fostering perspectives VIEWS ON FOSTER CARE AND ADOPTION IN NORTH CAROLINA
May 2017 • Vol. 21, No. 2 WWW.FOSTERINGPERSPECTIVES.ORG
Sponsored by the NC Division of Social Services and the Family and Children’s Resource Program
Healthy relationships and young people in foster care
continued next page
The last issue of Fostering Perspectives
talked about what resource parents can do to
promote the physical health of the children in
their care. Physical health is critical, but there
are other dimensions of well-being to think
about, including social and emotional health.
One way to touch on these other facets
of well-being is to focus on healthy rela-tionships.
There are many definitions of a
healthy relationship, but we are partial to the
one Dionna (age 16) provides in this issue:
How we react and carry ourselves matters!
by Jeanne Preisler
“A smile can make all
the difference.”
I bet you have heard
that expression before.
Smiles are powerful.
For most of us, our day
gets a little brighter when someone smiles at
us. You may have even heard that smiles can
be detected over the phone. A study from the
University of Portsmouth demonstrated we
actually can “hear” a smile in a person’s tone
of voice. Smiling is usually the best approach.
Usually, but not always. Imagine you are a
6-year-old girl. A stranger (a social worker)
just removed you from the only home you
have ever known. You are in a strange car.
You’re away from your parents and don’t know
what is happening with them. No one thought
to pack your favorite stuffed animal and you
have no idea how you will fall asleep without it.
You are scared, worried, and numb from
all the chaos that has happened over the last
few days. The car stops in a neighborhood
that looks nothing like yours. The social
worker takes your hand and walks you up to
a house. Your heart is aching for your stuffed
animal so much you can actually hear your
heartbeat. It’s beating fast, which makes you
even more worried.
Knock. Knock. A woman and man open the
door. They’re smiling from ear-to-ear. They’re
so happy to see you, they are beaming!
If you are that 6-year-old girl, what thoughts
and feelings will you have when you see two
strangers with big smiles on their faces—
when your world has just fallen apart?
Matching Our Reactions to the
Child’s Situation
It’s important to match our reactions—even
our facial expressions—to the child’s situa-tion.
A warm, slight smile might be an appro-priate
way to greet our 6-year-old girl, but a
broad, joyous smile is not.
In this article I would like to explore how, as
resource parents and social workers, we can
use our reactions—both to everyday events
and to momentous ones, like reunification or
graduation—to support young people’s social
and emotional well-being.
Our Body Language Is Often Shouting
When social workers started asking young
people specific questions about their trauma
histories, they began to tell us about events
they hadn’t talked about before. Some of these
events had to do with why the child entered
foster care, but many had nothing to do with
child abuse or neglect. They were just scary
things these children had experienced. When
we asked young people why they hadn’t told
us before about these scary events they often
said they didn’t think we could handle it.
Even if we don’t say it out loud, young
people can sense when we are hesitant to
talk about the traumas they have experi-enced.
Whether we are a foster parent, social
worker, or other caregiver, children can read
our body language quite well.
But young people often misinterpret our
trepidation. They may incorrectly think,
What happened to me was really, really
bad. This adult is stressed out enough, tell-ing
my story may send them
Many young people in foster care carry an
invisible suitcase full of negative beliefs about
themselves. Our reactions either confi rm these
beliefs or start the slow process of replacing
them with better, more positive ones.
“Healthy relationships contain trust, loyalty, for-giveness,
laughter, honesty, and unconditional
love.” As a resource parent, your success hinges
in part on your ability to form this kind of bond
with the kids in your care.
From this foundation you can help them main-tain
the links they already have and create new
ones with supportive people and institutions.
These strong connections can buffer children
against many of the risks they face and help them
learn the skills they need to succeed in life.
Of course, relationship building isn’t
always easy. It can take patience, persis-tence,
and the courage to have uncom-fortable
conversations. It calls for an
ongoing commitment to learning any-thing
that might help your child. Like
many of the best things in life, relation-ships
are a journey, not a destination.
We hope the information, advice, and
encouragement you find in these pages
will be useful to you along the way.
2
How we react and carry ourselves matters! from previous page
over the edge. I better not share what hap-pened.
They haven’t heard stories as bad as
mine before.
Of course, this is not what we are think-ing.
We are just worried we’ll mess up some-how,
that we are not “qualified” or “prepared
enough” to have a conversation about bad expe-riences.
It would be easier to leave the difficult
conversations up to a licensed professional.
Plus, haven’t we heard a million times that a
young person does not want to tell their story
over and over? But avoiding difficult conver-sations
does not support the young person’s
social and emotional healing. In fact, avoid-ing,
evading, or skirting around tough topics
can exacerbate the challenges the child may be
experiencing.
How we react and carry ourselves should
always convey this message: No matter what
has happened to you, I am here to talk about
it when you want to. You do not need to carry
this scary thing all alone. There is nothing
you can tell me that I cannot handle.
Repack Your Child’s “Suitcase”
Many of our young people carry an invisible
suitcase full of negative beliefs about them-selves.
Beliefs like: I am not lovable. I will
never be good enough. I am dumb. I am ugly.
I am always disappointing people. What hap-pened
to me was my fault. I can never get
anything right. I am just stupid. Far too often,
these beliefs have been deliberately instilled in
them by others.
Your reactions either confirm the beliefs in
their suitcase or start the slow process of replac-ing
them with better, more positive beliefs.
What might repacking a child’s suitcase look
like in the real world? Let’s answer this ques-tion
by considering some common situations.
At right are three columns: (1) a well-intended
parental reaction to an issue; (2) what a young
person might think after the parent’s reac-tion;
(3) an alternative approach that a parent
could take. This third approach addresses the
issue, but also tries to erode negative beliefs
the young person may have about themselves
and give them hope for the future.
Many young people are not consciously
aware of their negative thoughts and beliefs.
Your reactions and the messages you send can
help children gradually become more aware
of their negative self-talk. The more healing
that happens, the more the young person
will be able to discern for themselves which
beliefs they should discard because they are
untrue.
Until then, we need to use “universal pre-cautions.”
We need to assume that every young
person is carrying an invisible suitcase full
of negative beliefs about themselves and the
world, and that negative self-talk is happening
Initial
Parental Approach
Young Person
May Think
Alternative
Parental Approach
“Something came up at
work and I can’t pick you
up after practice. But I spoke
to Mike’s mom and she is
going to drive you home,
OK? I should be home by
7 p.m. and we can eat dinner
together then.”
It’s starting again. He doesn’t
really care about me. He
is probably just going out
for drinks with people from
work. I can’t count on him.
I can’t count on anyone but
myself.
“I want you to always feel you can count
on me to be there for you. I want that
more than anything because you are
important to me. But, something came
up at work and I need to stay late. This
means we should decide together how
best to get you home from practice. What
do you think is a good plan? What would
you like to do together after I get home?”
“Please chew with your
mouth closed. I have asked
you so many times. It is
really unappealing and I
don’t want you grossing out
your friends or teachers.”
I can’t change everything all
at once. I’ll never fi t in here.
I’ll never be what you want
me to be. I should just leave
now before you kick me out.
“I know we’ve talked before about you
chewing with your mouth closed. It must
be really hard to change something you
have done for so long. You have an awe-some
future ahead and I think this could
help you along the way. Can you think
of anything we could do together to help
you break this habit?”
“Please stop playing so
rough with the dog. When
his ears go back, that means
he is not enjoying it. I don’t
want the dog to get hurt or to
bite you.”
You care more about the
dog than you do about me.
Even dogs are move lov-able
than me. No one will
ever love me. I hope the dog
bites me and then maybe my
social worker will just move
me from this house. I don’t
like dogs anyway.
“I see you are playing rougher than usual
with the dog. That is not safe for you or
the dog. I love you both, and I don’t want
anything bad to happen to either of you.
Did something happen today to make
you upset or worried?”
“I know you can do better
in school. You are just not
applying yourself. You are
smarter than this.”
I am not smart. I am dumb.
I am trying and I just don’t
understand this stuff, and I
never will.
“School seems to be a real struggle for
you right now. I believe in you. You have
a great future ahead of you. We can get
through this together. How can I help?”
“I’m excited you’ll be living
with your family again. I
know you missed them a lot
while you stayed with us.
But I will also really miss
you.”
I want to go home, so why
am I so scared? I bet you are
just happy to get rid of me. I
doubt you’ll miss me at all.
I’m nothing. Why would you
miss me?
“This is a big day. I bet you have a ton of
different feelings happening all at once.
I am so happy I got to know you. The
real you. You are so special. Your mom
and I talked and I really want to remain
in your life however you would like me
to. We could write, or call, or Facetime,
or you can even come spend the night if
you like. I’m sure it will be an adjustment
moving back home, but you got through
the adjustment of living with us, and that
was probably even scarier. You’ve got
this. I know you can do it. You have great
things in your future.”
inside their heads whether they can articu-late
it or not.
