com/crm
We can boost resilience by
knowing when diffi cult memories
are likely to arise for us and how
our bodies react when they do.
4
Raising resilient, compassionate children by Angie Stephenson
Insights from the work of Dr. Brené Brown
How can I help my child become his best
possible self?
Every parent asks this in some form or
fashion, and I am no exception. In recent
years my interest in this question has led
me to the work of Brené Brown. Her ideas
have been so helpful to me that I would like
to share some of them with you.
Brené Brown
Brené Brown, PhD, is a professor at the
University of Houston’s Graduate College
of Social Work. Her specialty is qualitative
research, which uses focus groups and inter-views
to gain insight into why people do what
they do. Much of Dr. Brown’s work has con-centrated
on vulnerability, shame, and devel-oping
guideposts for “wholeheartedness.”
Many of the ideas in this article come from
her 2013 audiobook, The Gifts of Imperfect
Parenting: Raising Children with Courage,
Compassion, and Connection.
Be What You Want Your Child to Become
One of Dr. Brown’s key messages is who you
are is a much more powerful predictor of
who your children will become than what you
know or what you say to them. What matters
most are the things you demonstrate in your
own behavior, attitudes, and self-talk. Or as
Joseph Chilton Pearce put it, “We must be
what we want our children to become.”
This is our greatest challenge and greatest
opportunity as parents: to become the adults
we want our children to be and to understand
what it means to raise children with courage,
compassion, and connection. In doing this,
parents will be able to cultivate a sense of
worthiness in themselves and their children.
Providing this type of example is perhaps
even more important for foster and adoptive
parents. Sometimes young people come to
you not knowing how to communicate in a
healthy way. Often they have trouble trusting
adults. By cultivating worthiness and resil-ience
in yourself, you provide an example
that may be more helpful than you realize.
Shame Resilience
One of the most important things we can
model for our children is a sense of worthi-ness.
We often act as if worthiness is condi-tional.
For instance, I may believe I will only
be worthy when I lose five pounds, if my hus-band
gets a promotion, or if no one knows
my house is a mess. This is incorrect.
Worthiness has no prerequisites. It is an
“as-is” proposition. Worthiness is about
showing up and letting yourself be seen. Dr.
Brown describes people who have a sense of
worthiness without prerequisites as “whole-hearted,”
and cautions that the enemy of
worthiness is shame.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or
experience of believing that we are flawed
and therefore unworthy of love and belong-ing.
Shame is the belief there is something we
have done that renders us unlovable and we
do not deserve to be in connection with other
people. Shame is very highly correlated with
addiction, depression, suicide, eating disor-ders,
violence, and bullying.
Guilt, on the other hand, is about what we
have done or choices we have made, not who
we are. Guilt is inversely correlated with the
outcomes listed above under shame. In other
words, guilt self-talk has positive outcomes
and can help prevent addiction, depression,
suicide, eating disorders, violence, and bul-lying.
As parents, we must do all we can to
raise children who rely heavily on guilt self-talk,
not shame self-talk.
Partly this depends on what we say. For
example, if your son spills soda and exclaims,
“I’m so stupid!” you might say to him, “Every-one
has accidents. I don’t want you to think
you are stupid. Even if it had been on pur-pose,
it may have been a bad choice, but you
are not stupid.”
But teaching shame resilience also
depends on what we do. If you shout, “I’m
an idiot!” when you accidentally spill pasta
sauce, which message will be more powerful
to your son?
Another way to build shame resilience in
our children is to talk with them about it.
These conversations are particularly helpful
when children are already seeing you practic-ing
what you are telling them. Dr. Brown rec-ommends
having conversations even when
you don’t respond exactly like you wish you
had responded. Let your children know in a
straightforward way you are trying to change
the way you respond, even if you are not yet
where you want to be.
Finally, Dr. Brown recommends setting
family ground rules around shame resil-ience.
In her family, one of the rules is that
name-calling is not allowed. You may have
other ground rules. Ground rules can set the
stage for how everyone will interact and help
all family members know what to expect.
This can be especially important when chil-dren
are new to your home. Make sure your
rules cover expectations for how adults will
treat each other and the children and how
children will treat each other and the adults.
Resilience to Perfectionism
We also want children to know the difference
between perfectionism and healthy striving.
Perfectionism is 100% externally-driven.
According to Dr. Brown, perfectionism is not
about doing better and being better. Rather,
it is a burdensome defense mechanism—she
calls it a 20-ton shield. Perfectionism uses a
thought process that says, “If I look perfect,
live perfect, work perfect, and do it all per-fectly,
I can avoid or minimize feeling shame,
blame, and judgment.”
If a perfectionist goes into a social setting
with a goal of being perfect and she ends up
facing rejection, rather than deciding that
perfectionism doesn’t work, the perfection-ist’s
thought process will tell her that the
problem is that she wasn’t perfect enough.
She will think, “Next time I am going to be
really perfect.”
Healthy striving is something else entirely.
Healthy striving is internally-driven. It involves
setting a goal to accomplish something and
holding high expectations for yourself.
One of the biggest challenges with perfec-tionism
is that it can be incredibly contagious.
Dr. Brown has talked with numerous families
where a parent confides that he or she is really
struggling with perfectionism, but is deter-mined
not to pass it down to the children.
This is a false hope. We cannot raise chil-dren
who are more resilient to perfectionism
than we are. As Dr. Brown explains, “What
I know to be true from my own experiences
and certainly from the research is that if we
are caught in perfectionism, driven by what
other people think, unintentionally or inten-tionally,
we are handing that down as a prior-ity
to our children.”
Learn More
If any of these examples of Dr. Brown’s work
resonates with you, you can access her blog,
books, audiobooks, and TED talks from her
website: http://Brenébrown.com.
Angenette (Angie) Stephenson, a former foster care
social worker, is a partner at Holcomb & Stephenson,
LLP, a small law fi rm in Chapel Hill that specializes in
social services law and appeals, with plans to add fos-ter
parent adoptions to its practice in 2018.
“One of the things we need to think about as
parents is: what prerequisites for worthiness
are we knowingly or unknowingly handing
down to our children?” — Brené Brown
5
Resilient parenting involves seeing the needs
behind challenging behaviors by Bob DeMarco
Webster’s defines resilience as
the capacity to recover quickly
from difficulties. Resilience is toughness,
inner strength. Without it, we wither when
hard things happen to us.
Our Kids Are Resilient!
All children in foster care or who have been
adopted have endured the trauma of being
separated from their biological families. Many
have endured even more traumatic events.
Out of necessity, these children learned to
adapt to their circumstances. For example,
the child who was neglected may have learned
to care for himself and his siblings. To avoid
the pain of being abandoned, a young girl
might develop a more palatable story that
elevates her mother’s actions to the heroic.
The boy who moved from home to home and
family to family might close himself off to
affection to avoid the inevitable broken heart.
These are all ways children who have been
through hard things demonstrate their resil-ience.
They are learned through the school of
hard knocks, and they are learned well.
But Adaptations Can Be Challenging
Unfortunately, our children’s adaptive behav-iors
can sometimes be the ones we find most
challenging: stealing, hoarding, lying, hurting
animals, parenting their siblings, running
away, fighting, disobedience, sabotaging a
new placement . . . the list goes on and on.
Destructive and ultimately self-defeating
as they may be, these behaviors are ways that
a child protects herself or meets a perceived
need. The needs behind the behaviors run
deep, so the behaviors themselves cannot be
easily overcome.
Seeing Beyond the Behavior
When struggling with challenging behaviors,
try to see beyond the behavior to the child’s
underlying needs. This accomplishes several
things. First, it allows us to see the child’s
true heart. When we can do this, our perspec-tive
changes from seeing a “problem child” to
seeing a child with problems.
This shift makes all the difference. It moves
the parent-child relationship from adversar-ial
to a partnership. Rather than struggling
with your child, you can stand shoulder to
shoulder together against the demons that
chase him.
When we get really good at seeing beyond
the behavior, we may be able to see some real
positives in children’s resilience. Instead of
seeing a kid with tough skin, we may begin
to see them as truly courageous and strong.
Maybe they persevered through years of
abuse, or they may have such a sense of loy-alty
to their siblings that they would
do anything to protect them. Maybe
they have such deep love and com-passion
for their parents that in
spite of what the parents have done,
the child is willing to forgive and try
to forget.
Choosing to see children who
have experienced trauma in this
way can infuse battle-weary par-ents
with much-needed hope and
the will to persevere through the
storms children’s pain can bring
into our homes.
Seeing beyond the behavior also
helps us to be better advocates for our chil-dren.
We can work on our children’s behalf,
helping others in their lives to see them as we
do. We can focus our child’s support system
to target true needs, rather than merely man-aging
behaviors.
Reflecting on OUR Adaptations
My original thought in writing this piece was
to focus on our children’s resilience and their
adaptive behaviors and to encourage you to
think differently about them. This is impor-tant
to be sure, but I’ve come to see that’s
only a part of the picture.