We must each do our best to reinforce
positive beliefs during every interaction with
our children. Luckily, there is a pretty easy
framework we can use. Just keep in mind
three words: safe, capable, and lovable. If
you can help a young person feel safe, capa-ble,
and lovable during your interactions,
you can improve their social and emotional
well-being. And you will probably make them
smile more, too! And, as we know, that can
make all the difference.
Jeanne Preisler, a Program Consultant with the NC Divi-sion
of Social Services, is leading an effort to help our
child-serving system become more trauma-informed.
3
A trauma-informed approach–and self-care–can
make a big difference for resource parents by Bob DeMarco
When we were completing our
home study and identifying
the characteristics the child we would foster
would have, we were thinking about a child
with physical disabilities. My wife is a physi-cal
therapist specializing in pediatrics, so it
seemed like a natural fit. We wanted to help
a child or children who would otherwise not
have a chance at a family. At the time we
didn’t know what we were opening ourselves
up to or how much it would impact our com-fortable
world. We soon got a crash course in
Childhood Trauma 101.
Our Crash Course Begins
For the first few months our kids were in our
home, we were confused, exhausted, frus-trated,
and overwhelmed. We weren’t used to
kids acting the way these kids were: refusing
to do simple things; speaking disrespectfully;
having temper tantrums at 5 and 7 years old;
acting wild and aggressive; being unsafe; and
doing everything possible to create chaos.
By our son’s second day of the school,
the principal assigned him to “homebound
status,” which meant he could not go to the
school for several weeks. When he did go
back, he would attempt to run away when
my wife dropped him off in the morning. My
daughter spent more time acting like a cat
than a human. It was surreal.
We were in way over our heads. Not know-ing
any better, we tried to meet the behavior
with discipline (time outs and taking away
privileges), but these kids had survived far
worse. The more we tried to tighten our con-trol,
the more they amped up the behaviors.
We read parenting books, sought the coun-cil
of friends with kids of the same age, and
spent a lot of time in prayer.
Light Dawns
It wasn’t until someone gave us a copy of The
Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis, that we
found someone who truly seemed to “get” our
kids. In her book, Dr. Purvis described our
kids’ behavior to a “T” and it was there that
we discovered the impact trauma has on the
developing child. Her research had shown that
the brains of kids from “hard places” (as she
called them) were different from other chil-dren.
We learned about brain chemistry and
the effects of too much adrenaline coursing
through the body for too long. Our kids were
clearly in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. They
literally thought their lives were in jeopardy.
We read everything we could find about
childhood trauma. In the works of Karen
Purvis, David Cross, and others we found
great insights into traumatized children and
how to respond effectively to their behaviors.
Seeing with a Trauma Lens
About the same time we took a free
class offered by the Center for Child
and Family Health (https://www.ccf-hnc.
org/) called Caring for Children
Who Have Experienced Trauma
(http://bit.ly/2nwkuDK). There we
learned to look at our children’s
behavior through a “trauma lens.”
This transformed our parenting
and took us from a place of hope-lessness
to a place of hope.
Using a trauma lens is looking at a
child’s behaviors in light of the trauma
they’ve endured and seeing what underlying
thoughts, fears, feelings, beliefs, or memories
might be driving the behaviors. Seen through
the trauma lens, a child who behaves in a
way that is stubborn, disrespectful, and con-niving
may be revealed as a child who is fear-ful,
resilient, courageous, and resourceful.
Don’t get me wrong: my wife and I haven’t
changed our definition of acceptable behav-ior.
But viewing my child in this way helps
shift my perspective. I see myself not as
someone dealing with a difficult child, but as
someone partnering with a child who strug-gles
with difficult behaviors. Instead of bat-tling
my child, the trauma lens allows me to
come alongside my child so that together we
can battle the demons that haunt him.
The trauma lens also helps me take things
less personally. I understand my child is not
attacking me because he hates me—even if
that’s what he says. Rather, he may be protect-ing
himself from getting too attached or direct-ing
at me the anger he feels at his birth parents.
Seeing my kids through the trauma lens helps
me to look past behaviors, use them as clues,
and ask “What does my child need?”
Let me be clear, this is really tough stuff
and requires commitment, patience, and
unconditional love. It can be immensely dif-ficult
to see little Johnny as a hurting boy
when you find he destroyed the walls in
his bedroom because he was mad, or to be
empathetic with little Suzie’s plight when you
find out that she dipped your toothbrush in
the toilet…yesterday. Even if you aren’t deal-ing
with behaviors as extreme as these, it can
be very difficult to find the real need driving
your child’s behaviors.
Prioritizing Self-Care
This is a good place to talk about the essen-tial
discipline of self-care. Helping a trau-matized
child heal is exhausting and takes
a long time; it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Unless you selflessly find and do whatever
it is that helps you recharge your batteries,
you too might become a casualty
of your child’s trauma history.
On airplanes passengers are
always advised that there may be
a need to use an oxygen mask.
Should that occur, we’re told,
we must put on our own oxygen
mask before helping others. Why?
Because you can’t help someone
else if you’re dead!
Resource parents can get into
trouble if we aren’t intentional
about caring for ourselves. We can experi-ence
secondary trauma, emotional exhaus-tion,
marital disharmony, guilt over the
impact to our birth children, difficulties at
work, or a host of other maladies. If we don’t
take the time to intentionally unwind outside
the chaos, we can be overcome by it.
This nearly happened to us. After four years
of trauma-informed parenting, my wife and I
were struggling. We had different ideas about
how to respond to our children, and learning
new ways to help them seemed like the only
thing we had in common. Our communication
was reduced to difficult topics or the busi-ness
of running our household. There was no
relaxation, joy, or laughter. We were sinking.
Fortunately, our faith held us together and we
have others in our lives (a.k.a. a support sys-tem)
who helped us see we were in trouble
and needed to make changes.
If you’re a resource parent, your child has
experienced maltreatment and lost their
birth family. This will impact them through-out
their development. Looking at that
impact through a trauma lens will help you
help your child. Looking through the trauma
lens with well-rested eyes, a clear head, and a
long fuse will help you help them more effec-tively
and with greater endurance.
For us, self-care involves ballroom dancing
lessons once a week. It is far more enjoyable
than I expected! I take my wife in my arms, we
look into each other’s eyes, we move in uni-son
in the same direction, we laugh when we
mess up. We follow up with coffee at a local
cafe where under no circumstances do we talk
about the children or family business. It all
lasts only two hours, but we’ve disconnected
from the difficult and connected with each
other in an enjoyable way.
The impact on our home is palpable.
There’s less strife. We smile more. We’re affec-tionate,
more of a team, and more patient
with the kids and each other. In short, we
have a healthier, happier home and are bet-ter
equipped to take on whatever gets dished
our way as trauma-informed parents.
Bob DeMarco is an adoptive parent in North Carolina.
The trauma
lens idea
transformed
our parenting
and took us
from a place of
hopelessness
to a place of
hope.
4
Protecting youth in care from dating violence by Claudia Kearney
It is not talked about much, but
teen dating violence is extremely
common. Nearly 1.5 million high
school students a year are physically abused
by a dating partner. The violence is not always
physical—it can also be sexual or emotional.
Statistics show that one in three adolescents
is a victim of physical, sexual, or emotional
violence in a dating relationship.
These, of course, are just the reported
cases. Acts of dating violence go unreported
every day. Some victims do not want to lose
the relationship with their partner or get the
person in trouble. Others worry about los-ing
friends, appearing weak, or developing a
reputation as a “snitch.” Any of these labels
can make school life extremely hard.
Dating Violence Thrives in Secrecy
What can we do to help teens with a concern
this complex but as common as acne?
Talk about it! Teen dating violence, like
with domestic violence, thrives in secrecy. It
continues because no one knows it is hap-pening,
or because the few who do know are
not talking. People often wait for the victim to
ask for help, or they offer help once and if the
victim refuses, they never ask again.
What should you do if you think your teen
is experiencing violence in a dating relation-ship?
One approach is to begin with general
questions about what a healthy relationship
looks like. This is a non-threatening way to get
a conversation started if you see one or more
of the signs in box at right. Be forewarned:
these conversations are not always easy. How-ever,
you can do this!
Start the conversation by asking questions
such as: Describe an ideal partner... What
makes that person ideal? Now describe your
partner… How is your partner different from
your ideal partner? Is there a couple that you
admire? What do you admire about them?
For teens who have experienced trauma
these questions may be challenging. Vulner-ability
is very scary to a traumatized teen. It
may bring up feelings they have suppressed
or ignored. Consciously or not, they may try
to protect themselves by disguising their fear
with anger or defiance. Be patient.
Many young people in foster care want
to be seen as strong and capable of making
good choices. Admitting a partner has been
violent is admitting they made a poor choice.
Like adult victims in unhealthy relation-ships,
youth may believe they can “handle it”
and their partner will go back to being the
wonderful person they were at first.