It occurs to me that, just like our children,
we resource parents develop adaptive behav-iors
and attitudes to meet our needs. If I’m
honest, I have to admit that some of these
behaviors and attitudes can be self-defeating
and destructive.
In the five and a half years our kids have
been with us, my wife and I have learned lots
of “survival skills” that help us in the short-term,
but not in the long run. Things like try-ing
to control our children’s every move (even
when they aren’t being unsafe), or stepping
away from support systems that may be dif-ficult
to maintain, or being overly skeptical
about our child’s intentions more often than
we ought, or choosing to do whatever is easi-est
for us in the moment.
All these adaptations were born out of
necessity in response to some crazy thing
that’s gone on, but I have to ask myself: “Is
my behavior or attitude motivated by what’s
best for my child? Is there a better way?”
“What Is My True Goal?”
I think the answers can only be found when
we focus on the right question: “What is my
true goal?”
Sure, if my goal is to just get through the
day without a major blowout, then the best
thing for me to do is put on the TV and let the
kids veg out. I can guarantee there will be no
problems if we do that.
On the other hand, if my
goal is to help my children
overcome their maladaptive
behaviors so they can live the
best life they can, I arrive at a
different answer.
In my way of thinking, we
have sacrificed far too much
over the years to have it all
turn out badly because I was
too tired to do my best. These
sacrifices, along with my deep
conviction about who my kids
can become, fuel my commit-ment
to helping them grow
and heal. When I parent with my children’s
long-term interests in mind, my success as
a parent is no longer dependent upon their
short-term behaviors and I can put my head
on the pillow each night with no regrets.
My wife and I chose this life because we felt
a higher calling to help some kids through
some really rough things. While it’s true that
we really couldn’t grasp the changes and dif-ficulties
in front of us, we adapted just the
same. We don’t know what challenges still
lay ahead, but I think it’s clear there will be
some.
In light of that, I choose to think, act, and
live for the long game rather than the short.
As anyone in my house will attest, I often fail
at this. But being committed to long-term
thinking means that when I do fail, I have to
get back up, dust myself off, and start fresh
again.
That means I need to be willing to look
honestly at my motivations and behaviors
and adjust accordingly to work for the best
outcome. It means that on a daily basis I
have to make the hard choice to look beyond
my children’s difficult behaviors to see who
they really are and what they really need. It
means fighting past my tendency to take the
easy road or give in to fatigue.
As parents to kids who have experienced
trauma, purpose-driven resilience demands
that we proactively address our own needs
in a healthy way so that we have the strength
and perseverance to do the hard things we
are often called to do. It requires us to under-stand
that our kids’ negative behaviors give
us an indication of both their vulnerabilities
and their strengths. It takes a lot of patience
and work to overcome these challenges…but
it’s worth it.
Bob DeMarco is an adoptive parent in North Carolina.
We must
proactively
address our
own needs in a
healthy way so we
have the strength
and perseverance
to do the hard
things we are
often called to do.
6
Promoting positive self-talk and body image in girls
by Jennifer Hull-Rogers
The more man meditates upon good
thoughts, the better will be his world
and the world around him. — Confucius
When he said this, whether Confucius knew
it or not, he was speaking about self-talk.
Self-talk is the inner monologue we hold with
ourselves throughout the day. The “mood” of
this internal conversation affects how we feel
about ourselves on our journey of life.
If self-talk is constructive (I deserve this,
I’ve worked hard for this, I am capable,
etc.), you feel motivated and confident. If it is
negative (I look stupid in these clothes, noth-ing’s
going to get better, etc.), you second
guess yourself and become filled with doubt.
This inner dialogue affects our men-tal
state. When it is positive, confidence is
boosted, performance increases, stress lev-els
go down, and positive physical health is
cultivated. When it is powerfully negative,
self-talk can distort our self-image and may
even result in a loss of our true self.
Media and Loss of Self
In her book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the
Selves of Adolescent Girls (1994), Mary Pipher
notes that entering adolescence can make
females feel powerless and confused. She
describes adolescence as a potentially danger-ous
time when girls can be at risk of losing
themselves, of shifting from a vibrant young
girl to a depressed, self-critical adolescent.
Pipher believes the media contributes
to this change. TV, movies, magazines, and
books often portray women as beautiful crea-tures
and nothing more. This reductive view
of women has been around for centuries.
Consider Shakespeare’s “Hamlet,” a play
which was first performed in 1603. When
the character Ophelia falls in love with Ham-let,
she tries everything to please him, but he
spurns her. Rather than accepting this and
moving on with her life, Ophelia kills herself.
She relies on Hamlet to define her.
In so much of what they read and watch on
TV, teenage girls see women whose sense of
self-worth depends solely on their attractive-ness
to men. The messages the media sends
again and again are: be attractive, but not too
attractive. Don’t be too smart, or guys won’t
like you. We all know girls (and women) who
diet and sacrifice to try to meet the societal
standards of beauty set by magazine covers.
Families Can Play a Role
If they aren’t careful, families—including fos-ter
families—can contribute to a girl’s loss of
self. Often parents do not realize the impact
they have on their children.
For example, many mothers struggle to
stay close with their daughters, not realiz-ing
that their need for control prevents their
daughters from gaining independence. This
can spark resentment in some girls because
the desire to achieve independence increases
as a person grows older.
Or sometimes, if a father is sexist, his
daughter may come to believe she is a mere
object whose only function is to please men.
The good news is, resource parents and
birth parents can work together to ensure
children and teens develop a strong sense
of self. They can talk together about serving
as role-models, and they can try to have the
same rules and expectations for the child and
talk with each other about roles, boundaries,
and relationships. They can talk about why
positive parental messages are so important.
Occasionally, there may be times when
resource parents and birth parents can’t get
on the same page (e.g., even after a talking
about it, birth dad still makes sexist com-ments
or birth mom still comments on child’s
weight). When this happens, serving as a role
model is more important than ever. Continue
to send the child positive messages that will
help build a foundation for a healthy self.
Promoting Positive Self-Talk
What can you do to promote positive self-talk
in the children you care for? First, be mindful
of what you say around them. Name calling
and “you never” statements can contribute
to the child’s negative inner voice. Instead,
increase your use of statements such as:
I love you. I’m proud of you. I enjoy your
company. You make me smile. Thanks for
contributing to our family,
Words like these help nurture a positive
inner voice. Also, listen to statements the
child makes. When you hear something nega-tive
(I can’t, I never, etc.), take a three-step
approach: find out what’s wrong, reassure
the child, and help them choose a positive
statement to say instead.
For example, if you hear the child say, I’m
stupid, find out the reason for the statement.
Was it a bad grade on a test? If so, assure the
child they are not “stupid” by pointing out
previous good grades, their overall grade in
the class, and that this is just one test. Help
them come up with alternative things to say
to themselves and others, such as I’ll try bet-ter
next time, or I will study more.
Positive Body Image
Guiding children in developing a positive
body image is also important. One way to do
this is by focusing on what their bodies are
capable of (you’re so fast, you made that
look easy, etc.), rather than their appear-ance
(you’re so pretty, cute, etc.). Keeping
kids active can help you reinforce positive
body messages; involve your child in differ-ent
sports (e.g., dance, gymnastics, soccer,
karate, baseball, swimming, etc.).
Having open conversations related to food
choices also helps. Model that food is fuel
by balancing healthy and unhealthy options.
Water, fruits, vegetables, and lean meats
are for every day. Candies, chips, soda, etc.
should be occasional indulgences.
Never make negative comments about your
own body in front of the child, since this sets
an example of how we should feel about our
bodies and their capabilities.
Healthy Media
Media can be a problem, but it can also con-tribute
to positive body image. There are
many books that do this. For example, Elena
Favilli’s Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls
(2017) is about women who have achieved
great things and changed history despite the
odds. This collection of bedtime stories will
inspire young girls to be confident, to dream
big, and to cultivate their strength.
Another great series for readers ages 4-8
is by Jennifer Foswell. These books, which
include titles such as My Name is Not Alex-ander
and My Name is Not Isabella, depict
children who gain confidence by imagining
themselves as men and women from history.
There are also many shows and movies
that depict positive female role models. Peg +
Cat, Dino Dana, Odd Squad, Anne of Green
Gables, Brave, Mulan, and Real Women
Have Curves are just a few. Look for works
that expose girls to strong female characters
who do not necessarily meet society’s stan-dard
of beauty but are strong and successful.
Conclusion
As parents, we owe it to our children to find
ways to remind them every day that they are
fearfully and wonderfully made. Promoting
positive self-talk and body image will help
them develop a healthy self that can with-stand
the storms life will inevitably throw
their way. Every child should be able to
answer the question of who they are and to
know in their hearts that they are lovable,
capable, and worthwhile.
What we say and do sets an example of how we feel
about our bodies and their capabilities.
7
Defi ning yourself in a society that tries to decide for you
by Megan Holmes
In today’s society, everyone
is promoting self-love. The
message is that you should
embrace yourself and walk
confidently in your skin, no
matter what others think or say. However,
that is far easier said than done.
Why? Because what people do is different
from what they say.
Just consider social media. It has grown
to be one of the biggest critics of our time.
Social media encourages constant competi-tion
with those around us. As humans, we
naturally want to be part of the “in crowd.”
Knowing that, social media publishes things
that make us want to be what society says
we should be. Many of the images on social
media (and on TV, movies, and other media)
showcase individuals who are ageless, petite,
muscular, or of a certain popularity.
Unfortunately, this fosters a negative body
image in young people and even in adults.
After all, many people do not have the body
types, characteristics, or social status held up
by society. When what they see in the mirror
does not match what they see on social media,
many young people feel “abnormal” and find
it hard to accept and love themselves.
How can a young person overcome the
pressures around them? That young per-son
should remember who created them
and how their Creator sees them. When God
does something, it is good. Therefore, when
God created you—with your every “flaw”
and imperfection—He did a good thing! Just
because someone doesn’t see what the Artist
saw when He created you doesn’t mean that
there’s a decrease in your beauty and value!
You are not the person in the commercials,
the girls on Instagram, the guys on Twitter.
You are YOU, and that is more than enough!
Every freckle, beauty mark, and hair has
been strategically placed, and that makes
you your own kind of beautiful!
I read something once that said, “Although
beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the feel-ing
of being beautiful exists solely in the mind
of the beheld.” This simply means that your
beauty has already been determined—not by
others, but by YOU! You influence how peo-ple
see you based on how you see yourself,
so begin to reshape your perception of you
based on what God says and what He sees.
You are the company you keep. Begin to
recreate your environment by embracing the
love, encouragement, and support given to
you by those around you. When you do, you
will begin to see yourself change. You will
begin to see the world and your place in it
differently.
YOU define how beautiful you are, not those
around you. You may not see the beauty the
Creator sees just yet, and that’s okay. Begin
to surround yourself with people who are
supportive of you being you. Having comfort
in who you are is the greatest asset you can
have and the best confidence you could ever
display.
Don’t be afraid of living! The world says one
thing, but you don’t have to let society define
and shape your reality. DEFINE LIFE FOR
YOURSELF BY YOUR OWN THOUGHTS OF
YOU! Take your first step to living unapolo-getically.
It’s a little uncomfortable at first,
but it gets easier!
Megan Holmes, a foster care alumna, is Lead Special
Projects Coordinator for SaySo (Strong Able Youth
Speaking Out).
You are not the person in the commercials, the girls
on Instagram, the guys on Twitter. You are YOU, and
that is more than enough!
Prevent Child Abuse NC to screen “Resilience: The Biology of Stress and
the Science of Hope” by Sharon Hirsch
Prevent Child Abuse North Caro-lina
is catalyzing conversations
across the state by screening the
documentary “Resilience: The
Biology of Stress and the Science
of Hope” (2015, KPJR Films).
A showing of this one-hour fi lm
will be held Monday, November
20 at noon at the UNC School of
Social Work in Chapel Hill. This
event, which is free and open to the
public, will feature a post-screen-ing
conversation with North Caro-lina
House Representative Graig
Meyer and April Harley, Director
of our state’s Nurse-Family Part-nership
Program. This discussion
will explore how to use this suc-cinct
but powerful explanation of
adverse childhood experiences
(ACEs) to help build resilience in
children and in our communities.
A Call to Action
The main call to action is for communi-ties
to build local Community Child Abuse
Prevention Plans using the Strengthening
Families Protective Factors Framework
(social and emotional competence of chil-dren,
parental knowledge of parenting and
child development, social connections,
parental resilience, and concrete supports
for families).
Our goal is to move beyond talking
about change at the level of the social
worker, teacher, child, or family. We want
to elevate the dialogue to how an inter-connected
population or system can make
a change. Together, we can shift the con-versation
about child maltreatment to focus
on prevention and upstream solutions.
We know the more resilient a child is,
the more likely they are to deal with nega-tive
situations in a healthy way that won’t
have prolonged unfavorable outcomes.
Resilience is not an innate characteristic,
but a skill that can be taught, learned,
and practiced. Everybody has the ability
to become resilient when surrounded by
the right environments and people.
We also know that toxic stress is a
chronic activation of a physiological
response to stressors when there is no
buffering protection or support. The ACE
study and related research have quan-tifi
ed the physiological effects of stress
and suffering, but spiritual cultures have
understood the relation between body
and mind for eons, and clinicians
have observed and documented it
for decades.
Follow us on social media to
learn more about future screenings
and our work (www.facebook.com/
preventchildabusenc; www.twitter.
com/pcanc).
Sharon Hirsch is President and
CEO of Prevent Child Abuse North
Carolina.
8
Book List for Trauma Champions by Jeanne Preisler
For Children
• Maybe Days: A Book for Children in
Foster Care by Jennifer Wilgocki and
Marcia Kahn Wright
• Kids Need to Be Safe: A Book for
Children in Foster Care by Julie Nelson
• Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A
Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids
by Carol McCloud
• Families Change: A Book for Children
Experiencing Termination of Parental
Rights by Julie Nelson
• What to Do When Mistakes Make You
Quake: A Kid’s Guide to Accepting
Imperfection (What-to-Do Guides for
Kids – Ages 6-12) by Claire A.B. Freeland
• What to Do When You Worry Too Much:
A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety
(What to Do Guides for Kids – Ages
6-12) by Dawn Huebner
For Foster Parents/Social Workers
• Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How
Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster
Families by Jayne Schooler, Betsy Keefer Smalley,
and Timothy Callahan
• Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage
Brain (An Inside-Out Guide to the Emerging
Adolescent Mind, Ages 12-24) by Daniel J. Siegel
• Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring
for Self While Caring for Others
by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky with Connie Burk
• Creating Sanctuary: Toward the Evolution of Sane
Societies by Sandra Bloom
• Understanding Children’s Sexual Behaviors: What’s
Natural and Healthy by Toni Cavanagh Johnson
• The Compassion Fatigue Workbook: Creative Tools
for Transforming Compassion Fatigue and Vicarious
Traumatization by Francoise Mathieu
• Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard
by Chip Heath and Dan Heath
Online Resources for Adults
• Explaining the Brain to Children and Adolescents
by the Georgetown University Center for Child
and Human Development
https://vimeo.com/109042767
• ACEs (TED Talk) by Nadine Burke Harris
http://bit.ly/1LMXlCB
• One Caring Adult by Josh Shipp
http://joshshipp.com/one-caring-adult/
• Over the Cliff (TED Talk) by Laura van
Dernoot Lipsky, https://www.youtube.com/
watch?v=uOzDGrcvmus
• ReMoved by Nathanael Matanick (Director)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOeQUwdAjE0
• Concept of Trauma and Guidance for a
Trauma-Informed Approach (SAMHSA, 2014)
http://bit.ly/1aB4k1D
• Healing Neen by Gallery144 Productions
https://vimeo.com/15851924
• Fostering Connections, Partnering to Improve the
Health and Well-being of Children in Foster Care
by the NC Pediatric Society http://bit.ly/2xjkJID
Report points to power of positive experiences to
overcome childhood adversity
A new report from Casey Fam-ily
Programs explores emerging
research that links positive expe-riences
in childhood with healthy
outcomes for children and fami-lies
and their ability to mitigate the
effects of early adverse childhood
experiences (ACEs). The report
points to actions that lessen the
adversity common in so many fam-ilies
by promoting positive experi-ences
for children and families.
The science of brain development
has linked ACEs with a host of nega-tive
health and emotional problems
as children mature into adolescence
and adulthood. The authors of the
report express concern, however,
that focusing too much on ACEs
runs the risk of labeling children
and families when the emphasis
should be on investing in positive
experiences to help them flourish
and overcome early adversity.
The report seeks to contribute to
the burgeoning “science of thriving”
by introducing the Health Outcomes
of Positive Experiences (HOPE)
framework in support of positive
child and family well-being. The
Resource parents
can help children
thrive by using
parenting
approaches that
allow children
to have positive
experiences.
Reprinted from the Children’s Bureau Express, September 2017 (Vol. 18, No. 6)
Promoting Positive Childhood Experiences
As Sege and Harper Browne (2017) explain, the research-based HOPE
framework places positive childhood experiences in four broad categories:
report describes
parenting prac-tices
and posi-tive
community
norms associ-ated
with healthy
child develop-ment
and exam-ines
factors that
moderate ACEs.
For instance, children are more
likely to demonstrate resilience
when they and their parents are
able to engage in meaningful discus-sions;
when parents are engaged in
their children’s lives, such as par-ticipating
in their children’s activi-ties
and knowing their friends; and
when parents are able to manage
their own stress related to parent-ing.