What Can Resource Parents Do?
Here are some ideas for talking with your
teenager about dating violence.
Be aware of your own feelings about
domestic violence. Often people think they
can hide their feelings about teen dating or
domestic violence. Although you may be able
to filter what you say, if you have not dealt
with your feelings your body language may
send a different message.
Make time for the conversation. Your
child needs your full attention. This is not a
10-minute talk or one where others are pres-ent.
As you know, even if someone else in
the room appears not to be paying attention,
they can be listening to every word.
Study up. Although you cannot know
everything, you want to enter into this con-versation
with a basic understanding of the
dangers, dynamics, and common excuses
used to dismiss teen dating violence. Educat-ing
yourself will help you help your teen and
provide culturally appropriate resources.
Be ready to hear “Everything is great.”
If your child tells you “Everything is great!”
continue the conversation. Ask:
– Tell me about an interaction you had
with your partner that was not great.
– How did you feel at that time?
– What did you and your partner do to
resolve the situation?
Even if your teenager does not answer you,
they have had a chance to think about the
questions you ask. You know your child best:
craft the follow-up questions in whatever way
you need to keep the conversation going. You
will know when to stop.
Have resources ready for your child to
review or if they feel they want help. Not all
agencies are the same. It is very important
that the resources you provide are culturally
appropriate to your teenager.
Must I Really Have This Talk?
One of the most common questions about
teenage dating violence is: Why do we have
to talk with them? Teenagers are not going
to tell us anything!
They may not tell us anything, but they will
have heard us. We need them to hear us so
they do not try to go it alone. The Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention reports that
teens who experience dating violence are at a
much higher risk for a variety of serious prob-lems,
including using marijuana or cocaine,
getting into fights, carrying a weapon, having
sex, and having sex with multiple partners.
Teens who experience dating violence are
also twice as likely to consider suicide. And
the increased risk for these problems does
not magically end when teens become adults.
Resources
Fortunately, there is help for you and your
teenager. In your county, a domestic violence
agency can point you in the right direction
for resources. If you need help locating this
agency in your community, visit the NC Coali-tion
Against Domestic Violence at www.
nccadv.org. Even if you are not at the point
where you need help, nccadv.org is a great
place to gather information to talk about with
your teen. Other sites worth a look include:
• Love is Respect (loveisrespect.org) pro-vides
info. on teen dating violence. Call
866/331-9474 (TTY 866/331-8653) with
questions or for information. Anyone
uncomfortable talking or unable to talk
can text: loveis to 22522.
• Survivor to Survivor (survivortosurvivor.org)
• National Network to End Domestic Vio-lence
(nnedv.org)
• National Coalition Against Domestic Vio-lence
(ncadv.org). They also have a hot-line
staffed 24/7; just call 800/799-SAFE.
Claudia Kearney is a trainer for the Center for Family
and Community Engagement at NC State University.
Early Warning Signs of Teen Dating Violence
Researchers who study teen dating violence have identifi ed several early warning signs that a dating rela-tionship
might be likely to turn violent. These warning signs do not mean a relationship will defi nitely turn
violent. However, if you notice several of them in your relationship or partner, you may need to re-evaluate
your dating relationship. These warning signs include:
• Excessive jealousy
• Constant checking in with you or making you
check in with him or her
• Attempts to isolate you from friends and family
• Insults or puts down people you care about
• Is too serious about the relationship too quickly
• Has had a lot of bad prior relationships - and
blames all problems on the previous partners
• Is very controlling; this may include giving you
orders, telling you what to wear, or trying to
make all decisions for you
• Blames you when they treat you badly by telling
you all the ways you provoked them
• Does not take responsibility for own actions
• Has an explosive temper (“blows up” a lot)
• Pressures you into sexual activity with which
you are not comfortable
• Has a history of fi ghting, hurting animals, or
brags about mistreating other people
• Believes strongly in stereotypical gender roles
for males and females
• You worry about how your partner will react to
the things you say or you are afraid of provoking
your partner
• Owns or uses weapons
• Refuses to let you end the relationship
Source: McGhee, 2015
5
Youth in care say self-care supports healthy relationships
by Megan Holmes
SaySo Saturday
SaySo Saturday is an annual youth confer-ence
that provides youth who are or have
been in substitute care in NC a chance to
network with other youth in care and partici-pate
in essential life skill workshops. We also
draw names for door prizes and elect SaySo’s
next Youth Board of Directors. SaySo Satur-day
is held every year on the fi rst Saturday
of March.
Other Annual SaySo Events
It’s My Transition. A one-day seminar for
youths 16+ years of age. Three are held
annually. Each seminar focuses on two of the
seven LINKS outcomes.
To have healthy relation-ships
with others, one must
first have a healthy relation-ship
with oneself. For this,
safe, enjoyable practices for
maintaining mental, physical, emotional,
and spiritual health are needed. The right
self-care practices can be the key to creating
an environment where healthy relationships
can flourish.
Self-Care
Self-care means recognizing when it is time to
step away from personal and or professional
relationships and responsibilities to provide
care for oneself in some way (e.g., meditation,
therapy, time alone, etc.). Recharging helps
one maintain the dignity of the relationship.
Self-care can take many forms. For one
person it may be writing. For another it could
be music, or reading a book in the park.
What matters is that people take time to do
something they enjoy or helps improve their
focus, productivity, and relationships.
What Do Youth Think?
What do young people in foster care in North
Carolina think about the connection between
self-care and healthy relationships? To find
out, I spoke with youth in care and foster
care alumni from different parts of the state
at an event called SaySo Saturday. (For more
on SaySo Saturday, see box below.)
Interviewees were first asked what “self-care”
meant to them. One defined self-care
as having people that care about you and
want to be present in your life, and who want
to help you as you grow throughout life. For
this young person, self-care is different from
the definition provided above, and clearly
involves help from others. Another young
person I spoke with defined self-care as when
you are your own provider in safety, health,
and hygiene.
What do youth in foster care do to take care
of themselves? One young person shared
that when she gets angry, she finds it helpful
to step outside and regain her thoughts. For
her, fresh air and scenery help her regroup.
Another respondent noted that one way of
practicing self-care is to have healthy eating
habits and exercise regularly. This makes
sense—healthy eating habits and regular
activity increases a person’s overall health
and well-being, which then allows a greater
chance for them to establish and maintain
healthy relationships.
Another interviewee pointed out that self-care
is also about the things we choose not
to do. He said that he is mindful to not place
himself in situations that he should not be in,
such as dangerous environments. It is great to
see these youth establishing self-care practices
that will help them grow into strong adults.
The young persons I interviewed see a
clear connection between self-care and
healthy relationships. One shared their belief
that both self-care and healthy relationships
“help the other individual and help you
become a better person.” Another agreed,
pointing out that “If you don’t have proper
hygiene, it can be harmful for intimate rela-tionships
by transferring various illnesses
to the other person, which would be incon-siderate.”
This respondent mentioned a dif-ferent
aspect of healthy relationships that is
extremely important. Good hygiene is a self-care
practice that will increase the young per-son’s
long-term health.
Conclusion
Conversations with youth in care reveal that
self-care is not as simple as we think it is. It
has many faces and many lasting effects on
all involved. If you are currently experiencing
life in any way (employment, caring for fam-ily,
etc.), you are strongly encouraged to find
time to care for you so you can perform at
your best in all you do. Don’t forget, you can’t
help others if you aren’t first helping yourself.
Megan Holmes is a foster care alumna and recent
graduate of NC Central University, where she earned a
BSW degree with a minor in Spanish.
A Foster Care Alumna’s Thoughts on Self-Care
by Shanita Didly-Goings
lets for my negative energy—far
better than moping around and
closing myself off from people.
Some other methods that work
for me include exercising, going
out with friends or family, eating
right, listening to music, and going
to my favorite place and just chill-ing.
There are many ways to take
care of yourself. The only question
is what fi ts best for the individual.
Sadly, children in my predica-ment
have not been properly taken
care of by anyone. This leads to
our overall ignorance about taking
care of ourselves. Self-care to me
is about maintaining a healthy bal-ance
between one’s body, mind,
soul, emotions, and our relation-ships
with others.
We are not perfect, of course.
Sometimes even when I use all my
self-care methods I’ll still be upset,
or sad, or restless. This is a part of
life. There is no foolproof plan to a
better life. These are just tactics to
make the journey a little less dra-matic
and tiring.
We should be getting our youth
involved in their self-care early on
in life. In my opinion this would
help stop the abuse cycle and years
of stereotypical statistics, particu-larly
in African American youth.
We should teach and raise stable,
sound children so they grow up to
be strong and supportive resources
to draw from as alumni.
Relief coursed through me
when, at age 12, my siblings
and I were taken from our
uncle. But relief quickly turned
to weariness as 11 years of
abuse started to catch up to
me. Then we had fi ve years of
trauma due to our separation
in the system.
I ended up developing some
pretty bad self-care habits. Way
into my young adult years I
was hurting myself just to cope
with my anger and day-to-day
issues. Fortunately, I was able
to surround myself with the
right role models and slowly
overcame those bad habits. I
learned that when I am angry
I should use words to convey
that, not violence. I realized
when I am sad, writing, draw-ing
and reading are great out-
LINK-Up Youth Conference.
This one-day life skills confer-ence
is for youths ages 13-16.
Workshops and games are
facilitated by SaySo’s Board of
Directors and adult supporters.
Conferences are usually held in
January and August each year.
SaySo Survivor. This is a weekend leadership
retreat that allows SaySo members to explore
their resiliencies and move from surviving to
thriving.
To learn more about these and other SaySo activities
please contact SaySo (800/820-0001; Email: sayso@
ilrinc.com; Web: www.saysoinc.org).
SaySo: Strong Able Youth Speaking Out
There are many ways to take care of
yourself. The only question is what
works for you.
6
Fighting human traffi cking in North Carolina by Kiricka Yarbough Smith
Human trafficking is one of the fastest grow-ing
crimes in our country, and it’s on the rise.
It is happening right now in North Carolina.
There are two kinds of human trafficking.
Sex trafficking is recruiting, harboring,
transporting, providing, or obtaining a per-son
for a commercial sex act that is induced
by force, fraud, or coercion. When the victim
is under age 18, no force, fraud, or coercion
is necessary. In other words, minors involved
in sex trafficking are always victims regard-less
of their knowledge of or agreement to
commercial sex acts.
Labor trafficking is recruiting, harbor-ing,
transporting, providing, or obtaining a
person for labor or services, through the use
of force, fraud, or coercion for the purpose of
subjection to involuntary servitude, peonage,
debt bondage, or slavery.
Human trafficking is the second most prof-itable
industry in the world, worth $150 bil-lion
annually. Millions of men, women, and
children are trafficked every year. The Interna-tional
Labour Organization estimates there are
21 million human trafficking victims globally.
Youth Most at Risk
Traffickers target the vulnerable. This can
include young people with a history of sexual
abuse, dating violence, low self-esteem, or
minimal social support.
Runaways and homeless youth are par-ticularly
endangered. One in three runaways
who end up homeless are approached by a
trafficker in the first 48 hours. Youth who
identify as LGBTQ are also at risk because
they are more likely to face discrimination
and homelessness.
Youth involved with child welfare are also
vulnerable. They often lack a strong family
foundation, which teaches a healthy model of
love and trust. This creates an opening for
traffickers to exploit.
Traffickers
A trafficker can be anyone who has influence
over a minor—a friend, boyfriend, parent,
brother, cousin, counselor, teacher, coach,
or even a peer. Traffickers are not always
involved in organized crime or gangs. They
can be any age, gender, or race.
Traffickers exploit their victims by pos-ing
as friends or lovers, and even take on the
role of surrogate family. Many initially shower
their victims with material items and offers
of protection. Then, once they have victims’
trust, traffickers exploit them. Traffickers use
violence and blackmail to keep victims under
their control and to shame them. Because of
the manipulation, victims often lose all feel-ings
of hope and self-worth. Even if there is a
chance to escape, the psychological chains traf-fickers
use often keep victims from leaving.
Recognizing Victims
Trafficking victims often try to avoid identi-fication,
so it helps to know the signs. The
following are possible indications:
• Distrusts law enforcement
• Avoids eye contact
• Lacks medical care or is denied medical
services by trafficker
• Appears malnourished or shows signs of
abuse, physical restraint, confinement,
torture, or branding
• Has a lack of control, has few or no per-sonal
possessions, is not in control of his/
her own money, financial records, identi-fication
documents, and/or is not allowed
to speak for themselves
• Has numerous inconsistencies in his/
her story, no sense of time, doesn’t know
what city they are in
• Poor mental and/or physical health, such as
fear, anxiety, depression, paranoid behavior
If you see these signs further inquiry may be
warranted. If you suspect trafficking is tak-ing
place, contact the National Human Traf-ficking
Resource Center (888/373-7888) or
text “BEFREE.”
Project C.O.P.E.
At the NC Council for Women and Youth
Involvement, we believe that through collabo-ration,
outreach, protection and education,
we can improve and expand mentoring ser-vices
for those at risk of sexual exploitation.
In 2015, we were awarded a grant from the
NC Governor’s Crime Commission to fund
Project C.O.P.E. (Collaboration, Outreach,
Protection, and Education). The four pri-mary
goals of Project C.O.P.E. are to:
• Increase awareness about the risks of
commercial sexual exploitation
• Promote resources and services available
for children at risk of exploitation
• Strengthen existing academic, extracur-ricular,
and mentoring programs to serve
youth more effectively
• Strengthen protective factors among pre-viously
exploited children and youth
Project C.O.P.E. provides trainings for school
personnel, students, and parents on how
to prevent trafficking in their community. It
is important for parents and caregivers to
teach children about healthy relationships
and personal boundaries. Parents should
be aware of their child’s friends and other
relationships because traffickers often try to
build friendly relationships with victims to
gain their trust prior to recruiting them.
Since human trafficking is increasingly
happening through technology, parents
should establish guidelines for and moni-tor
the use of internet and social media. It’s
important to create a space where young peo-ple
feel comfortable coming to their parents
about situations that make them feel uncom-fortable
or exploited. Community involve-ment
and awareness is a critical part of the
fight against human trafficking.
For more information, please visit www.
councilforwomen.nc.gov or contact Project
C.O.P.E.’s Kiricka Yarbough Smith (919-733-
2455; Kiricka.yarbough.smith@doa.nc.gov).
7
Youth in foster care are vulnerable to exploitation
An excerpt from Withelma “T” Ortiz Walker Pettigrew’s testimony before Congress
On October 23, 2013,
foster care alumna and
human trafficking survivor Withelma “T”
Ortiz Walker Pettigrew testified before the
U.S. House of Representatives’ Committee
on Ways and Means as part of a hearing on
preventing and addressing sex trafficking
of youth in foster care. The following is an
excerpt of her testimony. Her full remarks,
as well as the transcript of the full hearing,
can be found at http://bit.ly/2osx7lg.
* * * *
I was a youth who grew up in foster care
for pretty much the first 18 years of my life.
Throughout that time, from the ages of 10 to
17, I was a victim of sexual exploitation and
trafficking . . . .
I am here to tell you why I and other youth
in foster care are rendered more vulnerable
to be sexually trafficked. So, first of all, we
accept and normalize being used as an object
for financial gain. . . . As we all know, there
is money provided to caregivers by the agen-cies
to provide and serve the youth. Often,
this money is used by caregivers for their
personal use or the use of their families or
biological children. . . . so what we began
to do as the youth in care is normalize and
accept that our purpose is of being a finan-cial
benefit of others. And so, because of this,
it makes it harder for a youth and even for
myself in my story to have seen the difference
in bringing in finances into the foster home
or of bringing money to an exploiter and their
stable. (Editor’s note: a “stable” is a group of
victims under the control of a single pimp.)
So foster care normalizes that other people
are supposed to control our lives
and circumstances. Multiple roles,
such as public defenders and
social workers, come in and fluctu-ate
in and out of youths’ lives, most
of whom are strangers to them.
These are the people who dictate
what happens in their lives where
they live, what school they go to,
and what decisions will be made
for them socially. Foster care cre-ates
an ever changing environment of youth
having to adapt to strangers making life deci-sions,
and this is conducive to the parallel
process of exploiters who seek to keep con-trol
of a youth’s life.
We also lack opportunities to gain mean-ingful
relationships and positive attach-ments.
How this plays out for others and for
myself, opportunities to build these skills,
such as problem solving or for what it means
to reconcile after an argument, are denied,
and instead we are just moved to another
placement. For myself, as unfortunate as it
is to say, due to the over 14 plus placements
I have endured, the most consistent relation-ship
that I ever had while in care was that of
my pimp and his “family” . . . .
In care, we become accustomed to being
isolated, much like the victims of domestic
violence. By adapting to multiple moves from
home to home, this allows us to easily adapt
when traffickers move us multiple times from
hotel to hotel, city to city, and/or State to State.
And these exploiters go without fear of
punishment due to the lack of attention when
young people from this population go missing.
No one looks for us. I really want
to make this clear: no one looks
for us. No one keeps us on their
radar. The system just makes no
effort. There are no AMBER alerts,
no posters when youths from the
foster care system go missing. And,
oftentimes, group homes will avoid
reporting youth missing due to
interrupting payment.
And . . . it is always assumed
that we have willingly run away. Many times,
that is not the case. Many times, we are kid-napped
or other circumstances. This the
exploiters use to their advantage. The life
instability of foster care makes it easier for
exploiters to hide their involvement, which
continues to perpetuate our population’s vul-nerability.