It also considers the benefits
of investing in positive experiences
that support optimal child health
and development.
The report, Balancing Adverse
Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
with HOPE, is available at https://
www.cssp.org/publications/docu-ments/
Balancing-ACEs-with-HOPE-FINAL.
pdf
Being in nurturing,
supportive
relationships
Living, developing, playing,
and learning in safe, stable,
protective, and equitable
environments
Having opportunities
for constructive social
engagement and to develop
a sense of connectedness
Learning social
and emotional
competencies
• Secure attachments
• Warm, responsive, sustained relationships
• Parent is physically and mentally healthy
• Parent provides supportive care based on
the child’s traits, circumstances, and needs
• A safe, stable home
• Adequate nutrition and suffi cient sleep
• High-quality learning opportunities
• Opportunities for play and physical activity
• High-quality medical and dental care
• Involvement in social institutions and
environments
• Fun and joy in activities and with others
• Success and accomplishment
• Aware of one’s cultural customs and traditions
• A sense of belonging and personal value
• Behavioral, emotional, and cognitive
self-regulation
• Executive function skills
• Positive character traits
• Self-awareness and social cognition
• Functional, productive responses to challenges
CATEGORY EXAMPLES OF KEY POSITIVE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES
This framework underscores the value of the many things resource parents
routinely do, including shared parenting with birth parents, supporting
participation in sports and extracurricular activities, and actively engag-ing
with children through play, reading aloud, and frequent conversation.
9
Three reasons why mindfulness benefi ts parents by Barbara Ley
We hear a lot about mindfulness
these days. At its core, mindful-ness
refers to the ability to bring
conscious attention and aware-ness
to one’s present experience
with non-judgment, acceptance,
and compassion. A growing body
of research demonstrates its
numerous physical, emotional,
and mental benefits, and mind-fulness
practitioners have devel-oped
countless programs and
resources around the world for
adults and children.
I’ve been practicing mindful-ness
on and off since the early
2000s, and I started teaching
it, along with yoga, to children
soon after that. When I became
a parent in 2010, it felt natural
to integrate it into our family life
as well. I know that mindfulness
has had a positive impact on my
kids (whom my husband and I
adopted from China), but just as
importantly, it has benefited me,
particularly my ability to par-ent
in a connected and trauma-informed
manner. Here, I discuss
three reasons why mindfulness
has been a vital practice for me
as a parent and why I have rec-ommended
it to other adoptive
parents and parents of children
with special needs.
To Enhance My Parenting
One reason why I practice mind-fulness
is to improve my con-nected
parenting skills. A calm
and compassionate caregiver is
at the heart of connected and
trauma-informed parenting.
As David Cross, co-founder of
Trust-Based Relational Interven-tion
(TBRI), says, “Stay calm
no matter what. See the need
behind the behavior. Find a way
to meet the need. Don’t quit—if
not you, then who?” Connected
parenting experts also encour-age
caregivers to remain mind-ful
of their triggers and reactive
tendencies so they can learn to
respond effectively to their chil-dren’s
needs. Yet this state “mind-ful
awareness,” as TBRI calls it,
does not come naturally to most
parents, including myself. I find
it difficult to respond calmly and
compassionately to my children
on a consistent basis, and I often
react to them from a place of
frustration, overwhelm, or anger
instead. My daily meditation
practice has helped to strengthen
my “mindfulness muscle” and
deepen the self-awareness and
self-regulation that I need to par-ent
my kids in a connected and
trauma-informed manner.
For My Self-Care
Connected and trauma-informed
parenting is hard work, and it
can take a toll on one’s health.
Since becoming an adoptive par-ent,
I’ve experienced increased
stress and burnout, chronic
lower back pain, and bouts of
anxiety. I’ve even had a retrig-gering
of my unrelated PTSD
from years ago. My experiences,
which are fairly common, high-light
why connected parenting
experts encourage caregivers to
practice self-care. For me, mind-fulness
is self-care. When I prac-tice
it on a consistent basis, my
well-being improves. I have less
physical pain and fatigue, and I
feel more resilient in the face of
stress and adversity. Mindfulness
also helps me become
more aware of my self-care
needs by help-ing
me better attune
and respond to my
thoughts, feelings, and
bodily signals. Most
importantly, mindful-ness
helps me culti-vate
self-compassion.
My tendency to judge
myself for not living
up to my impossible standards
of parental perfection intensifies
the everyday caregiver stress that
I experience. Learning to bring
compassion to myself lessens
this stress and serves as a neces-sary
form of self-care in itself.
To Model Mindfulness for
My Children
Another reason why I practice
mindfulness is to model it for my
kids. When I’m in a good mind-fulness
groove, I show my kids
what self-regulation, emotional
awareness, and self-compassion
look like in action. These skills
can be difficult for any child to
learn, but they can be especially
challenging to grasp
for children with
trauma histories or
other complex needs.
I also make an effort
to model activities that
help increase mind-fulness.
For example,
my kids have seen
me meditate, practice
yoga, and take breath-ing
breaks through-out
the day. Although I generally
prefer to separate my formal
mindfulness practice from our
family mindfulness activities, I
occasionally encourage my kids
to sit with me for a few minutes
while I meditate. Plus, the more
personal experience I have with
mindfulness, the better I am at
helping them learn to practice it
themselves.
Barbara Ley is a professor at the University of
Delaware and an adoptive mother. You can
contact her at bley@udel.edu or http://face-book.
com/treefrogkidsyoga
This essay fi rst appeared in
Parenting with Connection: The Blog
(www.parentingwithconnection.info). Reprinted
with the author’s permission.
When I’m in a
good mindfulness
groove, I show
my kids what
self-regulation,
emotional
awareness, and
self-compassion
look like in action.
More about Mindfulness
Mindfulness is an evidence-based
approach anyone can use to decrease
stress and build resilience.
In a sense, mindfulness is very sim-ple.
All it involves is “paying attention
in a particular way: on purpose, in
the present moment, and nonjudg-mentally”
(Kabat-Zinn, 1994). It is
about turning off autopilot and awak-ening
to the here and now.
There are many ways to practice
mindfulness. It can be done infor-mally
with practices like those shown
at right. It can also be done through
disciplines such as yoga or tai chi, or
through formal mindfulness-based
intervention programs, such as Mind-fulness-
Based Stress Reduction.
While practicing mindfulness even
for a moment can help you recon-nect
with your mind and body, man-age
stress, and balance emotions, to
reap the most benefi t you will want to
practice mindfulness every day.
Strong Evidence of Benefits
Mindfulness has been studied exten-sively
and is known to have a wide
Practices to Increase
Awareness
• Focusing on the Senses. Sit still
and focus on your senses (sight,
hearing, smell, taste, bodily sen-sations)
without any judgment.
• Eating. Give your food your full
attention. Look at it, smell it, hold
it in your mouth and enjoy its fl a-vours
and textures. Slowly chew
each bite before swallowing.
• Listening. Pay attention when
someone is speaking to you. Do
not interrupt. If your mind begins
to wander, bring your attention
back to listening. When the other
person stops speaking, take a
breath before responding.
Adapted from Benefi ts and Practices
of Mindfulness by Sarah King
(http://bit.ly/2xYCtZb)
variety of benefi ts. For example, it has
been shown to reduce stress, anxiety,
and depression; decrease negative think-ing
and distraction, and improve mood
(Mayo Clinic, 2015). Studies have also
linked consistently practicing mindful-ness
with improved ability to express
oneself in various social situations and
faster recovery after being negatively
provoked (sources cited in APA, 2012).
Mindfulness-based intervention pro-grams
have been shown to be effective
in treating diffi cult and chronic clinical
problems (e.g., chronic pain, mood disor-ders,
substance misuse), as well as physi-cal
problems such as high blood pressure,
irritable bowel syndrome, and insomnia
(Kachan, et al., 2017; NCCIH, 2016).
Want to Learn More?
Here are just a few of the many mindful-ness
resources out there:
• American Psychological Asso-ciation
http://www.apa.org/moni-tor/
2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx
• Mindfulness for Teens. Accessible,
helpful tips for everyone.
http://mindfulnessforteens.com/
10
Writing Contest
When you are feeling down and really struggling,
what (or who) helps you feel better?
We asked young people in foster care, “When you are feeling down and really struggling, what (or who) helps you feel better?“ Here’s what they had to say.
Kids’ Pages By and for Young People in Foster Care Vol. 22, No. 1 • Nov. 2017
Holly, age 18
Whenever I am feeling distraught, I always consult my
brother. My brother shares the same blood that fl ows
through my veins. He and I have been in and out of many
unfortunate circumstances. My brother has been the
only constant in my entire life. He has never abandoned
me or neglected me. Both the mistreatment that I have
faced and the smiling moments that I have had, I have
shared with him. A time that usually has me feeling down
is when the people in the foster homes make me feel
alienated or neglected. I immediately fi nd comfort in [my
brother] because we both typically go through the same
experiences and we can relate to one another. . . . I know
I can rely on my brother to be there for me.
HOLLY RECEIVED $100 FOR TAKING TOP PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
1
What Helps Me When I’m Down
I struggle with being away from
my family. The past three years
have been a roller coaster,
with returning home and then
coming back into foster care.
My previous social worker,
who was my social worker from
the start and recently left DSS,
has been there for me through
everything. We both still keep
in touch. I don’t know what I would have done without her
and all the other social workers who have been involved in
my case.
My mom has gotten her life together and I will be
returning home this summer. My mom has overcome so
much and she has never stopped fi ghting to get me back.
My grandad and uncle and his family have been a huge
encouragement and we have grown closer.
My previous foster families have been a support system
and I keep in touch with most of them when I can.
My current foster family has become part of my family.
My dad and I have reconnected and are building our
relationship.
Foster care has been a huge obstacle to overcome, but the
people I’ve met and the family I’ve been able to reconnect
with has been a positive outcome. Foster care has changed
my understanding of different families and has made me
realize how grateful I am to have a loving biological family
who has overcome addiction to get me back and be a part
of my life. — Brittany, age 17
••••
Certain passages of scripture . . . help me
when I’m struggling or down.
The fi rst is Joshua 1:5. It states, “I will
never leave you nor forsake you.”
The second is Psalms 46:1, which
states, “God is our refuge and strength, a
helper in time of trouble.”
The third is Psalms 28:7, “The Lord is
my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in Him, and I am
helped.”
The last one is Isaiah 40:31. It reads, “Those who trust in
the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings
like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; and will walk
and not faint.”
With these I can have faith and trust in God that He will
lift me up and restore me. — Gabby, age 16
THESE YOUNG PEOPLE RECEIVED $20 FOR HAVING
THEIR ESSAYS PUBLISHED.
My brother has been
the only constant
in my entire life
. . . . Both the
mistreatment that I
have faced and the
smiling moments that
I have had, I have
shared with him.
When I fi rst came
into care, I was
really nervous,
sad, and felt
alone. Now I feel
loved, supported,
and good.
Certain
passages of
scripture
. . . help me
when I’m
struggling.
Kamira, age 12
When I’m feeling down and really struggling, I have lots of
people and ways to make me feel better. . . .
Ms. P. is my counselor at school. I can talk to her about my
problems. . . . She makes me feel happy and special when she
gives me snacks and treats. She also does school work with me
when she pulls me out of class.
Gigi is my foster mom. She helps me when I’m feeling sad.
When I fi rst came to her house, it was hard for me to talk, so we
wrote in our notebook about how I was feeling and my thoughts. Now we don’t need the
notebook because we can talk it out. When I am sad and miss my family, she gives me hugs.
When I am feeling irritated, I go to my room to chill. Music helps me calm down.
When I take walks, I clear my mind and it gives me exercise.
When I fi rst came into foster care, I was really nervous and sad and I felt alone. Now I
feel loved, supported, and good.
KAMIRA RECEIVED $25 FOR TAKING THIRD PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
3
When something hurts
your heart, always
remember you have
a voice and you
can use it.
Stephen, age 11
When I get stressed out, I usually go on a bike ride to the
pond or draw a picture of anything that comes to mind.
And when I was living with my mom, we used to go to
the park or to a friend’s house when I was unhappy about
something. When I need to clear my mind of past things/
or future I meditate. . . .
When something’s on your mind you need to tell some-one
. . . . If you keep it in it will hurt or put pressure on your heart, and that’s not a good
thing to do to your heart. When something hurts your heart, always remember you have
a voice [and] you can use it.
STEPHEN RECEIVED $50 FOR TAKING SECOND PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
2
I am grateful to
have a loving
biological family
who has overcome
addiction to get me
back and be a part
of my life.
11
Building resiliencies in teens
Reflections from a foster care alumna by Angela Quijada
Resilience, to me,
is the ability to con-stantly
and quickly
bounce back in
any situation that
exerts physical,
mental, emotional, or spiritual stress.
All of us are born with some resilience.
Some people build most of theirs as they
grow. They have both a genetic connection to
resilience and life experiences that give them
an opportunity to continue to exercise the
“craft” of bouncing back.
I’m not quite sure if I was born with resil-ience,
but I do know that I have it. There are
many ways to harness and master the art.
Assessing ACEs
One way to understand more about resil-ience
is to find out what your ACE score is.
An ACE assessment is a test that measures
an individual’s adverse childhood experi-ences
(ACEs). (For more on ACEs, see the
box at right.)
After taking the assessment, which ranges
from scores of 1-10, you will be able to under-stand
yourself more and which coping skills
work best for you.
Personally, I had resilience long before
taking the ACE assessment. However, the
assessment helped me to understand myself
better and why I would be or act a certain
way towards others or specific situations.
As a former foster youth, my ACE score
was a 9/10. This was alarming at first. How-ever,
you must remember that information is
a good thing.
Act on What You Learn
Of course, it’s what you do with information
that counts. How can you address something
if you have no idea it exists?
It’s kind of like being oblivious in a toxic
relationship. You have no idea what a healthy
blueprint of a relationship looks like, so you
just endure the high toxicity until you find out
on a show, from a friend, or on the internet
that being yelled at and aggressively shoved
are not signs of a good relationship.
With that information, you can then seek
assistance. In this scenario, couples counsel-ing
or learning how to effectively communi-cate
would be helpful solutions.
Be Honest with Yourself
This leads to the next extremely significant
way one can build resilience: being honest
with yourself. Sometimes it may be hard to
understand or accept the reality of your cur-rent
situation. As a youth who experienced
traumas before, during, and after fos-ter
care, I can say that it was difficult,
at first, to fully acknowledge all of the
events that led up to who I am today.
It’s important to be honest with your-self
every step of the way. You have to
really understand who you are and what
makes you upset, angry, frustrated,
excited, joyous, ecstatic, etc. Honesty
matters because after you recognize and
understand who you are, you can heal.
Patience, Purpose, and Self-Care
Being resilient means being patient with
yourself, persisting even if you don’t get
something right the first time . . . or the
second . . . or the third. Patience helps
you persevere through all obstacles.
Find your purpose. Look deep within
and ask yourself who or what is my
motivation? What’s keeping me going?
Who am I doing it all for?
Remember to always take care of
yourself. Self-care is something anyone
and everyone should learn to obtain.
Things like yoga, reading a book, poetry,
meditation, taking deep breaths, and
creating a garden are a few hobbies that
can get your mind off everything for a
few moments. This will help you reas-sess
what or how you’re thinking about
something and build resilience!
Now, get out there warriors and start
perfecting the art of your own resilience!
Resilience is me.
Resilience is YOU.
Resilience is us.
Angela Quijada is a Regional Assistant for SaySo.
SaySo, Inc. is preparing to celebrate its 20th
birthday on Saturday, March 3, 2018! Location is
yet to be determined. Follow us on Facebook @
saysoinc for updated information.
This yearly event known as “SaySo Saturday.” It
is our largest conference every year and it’s FREE
to youth, young adults who are or have been in
substitute care, and their adult supporters. Since
this is our 20th birthday, this will be a red carpet
event, with the theme Roaring 20’s: Strolling to
Success!
SaySo Saturday is also our annual membership
meeting when the young people break into their
regions and vote for the 2018-19 SaySo Youth
Board of Directors. We all enjoy SaySo Saturday
as it is an alumni reunion, birthday party for the
organization, and celebration for
youth in care who don’t get to cel-ebrate
their birthday!
In 2018, our wonderful youth-led
workshops will teach you how to
create a local chapter with other
powerful youth in your area,
explain how to attend college through our state’s
NC REACH/ETV program, give you a chance to hear
words of encouragement from young people in care,
and more. The day will also include an awesome
resource fair, alumni panel, vendors, door prizes,
food, SaySo Trivia, photo booth, and DJ!
You can learn more by visiting www.saysoinc.org
or contacting Carmelita Coleman (919-384-1457 or
carmelita.coleman@ilrinc.com).
Mark Your Calendar for SaySo Saturday 2018!
More about ACEs
The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study
looked at the following broad types of negative child-hood
experience:
Over 17,000 people who had health insurance com-pleted
a survey about their childhood experiences and
current habits and behaviors. Researchers compared
the number of ACEs (between 0 and 10) each person
reported to their medical health record. (Note: while the
study looked at 10 types of negative childhood experi-ences,
there are many more possible sources of trauma.)
The ACEs study revealed strong links between
adverse childhood experiences and risky behavior,
psychological problems, serious illness, and life expec-tancy.
In fact, on average people with six or more ACEs
died nearly 20 years earlier than those with no ACEs.
Want to know your ACEs score? You can fi nd the
assessment online at http://bit.ly/1W34LaB.