I believe child welfare agencies should be
working with local programs which support
and provide resources to youth who have
been sexually exploited to enhance their . . .
transition into a healthier lifestyle. They also
can learn ways to identify these youth. For
myself in care, there was many times that I
had many absences and people knew I was
absent . . . those were red flags that should
have been paid attention to.
Today Ms. Pettigrew is a policy consultant, trainer, and
moderator.
The most
consistent
relationship
that I ever had
while in care
was that of my
pimp and his
“family.”
Tips for Caring for a Trafficking Victim
Caring for young people who have
survived sex or labor traffi cking is
new territory for most resource par-ents.
Here are some tips adapted from
the Ohio Child Welfare Training Pro-gram
(2014) to get you started.
Learn all you can about human traf-fi
cking, its impact, and how to help
children who have experienced it.
Find a real live support person. Help-ing
a victim is easier if you have some-one
experienced you can turn to for
insight and advice. Work with your
licensing worker and/or the child’s
social worker to fi nd the right person.
Think physical safety. Consider the
following with your social worker:
• Youth may try to reconnect with
traffi ckers. Explain to youth why
this is a bad idea. At the same time,
it may be necessary to restrict visi-tors
and monitor calls and electronic
communications (texts, etc.).
• Contact with children's families. NC
strongly supports shared parenting,
but special care must be taken when
human traffi cking has occurred.
Some families were directly involved
in the traffi cking; others may be
watched or pressured by traffi ckers
to share the child's information. Dis-cuss
contact with family with your
agency before it occurs.
Think psychological safety. To recover
from traffi cking, children must feel psy-chologically
safe. You can help by:
• Helping them identify things that
instill the feeling of safety; eliminate
or minimize things that make them
feel unsafe.
• Teaching them to understand and
manage diffi cult behaviors. Help
them see the links between what
they think, feel, and do; help them
take control of their actions.
• Helping them develop a strengths-based
understanding of their life
story. Help them overcome negative
or distorted beliefs about their histo-ries
by being a safe listener for them.
• Help children understand and man-age
overwhelming emotions. By
providing calm, consistent, loving
care, you set an example and teach
children to defi ne, express, and
manage their emotions.
• Give them opportunities to create,
have fun, and play. Celebrate their
strengths.
Ensure youth get a comprehensive
assessment and all services they need.
After traffi cking a young person might
need medical care, academic interven-tion,
legal assistance, or mental
health treatment.
Be ready to reframe. Many young
people see themselves as strong-willed
survivors of traffi cking, not
victims. They may even be defi -
ant. Use this as a strength to help
empower youth and rebuild their
self-esteem.
Be a constant, patient presence.
Building trust with traffi cking vic-tims
can take time. Sex traffi ck-ing
dynamics can cause youth to
repeatedly return to a pimp. "Pro-grams
working with these youth
have learned the importance of
being a constant presence for these
youth, which means allowing them
to return many times" (p. 2).
Know the Lingo
Knowing terms used by those involved in sex
traffi cking can help you identify and understand
victims. For a glossary of terms visit http://shared-hope.
org/the-problem/traffi cking-terms/
8
Writing Contest
A healthy relationship in my life today
We asked young people in foster care, “Describe a healthy relationship in your life today. How do you know it is healthy?“ Here’s what they had to say.
Kids’ Pages By and for Young People in Foster Care Vol. 21, No. 2 • May 2017
Dionna, age 16
Healthy relationships contain: trust, loyalty,
forgiveness, laughter, honesty, and uncondi-tional
love.
I am thankful to have a healthy relationship
with my dear friend, Tashianna. I can talk to
her about anything, even my darkest secrets. Just like any other relationship,
we have our disagreements and arguments, but we are able to settle it out.
We always forgive each other. Tashianna will always have my back and I will
always have hers. When I tell her about my insecurities she always makes me
feel better. Tashianna will always tell me the truth when I’m in the wrong, not
just with her but with other people as well. Even when I don’t want to hear it,
she still keeps it real with me.
My relationship with Tashianna is healthy because we can overcome any
obstacle we face. Even if we are not on speaking terms I know she loves me
and that our relationship will never die out.
DIONNA RECEIVED $100 FOR TAKING TOP PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
1
I have a healthy relationship with . . .
My twin . . . . I don’t just say that because we are
twins, I’m saying that because it’s true. I know our
relationship is very, very healthy because she tells
me true things that will help me get through life or
a situation. Sometimes I don’t wanna hear it, but at
the end I always fi nd out what she said was true. Another way I know
our relationship is healthy is she never hurts me mentally, physically,
emotionally, or verbally. . . . She never says things about my weight. . . .
She builds me up every day mentally by pushing me to do what’s right
and making me a better person. — Gabriella, age 16
My adoptive mom . . . we get along so well no matter what happens.
Also, I know that if I ever mess up in my life, she will be there to forgive
me and help me out. That’s why I am glad to call her my mom. . . . The
number one key for a healthy relationship is FORGIVENESS and my
mom always forgives me no matter what. The relationship I have with
my mother is the best relationship I have ever had. — Dawn, age 18
My foster parents . . . . They took me in and for the fi rst three months
I didn’t trust them, but slowly I realized they truly cared. I started to
believe that my mom left me cause she didn’t love me, so I took all my
anger at my biological mom and took it out on my foster parents. 2016
was my fourth year with them. They are planning on my adoption.
What really makes a long-lasting, successful relationship? Well for
starters LOVE has a big role. Love isn’t a word you just say. You have
to show love. Patience and forgiveness helps you a lot. You have to be
able to forgive and be patient even when you’re at your worst. Love
isn’t about expensive gifts but about the laughter, the memories, and the
inside jokes you develop over time. . . .
We went through hard times together, yet they still love me
unconditionally. I used to have very little self-esteem and pretty much
hated myself because of what happened to me as a child. There were a
couple of times when my foster parents would compliment me and say
I looked nice and I would blow it all out of proportion. I would scream
and say “you never loved me,” “you are lying to me!” . . . . I would keep
screaming and screaming, saying I hated them and was gonna walk on
their graveyard and laugh.
Sometimes I look back and wish I could take back what I
said. I didn’t deserve such a caring family, but I love them! What
shocks me the most is that they still love me to this very day.
— Andrea, age 12
My foster parents. . . . I have been in foster care
for almost four years. When I came to foster care
I didn’t know anybody. I was scared the fi rst night
and the second, and maybe the third. The next
couple of weeks were OK because I was just
getting to know everybody and they got to know
me. I felt a lot better. When my foster parents went on vacation, I went
too. They treated me like their own child and I liked that. When I got
in trouble, they would ground me. When I came home from school my
foster parents would help me with my homework and I got good grades
. . . . When it came to holidays, I would participate in the activities
and spend time with family. I learned a lot and I’m getting better.
— Faith, age 13
THESE YOUNG PEOPLE RECEIVED $20 FOR HAVING THEIR ESSAYS PUBLISHED.
Tashianna will
always have my
back and I will
always have hers.
Mrs. Chevy
helped me love
myself . . . . isn’t
that the most
important thing?
My twin sister
builds me up
every day.
Chidubem, age 17
[When] my mother told the judge that she didn’t
want to/ couldn’t keep us, I felt unwanted and
unloved... I felt that if the most important people
in my life were told they could only pick one per-son,
they wouldn’t pick me. Not one person, not
my mother, my sisters, or even my best friend. I
believed that if people had to choose between hav-ing
to be with me and anyone else, they would take their shot with someone
else. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have picked myself....
[But today] I believe Mrs. Chevy, a foster parent, would pick me.... [Now] for
the fi rst time in over three years, I would pick myself. I love myself. I want myself....
[Since] Mrs. Chevy helped me love myself, I’ve been able to properly
receive love from others. As cliché as this is, the healthiest relationship I have
today, is with me. And isn’t that the most important thing?
CHIDUBEM RECEIVED $25 FOR TAKING THIRD PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
3
My foster family
stayed with me
in the hospital for
16 days and never
left my side.
Adam, age 16
I have a very healthy relationship with my fos-ter
family. We don’t argue, we don’t yell. We
enjoy being around each other....
I had severe back problems [when I came to
them]. They noticed and I had to have MAJOR
surgery. They stayed with me in the hospital for
16 days and never left my side....
I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time and I am very, very grateful for
that. When I fi rst got here I really didn’t know what love was. Now I am
treated with all the love and affection I’ve always wanted in my life but really
never had. I love them and they love me. That is a healthy relationship.
ADAM RECEIVED $50 FOR TAKING SECOND PRIZE IN THE WRITING CONTEST.
2
They treated
me like their
own child and
I liked that.
9
Forging a healthier social climate by addressing bullying
by Trishana Jones, MSW, North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Treating others with fairness and compas-sion
helps us build healthy relationships and
improves how we collectively feel about our-selves.
Yet the opposite is also true: bullying
at school and in other settings harms us all.