But let’s be clear: an ACE score isn’t a crystal ball.
Assessments of ACEs don’t factor in positive experi-ences
in early life that can help build resilience and
mitigate the effects of trauma. Jack Shonkoff, a direc-tor
of Harvard’s University Center on the Developing
Child, noted in an interview with NPR that, “There are
people with high ACE scores who do remarkably well.”
According to Shonkoff, resilience builds throughout
life. Close relationships are key (Starecheski, 2015).
Image: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, 2013
12
Fostering with resilience
An interview with foster parent Misty Taylor
by Britt Cloudsdale
Misty Taylor and her husband
have been fostering since 2012.
She’s always had a passion for
children, and when she and her
husband had trouble having a
biological child, Misty felt God
was calling them to parent chil-dren
who need them most.
So far, she and her husband
have had a total of 18 placements,
including a pair of brothers they
adopted in 2014. Misty also co-trains
Caring for Children Who
Have Experienced Trauma: A
Workshop for Resource Parents
for both Beaufort County DSS
and Children’s Home Society.
Today, she and her husband
are fostering a sibling group of
three. Misty says that although
fostering definitely has its strug-gles,
it has been one of the best
experiences in her life. In fact,
she wishes she had started fos-tering
sooner.
Inspired by what she and her
husband have accomplished, I
asked her how she bounces back
from challenges and sustains her
passion for fostering. (This inter-view
has been edited for length
and clarity.)
What do you think your biggest
strengths and needs are as a
foster parent? How have those
changed over time?
Our strength is that we give
everything we have to the children
in our home and to our family
as a whole. One of our children
has autism. When he first came
to us, he was not yet diagnosed
and his biological family was
somewhat in denial about some
of his needs. We had to push very
hard for the support he needed,
and that can be hard to do as you
are also learning about this new
child that just came in to your
home.
I think that we do that well: we
know when we need to push, and
we aren’t afraid to speak up.
Our weakness, I think, is that
we feel like we are experienced,
but really no two children are the
same and they each need some-thing
different. I’ve been an edu-cator
for 15 years and a foster
parent for 5 years, and I want to
use what I’ve learned over that
long period of time. But so often,
what you’ve learned is not what
this one child needs: you need to
learn something else.
When a new child comes in
to your home, it changes the
dynamics of your home, too.
You’re always a work in progress,
which can be hard.
So, we still struggle with the
same behaviors that we’ve expe-rienced
over and over, because
each child is engaging in that
behavior for reasons that are
unique to him.
What does being a resilient
foster parent mean to you? What
does that look like?
I think resilience means being
able to accept changes, even the
ones you don’t like, and roll with
the punches as they come. There
will be a lot of things that you
don’t like or agree with that are
happening—for instance in court
or with DSS—but you don’t have
control over it. Accepting that
lack of control is important, as
is identifying what you do have
control over and trying to focus
on that.
It’s also important to be aware
of yourself and how you’re react-ing
to a stressful situation. Your
stress and anxiety is going to be
visible and the children will take
on that stress. Choosing what you
choose to advocate for and what
you choose to let go is important.
You also need to know who to
go to for help or support, so that
when a crisis happens, you’re not
left wondering what to do.
Resilience is something that
can be built and strengthened
in anyone. How have you built
resilience in yourself since you
first became a foster parent?
I built resilience in myself by
realizing I need other people and
I can’t do everything by myself.
Realizing you
need others to help
keep you going is
definitely a form of
resilience. Foster
parents often feel
alone, which can
wear on your abil-ity
to handle crises.
Resilience is letting
other people help
you when they can.
Plus, getting other
people involved in what’s going
on can help you grow as a parent.
Everyone has different strengths
that you can learn from.
When you feel you are losing
your resilience and going to a
“low place,” what do you do to
try to get back on track?
Taking a step back to take care
of myself is really important for
me. Self-awareness matters a lot
with this, too. I try to think about
what I can change (my actions,
my tone of voice, etc.), and not
focus on what is out of my con-trol.
You can only control your-self.
Also, I think that everyone can
be resilient, but sometimes you
need an extra push of confidence
to recognize that you are resil-ient.
That goes back to reaching
out for help and accessing your
supports. Recognizing resilience
in others is easier than seeing it
in yourself.
Can you tell me about a time
in your experience as a foster
parent where you were especially
challenged to maintain your
resilience? How did you make it
through to the other side?
We had a challenging experi-ence
with the family of a child
that was placed with us. We were
struggling with communication,
and the child was being made to
choose between the birth family
and us. We were trying to explain
that we were all on the same side!
Shared parenting is so important,
but it can also be pretty challeng-ing
sometimes where there is a
simmering conflict between you
and the birth family.
I was feeling really worn down
by all this, and I got to the point
where I was asking myself, “Why
am I putting myself and my fam-ily
through this?”
Then I took a step back and
tried to refocus on things I could
control. In this situation, I found
myself focusing on the child and
his resilience, in particular. I
thought about how he had been
put in this really challenging sit-uation,
and he had lived with it
for so long. I felt like if he could
do this, then certainly we as the
adults can figure this out. I drew
from his strength and found my
resilience from that.
Is there anything else you’d like
to say to current or prospective
foster parents to help them grow
their resilience?
Everyone has a bad day some-times.
Try to draw strength from
your good days. You being resil-ient,
modeling resilience, and
teaching resilience can have a
huge impact on these children’s
lives, regardless of how long they
are with you. Everyone can be
resilient, and our children need
to see that in us. Don’t give up!
Britt Cloudsdale is a Program
Consultant with the NC Kids Adoption
and Foster Care Network.
Misty and her husband with their sons on the day
they were adopted in 2014.
13
New legislation will improve North Carolina’s
child welfare system
Overview of the Family and Child Protection and Accountability Act
Governor Roy Cooper
signed House Bill 630 into legislation (S.L.
2017-41) on June 21, 2017, strengthening
North Carolina’s social service system.
Known as Rylan’s Law, the Family and
Child Protection and Accountability Act will
serve as the foundation for changes in how
the North Carolina Division of Social Ser-vices
(NC DSS) and the 100 county depart-ment
of social services offices serve children
and families. The major components of the
law are highlighted below.
Future editions of Fostering Perspectives
will provide updates on changes and achieve-ments
linked to this significant law.
Child Welfare Reform
The bill directs a third-party organization to
evaluate, then develop a new vision and stra-tegic
direction for social services. The plan
will address leadership and governance at
the state and regional levels, improving out-comes
for children and families throughout
social services.
NC DSS will solicit proposals in fall 2017
before selecting a third-party organization
to lead the evaluation. The organization
will submit their preliminary child welfare
reform plan to the General Assembly no later
than Oct. 1, 2018.
House Bill 630 also provides for the cre-ation
of a Child Well-Being Transformation
Council by July 1, 2018. The council will
seek to enhance coordination, collabora-tion,
and communication among the state’s
child-serving agencies. These improvements
are aimed at reducing silos across social ser-vices,
health care, education, juvenile justice,
and other systems.
Regional Supports
The law supports changing how NC DSS
supervises all 100 North Carolina counties.
Today, approximately 125 NC DSS employ-ees
are focused on the child welfare system.
Some specialize in training, policy, interstate
adoption, and prevention and adoption ser-vices.
Others focus on improving service
delivery through quality assurance, fiscal
and program monitoring, technical assis-tance,
and data analysis. While a portion of
these state employees cover specific regions,
not all do. By March 1, 2020 the law will
create regional NC DSS offices that include
regional supervision of counties through the
development of a Working Group that reports
directly to the General Assembly.
In addition to the regional state offices,
there is an option for counties to merge
social services programs or departments.
With 100 independently-operating counties,
some with more than 800 children in foster
care and others less than five, the new legis-lation
gives counties two methods of region-alization
to help improve efficiency and save
on costs effective March 1, 2019. The law
allows counties to regionalize individual ser-vice
components, such as Medicaid eligibil-ity
or LINKS, or consolidate their offices into
one entity to serve families more efficiently.
No matter how regionalization is used to
improve efficiency, there will be a local pres-ence
providing services in every county.
Accountability
Two levels of increased accountability are
outlined in the Family and Child Protec-tion
and Accountability Act. The first is the
development of a Social Services System
Transparency and Wellness Dashboard. The
dashboard will collect information about
child welfare services, adult protective ser-vices,
guardianship, public assistance, and
child support enforcement. It will also likely
include items featured on the Management
Assistance website (http://ssw.unc.edu/ma/),
but be strengthened by other child welfare
reform efforts.
The new law also requires the development
of a more structured process of oversight
between NC DSS and all 100 counties. Today,
there is a state-supervised, county-adminis-tered
system governed by general statutes.
The new legislation requires NC DSS to enter
formal written agreements with each county
and encourages county commissioners to be
involved in the process. The agreements will
outline what happens if a county is deemed
out of compliance.
Other Key Provisions
• Driver License Pilot: House Bill 630
requires NC DSS to tackle the funding
barriers faced by emerging adults as
they try to obtain a driver license. LINKS
funding is the primary mechanism that
helps with this, but the new law allocates
$75,000 in state fiscal years 2017-18 and
2018-19 to pilot a program that would
reimburse caregivers/youth for costs
associated with obtaining driver licenses
if LINKS funding is not available.
• IAFT Licensing Pilot: House Bill 630
requires NC DSS and the state- and Med-icaid-
funded Local Management Entities/
Managed Care Organizations that pro-vide
mental health, intellectual and devel-opmental
disability, and substance use
services to explore employment waivers
for families licensed as Intensive Alterna-tive
Family Treatment (IAFT) homes. This
treatment is a higher level of care than
Therapeutic Foster Care.
• Rylan’s Law/CPS Observation: House Bill
630 requires county child protective ser-vices
social workers to observe/supervise
two visits between children in foster care
and their parents before recommending
to a court that the children and parents
be reunified. These visits must be at least
seven days apart and one hour in duration.
• Foster Home Licensing Timeframes:
House Bill 630 requires NC DSS to grant
or deny new foster home licenses within
three months of application. NC DSS cur-rently
processes licensing applications
well within this timeframe.
• Termination of Parental Right Appeals:
Beginning Jan. 1, 2019, House Bill 630
reduces the period in which termination
of parental rights can be appealed from
180 days to 65 days.
To learn more about the Family and Child
Protection and Accountability Act, go to
http://ncleg.net/EnactedLegislation/Session-
Laws/HTML/2017-2018/SL2017-41.html
North Carolina’s New Foster Care 18 to 21 Program
In another important step, the
North Carolina General Assembly
has extended foster care from 18
to 21 years of age. Through a new
program called “Foster Care 18
to 21,” all youth in foster care in
North Carolina are now entitled
to continued placement until age
21 if they so choose, as long as at
least one of the following are true
of the young person:
• Completing secondary edu-cation
(i.e., high school) or a
program leading to an equiva-lent
credential;
• Enrolled in an institution that
provides postsecondary or
vocational education;
• Participating in a program or
activity designed to promote
employment or remove barri-ers
to employment;
• Employed for at least 80
hours per month; or
• Is incapable of meeting the
educational or employment
requirements due to a medi-cal
condition or disability.
Learn More
To read more about Foster Care 18
to 21, visit http://bit.ly/2yFM43S
or http://unc.live/2fO0gnI.
14
(Nov. 2017)
Sponsors. NC Division of Social Services, SaySo, and the Fam-ily
and Children’s Resource Program, part of the UNC School of
Social Work’s Jordan Institute for Families.
Contact Us. Fostering Perspectives, c/o John McMahon, Family
and Children’s Resource Program, UNC School of Social Work,
CB# 3550, Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550. Email: jdmcmaho@
unc.edu.
Advisory Board. Nancy Carter (Independent Living Resources);
Carmelita Coleman (Independent Living Resources); Britt
Cloudsdale (NC Division of Social Services); Bob DeMarco
(adoptive parent); Kathy Dobbs (NC Division of Social Ser-vices);
Cy Gurney (NC Administrative Offi ce of the Courts);
Jennifer Hull-Rogers (Person County DSS); Trishana Jones (NC
Coalition Against Domestic Violence); Claudia Kearney (Cen-ter
for Family and Community Engagement); Jeanne Preisler
(NC Division of Social Services); Billy Poindexter (Center for
Family and Community Engagement); Linda Sanders (Chatham
County DSS); Rick Zechman (UNC).
Newsletter Staff. John McMahon (Editor)
Mission. Fostering Perspectives exists to promote the profes-sional
development of North Carolina’s child welfare profession-als
and foster, kinship, and adoptive parents and to provide a
forum where the people involved in the child welfare system in
our state can exchange ideas.
Disclaimer. The opinions and beliefs expressed herein are not
necessarily those of the NC Division of Social Services or the
UNC School of Social Work.
Printing Information. The NC Department of Health and
Human Services does not discriminate on the basis of race, color,
national origin, sex, religion, age, or disability in employment
or the provision of services. 10,350 copies printed at a cost of
$972.21, or $0.09 per copy.
Frequency and Distribution. Issues appear every May and
November. Printed copies are sent directly to all NC county DSS
agencies and to all foster parents and child-placing agencies
licensed through the NC Division of Social Services. If you think
you should be receiving a printed copy but are not, please con-tact
us at the address above.
Online. www.fosteringperspectives.org
Subscribe Online. To be notifi ed via email when issues appear
online, go to http://eepurl.com/brPe9b and sign up.
References. See the online version of this issue for references
cited in this issue.
fostering perspectives
A reader asks ...
We’re so overwhelmed, we’re thinking
about giving up our license! Can you help?
We are struggling with a child placed in our house three months ago. The agency
has made some ef ort to support us, but it is not enough. We are completely
overwhelmed and thinking about giving up our license. Help!
It shows great strength to reach out
for help, and I applaud you for that. It
sounds like you’ve made it through three
long and exhausting months, which is a
real accomplishment. It is clear that you
are doing the best you can for this child
as you seek to maintain the placement in
spite of the struggles. North Carolina is
lucky to have you as a foster parent.
It’s important that foster parents know
where to get help when they need it. I’m
glad you’ve reached out to your agency
already, but it sounds like you need more.
Here are some suggestions for ways you
can address this crisis now, and also
recover your strength so that you feel up
to maintaining your license and caring for
young people in foster care in the future.
Respite
Respite is critical to maintaining a healthy
placement. Of course, it’s not always
immediately available, but please, always
tell your agency when you feel you need
temporary respite care. No one can expend
all the mental and emotional energy that
fostering requires without taking occa-sional
breaks.
In addition to allowing time for recharg-ing,
respite can also give you an opportu-nity
to grow your knowledge base so you
are better prepared for the child’s return
to your home. Perhaps a specific training
would help you maintain this placement.
Make a Plan
Sometimes just knowing exactly what
action to take in a crisis can make all the
difference. The next time you feel your
stress level start to rise, what will you do
to relieve that stress in a safe way? If one
intervention doesn’t work, what’s the next
one you will try?
Taking the guess work out of crisis
management can save valuable mental
and emotional energy and make you more
resilient in the moment.
Time Management
Even when you’re not actively in crisis,
there are so many different meetings and
activities to balance as a foster parent.
The simple act of planning your week can
be overwhelming. Last minute additions
can cause the whole schedule to come
crashing down. That’s added stress you
don’t need.
Be sure to advocate for yourself if your
agency or the child’s
agency is putting too
much on your plate,
or if the agency is
not informing you
about important
events until the last
minute.
Also, maybe there
are some items on
your schedule that
aren’t as necessary as
you once thought. Letting go of the unim-portant
things will give you more energy to
manage the things that must get done, and
will mean you are less likely to drop the
ball on something essential.
Informal Supports
Turns out, foster parents are people like
everyone else! It’s important for you to
take time out from the daily grind to get
a coffee with a friend or have your neigh-bors
over for dinner.
Fellow foster parents are an especially
important source of support, as they know
exactly how harrowing this experience can
feel. Use the community that you’ve built
for yourself to help prop you up when you
are feeling low, and ask for help when you
need it. These people can often point you
toward your own strengths and see solu-tions
that you cannot.
Advocate for Yourself
Foster parents often feel they are under a
microscope, afraid to say or do the wrong
thing in their agency’s eyes. These feel-ings
can cause them to not speak up when
things are hard, and to not ask for things
they need. Please be honest and forthright
about what is missing from your sup-ports.
Your words may give some needed
attention to a serious issue that is causing
other foster parents to leave a particular
agency, or causing more placements to
disrupt. You are the expert on your family.
Placement Change as a Last Resort
We all want to do whatever we can to
ensure children have as much stability in
their lives as possible—especially in their
living arrangements. Strengthening and
supporting a child’s current placement is
always preferable to a move.
However, when all supports have been
tried and exhausted, it may be time to
consider a different placement. In the long
It’s clear you’re
doing all you
can for this
child as you
seek to maintain
the placement
in spite of the
struggles. North
Carolina is lucky
to have you as a
foster parent!
term, if you are not able to meet his needs, both you
and the child will suffer. A placement change will
be traumatic, so any movement should be done in
a way that does the least harm possible. To achieve
this, strong communication, planning, and collabo-ration
with your agency are essential.
Response by the NC Division of Social Services. Have a question about
foster care or adoption you’d like answered in “A Reader Asks”? Send it
to us using the contact information in the box at top right.