It’s especially bad for those involved. Stud-ies
have shown involvement in bullying—as a
perpetrator, victim, or witness—can under-mine
one’s psychological well-being and aca-demic
performance and may lead to involve-ment
in dating/intimate partner violence or
substance abuse (CDC, 2014).
Despite the harm it causes, bullying is com-mon.
One in five students admits to being a
bully or engaging in bullying. According to the
2015 results of the Youth Risk Behavior Sur-vey
(YRBS), 15.6% of teens surveyed in North
Carolina reported being bullied at school.
Bullying: What It Is
The Centers for Disease Control and Pre-vention
(2016a) define bullying as “any
unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another
youth or group of youths…that involves an
observed or perceived power imbalance and
is repeated multiple times or is highly likely
to be repeated.” Bullying may be carried out
by physical aggression (hitting, tripping, dam-aging
belongings), verbal insults, or hurting a
victim’s social standing by spreading rumors
or encouraging peer rejection or isolation.
There is also cyber-bullying, which is
aggression through e-mails, chat rooms
and forums, text messaging, or social media
apps. Incidents of virtual or real-world bully-ing
can be widely shared and put on unend-ing
display with social media platforms such
as Twitter, YouTube, and Tumblr. In the 2015
YRBS results, 12.1% of teens surveyed in our
state reported being electronically bullied.
Victims
Some are more at risk of being bullied than
others. Youths who live with disabilities,
learning challenges, obesity/body image
issues, or who identify as members of an
ethnic or religious minority or as lesbian,
gay, or gender non-conforming are highly
vulnerable. In the past decade, incidents of
bullying Muslim girls by pulling their hijabs
(headscarves) have increased. Victims of bul-lying
may suffer physical injuries, lower self-esteem,
changes in eating habits, and emo-tional
distress. Bullying may incite the onset
of depression, anxiety, and sleep difficulties.
Bullying may also hurt a victim’s school per-formance.
Bullied youth may grow to dislike
school and may avoid attending out of fear of
getting hurt. Importantly, Black and Hispanic
youth who are bullied are more likely to strug-gle
academically than their white peers.
Bullying can widen the disconnection some
kids already feel at school. In a survey of
3,530 elementary school students, those who
reported being bullied were four times more
likely than non-victims to feel they did not fit
in or belong at school. In contrast, bullies are
perceived by their peers as popular or power-ful
(Zweig, et al., 2013).
Bullies
There is no single profile for children and
teens who participate in bullying. However,
youth who bully are more likely to exhibit
an attitude accepting of violence, lack non-violent
problem-solving skills, display rule-breaking
or defiant behaviors, have friends
who encourage bullying, and have a history
of violent victimization and harsh parenting
by caregivers. Exposure to domestic violence
also makes bullying behavior more likely.
Youth who consistently play the role of
bully are at higher risk of substance abuse,
poor academic achievement, and of using
violence against peers and dating partners
when they grow up. Bullying is also concern-ing
because both perpetrators and victims
have been found at increased risk of self-harming
or suicide-related behaviors.
Bullying can have a domino effect, inspiring
some victims to become bullies themselves
(“bully-victims”). Studies show bully-victims
have trouble controlling their emotions and
often retaliate with aggression. Like victims,
bully-victims may battle anxiety and depres-sion,
along with cognitive and behavioral dif-ficulties,
hyperactivity, and reactive aggres-sion.
Many lack close friendships.
Witnesses/Bystanders
Witnesses of bullying, also known as bystand-ers,
can play multiple roles. Some assist
or reinforce the bullying behavior. Others
observe but provide no feedback. Still others
step up and defend the target of the bullying.
The role a bystander chooses is influenced
by many things, including fear of retaliation,
concern that taking action will have no impact
or even make things worse for the victim, and
the bystander’s feelings about the victim.
Bystanders have the power to stop bul-lying.
In one study, when a bystander inter-vened,
57% of the time the bullying stopped
(Hawkins, et al., 2001). Bystander strategies
that victims find most helpful include:
• Affirming the victim by letting them know
the bystander cares;
• Walking or talking with the victim in
social settings; and
• Helping the victim get away/offering advice.
What Can Resource Parents Do?
Keep learning. This article is just a start.
Learn all you can about responding to bully-ing.
Check out the resources found here: http://
practicenotes.org/bullying-resources.pdf.
Connect your child to a peer group.
Especially if they have had to change schools
or communities, kids in care may not know
safe routes to and from school or which peo-ple
or places to avoid. You can help by con-necting
the child to a group of peers. This
provides a place to “belong” as well as access
to kids who “know the ropes.”
Advocate with schools to provide effec-tive
anti-bullying programs. Child welfare
agencies should do the same. For a study by
Lawner & Terzian (2013) about the traits of
effective programs, go to http://bit.ly/2nFg3XI.
If your child is being bullied:
• Share your concerns with teachers,
school administrators, and others who
work with or care for the child. Keep
documentation with dates, incidents, and
school personnel contacted.
• Coach your child on how to avoid bully-ing
and to respond and seek help when it
occurs. Never encourage physical fighting
or matching the aggression of the bully.
Coaching about issues of hygiene, cloth-ing,
and social skills may be helpful.
• Enroll your child in a peer support group,
counseling, or assertiveness training.
If your child is bullying others, talk with
the child’s worker about how the child’s treat-ment
plan might incorporate counseling or
other interventions. Fortunately, bullying is a
learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
NOTE: These signs may indicate involvement in bullying. However, they
could be caused by many things other than bullying.
• Missing or damaged belongings
(e.g., books, clothes, electronics, jewelry)
• Unexplained injuries
• Frequent real or faked illness
• Trouble sleeping or frequent bad dreams
• Changes in eating habits
• Increase in self-destructive behaviors
• Runs away
• Decreased self-esteem
• Sudden loss of friends
or avoidance of social
situations
• Afraid to go to school or other activities
• Avoids computer, cell phone, etc. or appears stressed
when receiving email, instant messages, or texts
• Avoids conversation about computer use
Source: Marsh, 2011
Possible Signs of Bullying
10
Preventing suicide among children in foster care by Jodi Flick
Suicide among young people in
foster care is uncommon, but it
does happen—even in young chil-dren.
What can we do to reduce the
risk of such a tragedy and increase
every child’s resilience?
Risk Factors
As a starting point, it helps to
know the factors that put youth
at risk for depression, anxiety, and suicide.
These include the following:
1) Unrecognized, untreated, or under-treated
depression and bipolar disorder.
This is one of the greatest risk factors, espe-cially
among youth in foster care, who tend to
suffer from mental illnesses at higher rates
than other children. Unfortunately, many
parents, resource parents, and profession-als
overlook or underestimate the amount of
depression in children and teens. The expe-riences
children have endured aren’t the only
cause of mental disorders; genetics also has
a big influence.
We know for a fact early intervention and
treatment can save lives and lessen the impact
of these illnesses for a child’s entire life. The
most effective treatments involve both medi-cation
and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy,
combined with efforts to decrease stress
in the child’s life. Unfortunately, research
shows that even when they receive medica-tion,
children often don’t get the therapy they
need. In one study, three months after being
put on medication for depression and anxi-ety,
more than half of children had not yet
seen a therapist.
2) Firearms in the home. This is a big risk
factor for suicide. When a child is depressed,
anxious, or suicidal, the lethality of firearms
is an issue. Less lethal methods of suicide
allow a person time to change their mind or
for others to rescue them. With a firearm,
this isn’t an option.
Gun owners should not be overconfident.
Of children who die by suicide, 82% use a gun
belonging to a family member. One out of three
times the gun was locked, but the child knew
the combination or where the key was kept.
Studies also show it is not uncommon for chil-dren
to handle their parents’ firearms without
their knowledge (Baxley & Miller, 2006).
3) Peer suicidal behavior. This is a par-ticular
risk factor for adolescents. Teenagers
who have had a friend attempt suicide are
two to three times more likely to attempt it
themselves. In youth exposed to suicide, even
six years after the death, those with traumatic
grief have five times higher rates of suicidal
thoughts.
4) Untreated childhood trauma
(especially physical abuse, sexual
abuse, and severe neglect). This
can have a lasting impact on the
brain, both by disrupting normal,
healthy, developmental experi-ences
and by causing potentially
lifelong changes in the brain. The
more traumas you experience, the
greater the risk. It’s true that there
are effective treatments for trauma in chil-dren,
including Trauma-Focused Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy and EMDR, but many
children in foster care never receive treat-ment
to address this need.
Sources: SAMHSA, 2012; Goldsmith, et al., 2002
Protective Factors
Just as there are risk factors, there are also
factors that lessen the risk of depression and
suicide in children and adolescents. Some
of these are outlined in the box at right. We
boost protective factors when we teach chil-dren
skills such as:
• Social skills (how to make friends, how to
read social situations, how to recognize
emotions in others and respond appro-priately)
• Optimism (good humor and playfulness,
seeing possibilities for hope/change)
• Managing stress and emotions (how to
calm yourself when you’re upset or angry,
how to motivate yourself)
• Assertiveness (being clear about personal
feelings, setting limits without being
aggressive)
• Taking responsibility (apologizing, not
blaming others when something really
was your fault)
• Negotiating (compromising, feeling some
control and power over decisions)
• Empathy (understanding how another
person would feel)
Seligman, 2012; Goldsmith, et al., 2002; Hockey, 2003
One study found that when these specific
skills were taught to 5th and 6th graders,
they were half as likely to develop depression.
All of these skills foster social connected-ness—
one of the most important factors that
protect children from suicide. For more on
social connectedness, see the article on the
next page.
Know the Signs
To prevent suicide, we must be able to rec-ognize
the warning signs. Resource parents
and other adults should be willing to act if
they notice a child / youth:
• Threatening to hurt or kill themselves
• Seeking access to means (e.g., pills, weap-ons)
to hurt or kill themselves
• Talking, writing, or posting on social
media about death, dying, or suicide
• Increasing alcohol or drug use
• Withdrawing from family, friends, or society
• Feeling hopeless, trapped, worthless, or a
lack of purpose
• Acting recklessly or engaging in activities
with high risk of death
• Demonstrating rage, agitation, anger, or
seeking revenge
• Having a dramatic change in mood
A common myth is that people who talk
about suicide won’t act on it. Another is that
asking a person if they are having thoughts
of suicide will “put the idea in their head.”
Neither of these is true (National Council for
Behavioral Health, 2015).
Ask a child directly if they are having
thoughts of killing themselves. If they say
yes, immediately arrange for an evaluation
by a qualified mental health professional.
You could save that child’s life. Preventing
suicide is everyone’s business.
Focus on Prevention
Children’s mental health has a tremendous
influence on their risk of suicide. If we all
commit to doing everything we can to ensure
children and youth in foster care get trauma-informed
mental health treatment and to
teaching them skills to manage their stress
(e.g., exercise, adequate sleep, spending time
in nature, mindfulness, volunteering in activ-ities
that help someone else, expressions of
gratitude), we can help keep them safe and
promote their ability to learn, carry out daily
activities, and have satisfying relationships.
Jodi Flick, ACSW, LCSW, MSW, is a Clinical Assistant
Professor with the UNC School of Social Work and a
counselor with the Chapel Hill Police Department’s
Crisis Unit.
Protective Factors Matter
Having three or more of the following protective
factors reduces the risk of suicide in adolescents
by 70-85%:
• Perception that an important adult cares
about them
• School connectedness (teachers treat them
fairly, feels part of school)
• School safety (feels safe at school)
• Parental presence before and after school
• Parent and family connectedness and caring
• Good grade point average (GPA)
• Religious identity (faith affi liation)
• Counseling provided by the school
• A number of parent/child activities (play
games together, eat dinner together, engage
in physical activities together)
Sources: Goldsmith, et al., 2002; APA, 2013
There are
things you
can do to
reduce the
risk of tragedy
and increase
a child’s
resilience.
11
Social connections help youth in foster care thrive
Ways You Can Promote Social Connections
for Youth in Foster Care
• Model strong, supportive, and loving relationship
skills. Be the kind of positive, caring adult who
makes a difference in the lives children and youth.
• Help youth stay connected to siblings, extended
birth family members, past foster parents, and
other important adults whenever possible.
• Provide a predictable, fair, and stable home and
avoid any additional moves or disrupted connections.
• Take time to refl ect on your own experiences and history and know who
and how you relate best to other people.
• Connect youth to other caring adults (coaches, teachers, neighbors, clergy)
and other young people with similar interests, circumstances, or back-grounds
and to activities that celebrate their race, culture, and ethnicity.
• Encourage youth to get help to address any issues that make it hard to
develop healthy connections (e.g., anxiety, depression); this could be
through counseling, support groups, or other wellness activities such as
yoga, relaxation techniques, or exercise.
• Make sure youth are able to attend and participate in child and family team
meetings (CFTs) and other case planning meetings.
• Ensure youth can participate in the full range of “normal” adolescent activi-ties
such as sleepovers, class trips, and prom.
• Celebrate successes and events that are signifi cant to the young person.
• Be patient and don’t give up. Healing takes time, as does building positive
connections.
Young people in foster care strug-gle
with trauma and other chal-lenges.
For many, a bright and
happy future is not guaranteed.
One way to protect these young
people from the risks they face
and put them on the path to suc-cess
is to help them build and
maintain social connections.
Definition
Social connections has two parts:
(1) healthy, supportive, caring
relationships with family, peers,
and other adults, and (2) con-structive
engagement with safe,
stable, equitable organizations
and institutions (e.g., schools,
churches). To thrive, young peo-ple
need good connections to
both people and institutions.
Connections to People
In their search for identity, pur-pose,
and direction, young peo-ple
need to feel connected to oth-ers,
especially to people who:
• Care about them
• Listen non-judgmentally and
keep communication open
• Give well-informed advice
• Help solve problems
• Set limits that are
developmentally-appropriate
• Offer opportunities for new
experiences, and
• Encourage them, set high
expectations, and celebrate
their successes.
Resource parents and other car-ing
adults help meet this need,
of course. Research finds youth
who feel close and attached to at
least one caring adult are psy-chologically
healthier than peers
who feel detached. Being con-nected
to a trusted adult is a buf-fer
against many types of risks
including depression, early sex-ual
activity, violence, and alcohol
and marijuana use.
NC policy recognizes how
important it is for youth to have
meaningful relationships with
adults. For example, since 2001,
our state has sought to ensure
that, in addition to professional
relationships, all teens in foster
care have a personal support sys-tem
of at least five caring adults.
Peers count, too. Close peer
relationships and friendships
are especially important during
adolescence. Peer groups provide
a context for youth to develop
and express independence and
develop their own identity. Iden-tity
includes a youth’s self-con-cept
(i.e., beliefs about oneself),
self-esteem (i.e., positive or nega-tive
feelings about oneself) and
a sense of who one is (including
gender identity, sexual orienta-tion,
race, culture, and socio-economic
status). Conversely,
research shows a lack of close
peer relationships is associated
with a range of poor outcomes
in adolescence and adulthood
such as delinquency, poor aca-demic
performance, poor social
skills, and mental health prob-lems.
Connections to Institutions
Youth also need to be construc-tively
engaged in organizations
such as schools, religious com-munities,
and recreational
facilities. Social institutions sup-port
young people’s intellectual,
social, emotional, moral, and
physical development.
To feel connected to a social
institution, youth must see it as
safe and believe that at least one
adult associated with the institu-tion
is fair, cares about them both
as a member of a group (e.g., stu-
Reflections on Resource Parents, Firearms, and Child Safety
A few years back our family was rocked by the sui-cide
of two teenage boys within 24 hours of each
other. In both cases, the gun used belonged to a
family member. Sadly, this is all too common.
In fact, studies show gun availability is a risk fac-tor
for youth suicide in the United States and that
most suicide attempts using a fi rearm involve a
weapon owned by a parent or other family mem-ber.
For this reason the NC Division of Social Ser-vices
urges foster parents not to keep fi rearms in the
home. Not inclined to agree? Read on…
Suicide attempts using a fi rearm are 85-90% suc-cessful.
In contrast, other means, such as cutting or
poisoning, are 1-2% successful. Studies also show
that only 10% of those who seriously attempt sui-cide
and fail are likely to eventually die from a sub-sequent
attempt (Harvard Injury Control Research
Center, 2017).
Considered together, these studies show there is
strong support for the assertion that it is better not
to keep fi rearms in your home. Keeping fi rearms out
of the home dramatically reduces the risk of your chil-dren
successfully ending their own lives.
If families choose to store fi rearms at home, strict
vigilance and storage rules must be followed. If you
suspect your children (or anyone, for that matter) may
be at risk of harming themselves, the fi rst step in pre-vention
is to make fi rearms unavailable by temporarily
removing guns from your home. Do not make the mis-take
of thinking that hiding a gun is enough.
The safety controls foster parent gun owners in our
state must use are little more than common sense.
The following list is an excerpt of the requirements for
North Carolina foster families:
• Explosive materials, ammunition, and fi rearms
shall each be stored separately, in locked places.
• Firearms must be kept securely locked. Consider
adding a trigger lock for additional security.
• Ammunition for the fi rearm must be locked up
and stored separately from the fi rearm.
• If a gun cabinet is used to store both fi rearm and
ammunition, the cabinet must have separate
locked areas for the fi rearm and the ammuni-tion
(NC DSS, 2014).
As an avid sportsman I’ve been storing my guns in a
safe in my home. But as a father to children who are
at increased risk of self-harm, the education I got in
researching this article has caused me to pause and
reconsider that decision. If you’re like me and have
or will have kids in your home who could be at risk,
I encourage you to do the same.