This gripping fi lm features a diverse cast of adolescents
and young adults who examine the shared and unique
challenges faced, mistakes made, and growth attained
in the struggle to transcend legacies of developmental
trauma. Developed by the National Child Traumatic
Stress Network (NCTSN) specifi cally for youth, you can
fi nd Never Give Up here: www.youtube.com/nctsn
15
Elijah (age 17)
Elijah is a sweet, friendly young man who
has overcome much in his life. He enjoys
carpentry, weight lifting, skateboard-ing,
and basketball. Like most teens, he
also enjoys electronics, particularly video
games. Elijah sees college in his future,
but also wants to continue his carpentry
trade.
Elijah is excited about the prospect of
being adopted by a single- or two-parent
family who will make him feel loved and
included. Elijah wants parent(s) who
will engage in activities with him, whether that be playing basketball
together or cheering him on at a game. He is open to having siblings of
any age. Elijah needs a family who understands the long-term impact
of trauma. He responds well to living in a structured environment with
realistic expectations, and would benefit most from a nurturing family
who can help him develop independent living skills.
Haley (age 16)
Meet Haley! This vibrant, outgoing, and
bold young woman has a great sense of
humor and a loving, caring spirit. She
excels in sports, and especially likes to
play football and basketball. Haley also
likes to listen to music, draw, play board
games, and write poetry. Haley would like
to attend NC A & T for college and work
with young children after graduation.
Haley is nervous about adoption, but
ready for the permanence it will offer. She
would like a family that is “happy and
active,” includes at least one female parent, and is knowledgeable
about childhood trauma, grief, and loss. It is important that Haley
have frequent one-on-one time with the adults in her life. Her for-ever
family must be supportive and engaged in helping her maintain
contact with her siblings, former foster parents, and other important
adults in her life.
Jasmarie (age 11)
Jasmarie is a sweet girl with a great
sense of humor. Those that know her best
describe her as eager to learn, resilient,
friendly, and fearless. Jasmarie loves to
dance and sing, play outside, and play
video games. Generally easygoing, she
likes all sorts of foods, though she does
have a sweet tooth. Jasmarie is in the 4th
grade and is a delight in the classroom. A
past teacher shared, “The enthusiasm she
shows for school, friends, and life in gen-eral
energizes our whole room.”
Jasmarie has been through a great deal and has shown great
strength and resilience. She is eager to be adopted and find her perma-nent
family. Jasmarie needs a family that includes at least one female
parent. A family who speaks Spanish would be ideal. Jasmarie gets
along well with adults and peers, though she would do best in a home
where there are few other children, as she will require a lot of attention
and supervision from her parents. Jasmarie will bring great joy to a
family who understands her needs.
Kayleigh (age 11)
Kayleigh is a brave, creative, and loving child who
has the makings of a great leader. She likes to play
soccer and she loves to ride her bike at the park.
She also loves owls: she likes to draw them and
decorate her belongings with pictures of owls. Kay-leigh
also enjoys reading and doing arts and crafts.
When she grows up, she wants to be famous and
have a big family. Kayleigh is making tremendous
progress in communication and identifying her own
triggers and is blossoming into a bright, thought-ful,
kind young lady.
Kayleigh is eager to be adopted by a family who
will love her unconditionally. She benefits from high levels of structure, stabil-ity,
and consistency. If other children are in the home, they would need to be
older than Kayleigh. Kayleigh does well with positive reinforcement. She needs
a calm family, preferably one that is experienced in de-escalating children who
are experiencing emotional turmoil. Kayleigh deserves a forever family that
will give her the love and care she needs so that she can thrive.
Phalen (age 10)
Phalen is an affectionate, loving, and independent
little boy with a charming smile and infectious per-sonality.
He is very social and loves interacting with
others. Phalen enjoys playing on his iPad, watch-ing
Peppa Pig, and swimming. He is very smart and
learns quickly. Using tablets and other electronic
devices helps him learn.
The ideal family for Phalen should have a flexible
schedule and be able to maintain ongoing appoint-ments
and participate in various types of therapy
to assist him in increasing his mobility and speech.
Phalen would be most successful with caregivers
who are calm, patient, and who have the ability to work with him on developing
his skills. Phalen has a strong bond with his brothers. It will be important for
his adoptive family to facilitate continued visits between the siblings.
Solomon (age 15)
Solomon is an intelligent, loving, and inquisitive
young man with great potential to succeed. Solomon
loves to build things and excels in hands-on learning
environments. He loves games with hands-on com-ponents
to them, and he also enjoys doing arts and
crafts. Solomon wants to be an architect when he
grows up, and all who know him think he is well-suited
for that profession.
Solomon wants to be a part of a family and have
a “normal” childhood. He would like a family in the
Western North Carolina, and he would like to main-tain
contact with his older sister. Solomon does best
in environments with high levels of structure, consistency, and predictability.
A family with therapeutic foster parent experience is preferred. Solomon will
thrive in a family with patience, energy, empathy, compassion, and love.
Help us fi nd families for these children
For more information on these children or adoption in general, call the NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care Network
at 1-877-NCKIDS-1 <www.adoptnckids.org>
November is National Adoption Month!
According to the most recent Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting Sys-tem
report, in the United States over 110,000 children and youth in foster care are
waiting to be adopted. Close to 12,500 of them are between the ages of 15 and 17.
This is one of the reasons that the theme of Adoption Month this year is ”Teens Need
Families, No Matter What.” If you are interested in making a difference in a child’s
life by becoming an adoptive parent, please call the NC Kids Adoption and Foster
Care Network at 1-877-NCKIDS-1 or visit www.adoptnckids.org.
16
Jordan Institute for Families
UNC School of Social Work
Campus Box #3550
Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550
Writing Contest
First Prize: $100 • Second Prize: $50 • Third Prize: $25
If you are under 18 and are or have been in
foster care, please send us a letter or short
essay in response to the following question:
Did you ever have to switch
schools because you were in foster care? What was
that like? What did you or other people do that
made switching schools easier?
DEADLINE: Feb. 6, 2018
E-mail submissions to jdmcmaho@unc.edu or mail them to: Foster-ing
Perspectives, Family & Children’s Resource Program, CB#3550,
UNC School of Social Work, Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550. Include
your name, age, address, and phone number. In addition to receiving
the awards listed above, winners will have their work published in the
next issue. Runners-up may also have their work published, for which
they will also receive an award.
Seeking Other Writing Submissions
Submissions can be on any theme. There is no deadline for non-contest
submissions: submit your work at any time.
Get in-service training credit for
reading this newsletter!
Enjoy Fostering Perspectives and earn credit toward your relicensure.
Just write down the answers to the questions below and present them
to your licensing social worker. If your answers are satisfactory, you’ll
receive 30 minutes of training credit. If you have questions about this
method of gaining in-service training credit, ask your worker.
In-Service Quiz, FP v22 n1
1. Name the four factors that research says make it more likely
children will achieve positive outcomes in the face of adversity.
2. What are “resourced” memories and how do they relate to resilience?
3. According to Brené Brown, what can parents do to teach “shame
resilience” to their children?
4. What can you do to promote positive self-talk in the children you
care for?
5. Megan Holmes says social media can make it harder for young
people to accept and love themselves. What do you do to help the
children in your care use social media in a healthy way?
6. How does the Foster Care Family Act make it easier for young people
in foster care to learn how to drive and obtain a driver license?
7. When is SaySo Saturday in 2018? Name three reasons youth in
foster care should consider attending.
8. Describe a time where you were especially challenged to maintain
your resilience as a foster parent. How did you make it through to
the other side?
9. Which provisions of the Family and Child Protection and
Accountability Act (House Bill 630) do you think will most affect
you and other foster families?
10. What is the theme of National Adoption Month this year?
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fostering perspectives
Readers, Don’t Lose Touch!
Fostering Perspectives will soon go all online—copies
will no longer be printed and mailed out to readers.
Don’t lose touch with us!
To be notifi ed by email when new issues appear
online, go to http://eepurl.com/brPe9b and sign up. !
A new learning site for
North Carolina’s foster
and adoptive parents and
kinship caregivers
The NC Division of Social Services has launched fosteringNC.org, a learning
site for our state’s resource parents. This site features:
• On-Demand Courses. Avail-able
any time, these short, free
courses include a certifi cate of
completion learners can share
with their supervising agencies.
• Webinars. Recorded webinars
on fosteringNC.org address a
range of topics of interest to all
parents and caregivers. Record-ings
vary in length and normally
include handouts. Topics cov-ered
include creating normalcy
for young people in foster care
and treatment for ADHD.
• Videos. Helpful, short videos on top-ics
discussed by experts and those
with lived experiences. Take a few
minutes to learn about issues rele-vant
to those caring for children and
young adults in foster care.
• Resources. The Resources page pro-vides
links to Fostering Perspectives,
NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care
Network, and many other sources of
information and support.
• Answers. The site’s FAQ page answers
questions many resource parents ask.
Foster parents are encouraged to talk in advance to their supervising agency
about obtaining training credit through fosteringNC.org.
Join the fosteringNC.org List
To sign up to receive news
and updates go to:
http://eepurl.com/cEiAYP
Scan this QR code to
go directly to the site