Bob DeMarco is an adoptive parent in North Carolina.
continued next page
12
Every Kid is ONE Caring Adult Away
From Being a Success Story
As Josh Shipp puts it, “Statistically, I am supposed
to be dead, in jail, or homeless. At 14, I’d been
kicked out of so many foster homes that it became
a game to me. I acted out because I didn’t trust
anyone, and I didn’t expect that to change any time
soon.”
Somehow he turned it all around to become an award-winning youth
speaker and teen expert. To fi nd out how he went from likely statistic to
national success, visit the link below to watch his compelling, inspiring
17-minute video. You’ll be glad you did.
http://joshshipp.com/one-caring-adult/
dent/team player/band member/
congregant) and as an individual,
and wants them to succeed.
Connection to a social institu-tion
helps buffer young people.
For example, participation in
an active, school-based sup-port
group correlates with lower
rates of depression and suicide
attempts in LGBT youth. Con-versely,
when young people feel
isolated, excluded, or discon-nected
from social institutions,
they may experience a range of
negative reactions, such as lack
of self-confidence or increased
likelihood of suicidal thoughts.
Quality, Not Quantity
The quality of social connections
is what matters. Youth can feel
lonely and isolated even when
surrounded by others if rela-tionships
lack emotional depth
and genuine acceptance. Group
activities must support a sense
of connectedness between the
youth and at least one other per-son.
New relationships should
engender meaningful support so
honest conversations and healthy
development can occur in a con-text
of mutual trust and respect.
Social connections from previous page
Take-Aways for Parents
What does all this mean for you
as a resource parent? Since
social connection reduces risk
for kids and increases their resil-ience
and well-being, foster and
adoptive parents and kin care-givers
should deliberately culti-vate
children’s relationships with
people and institutions.
This starts with you, of course.
Your reassurance, understand-ing,
and consistency can make a
big difference in their lives.
You should also encourage
their involvement in social activi-ties
that build on their interests.
For example, encourage them to
join a sports team, a club (drama,
chess, poetry), a music group
or choir, a scout troop, or faith-based
youth group. North Caro-lina’s
new policy related to nor-malcy
for kids in care is designed
to encourage this kind of thing.
(For more on this policy visit
http://bit.ly/2nkdIhJ.) Activities
requiring synchronous move-ment
with others (like dancing or
singing) are especially helpful in
increasing positivity.
Volunteer activities that help
others have been shown to
increase children’s feelings of
worth, value, and meaning—all of
which are protective. Find ways
for them to do things for some-one
else: make a meal and take it
to a sick neighbor, help out at the
animal shelter, serve lunch at the
soup kitchen, work on a Habitat
for Humanity house, write a let-ter
telling someone why you are
grateful to have them in your life.
These skills will protect children
for a lifetime.
It’s important to remember
that the impact of trauma does
not have to be permanent. Brain
cells and connections can be
“rewired” within the context of
positive environmental stimula-tion.
When young people have
positive, nurturing, kind, per-manent
relationships and expe-riences,
their brains build new
pathways that help them reach a
calm and connected state. With
the right relationships, educa-tion,
and supports children and
youth can learn to THRIVE.
Special thanks to the Center for the
Study of Social Policy’s Francie Zimmer-man
for her contributions to this article.
Sign Up for Mental Health First Aid Parenting a Child
with an IDD?
The Center for Family and Community Engage-ment
at NC State University is conducting a
study about foster care services for youth diag-nosed
with an intellectual or developmental
disability (IDD). The purpose of the study is to
learn about the experiences of foster parents of a
child diagnosed with IDD, the challenges faced
by foster youth with IDD, and any services that
would be helpful for these youth and their fos-ter
families. Foster parents who are caring for a
child with IDD, or who have cared for one in the
past, are needed to participate in focus groups
with a researcher and 4-6 other foster caregivers.
We hope to begin focus groups in June 2017 and
hold them throughout the summer. Each group
will last approximately 1.5 to 2 hours and will
occur at a time and place convenient for partici-pants.
Individuals will receive a $25 gift card for
each hour of participation. To learn more contact
Kate Norwalk at knorwal@ncsu.edu.
Mental Health First Aid is a training program
that teaches members of the public how to
help a person developing a mental health
problem (including a substance use prob-lem),
experiencing a worsening of an exist-ing
mental health problem, or in a mental
health crisis. Like traditional first aid, Men-tal
Health First Aid does not teach people to
treat or diagnose mental health or substance
use conditions. Instead, the training teaches
people how to offer initial support until
appropriate professional help is received or
until the crisis resolves.
Why Mental Health First Aid?
Mental health problems are common, so
members of the public are likely to have close
contact with people affected. However, many
people are not well informed about how to
recognize mental health problems, how to
provide support and what are the best treat-ments
and services available. Furthermore,
many people developing mental disorders
do not get professional help or delay getting
professional help. Half of all mental health
issues start before age 14; 75% start by age
24. Someone in their social network who is
informed about the options
available for professional
help can assist the person
to get appropriate help. In
mental health crises, such
as a person feeling sui-cidal,
deliberately harming
themselves, having a panic
attack, or being acutely psychotic, someone
with appropriate mental health first aid skills
can reduce the risk of the person coming to
harm. There is also stigma and discrimina-tion
against people with mental health prob-lems,
which may be reduced by improving
public understanding of their experiences.
Sign Up
Mental Health First Aid is an 8-hour course
that teaches you how to help someone who
may be experiencing a mental health or sub-stance
use challenge. The training helps you
identify, understand and respond to signs of
addictions and mental illnesses. Once you
have taken this course you are certified for
three years. Search and sign up at www.men-talhealthfirstaid.
org
Source: Wikipedia, 2017
13
How resource parents can help struggling students by Kelly Sullivan
Imagine you go to work every day
and you’re really bad at your job.
And, everyone thinks your job is
the only really important thing you
do, while your other interests and
talents are hardly acknowledged.
How does this relate to children
in foster care? School is the work
of childhood. For many children
involved in the child welfare sys-tem,
the scenario I’ve just described could be
close to their reality.
At a Disadvantage
Many children in foster care have missed a
lot of school. Even when they’re at school,
they may find it hard to pay attention to what
they’re being taught due to untreated condi-tions
(e.g., ADHD, brain damage from prena-tal
and postnatal toxic exposure), symptoms
of chronic or traumatic stress, and removal
from the classroom as a form of discipline.
Moves are another a problem. When chil-dren
move from one foster care placement to
another they often have to change schools.
When they do, even more learning time is lost
as they adjust to the new school.
Also, many children have negative associa-tions
with school and learning. Some have
been repeatedly told they are stupid. Others
come to this belief by interpreting more sub-tle
behavior of others or through self-com-parisons
they make during the school day.
Children in foster care are also twice as likely
as other children to have learning disabilities
(14.7% vs 7.6%) and developmental delays
(7.3% vs 3.4%) (Turney & Wildeman, 2016).
Rarely does a child struggle with just one of
these issues. Instead, these challenges inter-act
with and compound each other. Some
children involved with the child welfare sys-tem
experience all of these issues.
The statistics verify this phenomenon.
Many youth in foster care perform below
their peers in school. The greatest achieve-ment
gaps are in basic reading, math, and
writing. Young people in foster care score on
average 15–20 percentile points lower than
their peers on standardized academic tests
and are more likely to be retained at least
one year and to be referred for special educa-tion
(Beisse et al., 2011; Scherr, 2006).
School Tasks Can Be a Trigger
For many young people in foster care anything
dealing with school can be a trigger. In other
words, even a tiny experience (e.g., taking out
homework, a spelling test, a teacher’s ques-tion)
may cause the child to have an intense
and largely uncontrollable emotional reaction
linked to their past negative experiences.
Often these emotional reactions stem from
feelings of incompetence. When children who
have suffered disruptions and
losses feel incompetent at some-thing
as important as school—
remember, it is the “work” of
childhood—they may even doubt
their worthiness to be loved.
Homework Can Be a Minefield
As a result, what should be a regu-lar
day-to-day event—doing home-work—
can be a minefield for some
children and their caregivers. Children may
lie about school work or use conflict over
homework as a way to ensure connection to
their caregivers.
Try not to view these behaviors nega-tively.
Think of them not as attention-seek-ing
but as attachment-seeking. They are
likely rooted in intense self-doubt and/or
negative identity stemming from the child’s
educational experiences and from relation-ships
with previous caregivers who may
have only paid attention when the child dis-played
negative behavior.
Homework can also be tricky because
children’s skills can be highly variable.
They may do well on a skill one day, but not
the next. Or they may make mistakes on
some problems of a worksheet but not oth-ers,
even though all the problems require
the same level of skill.
This variability can be authentic and
occurs naturally in the process of grasping
new skills. Furthermore, it is more likely
to occur when the child is tired, hungry,
stressed, or getting sick, all of which may be
hard to detect for children who have become
numb to their body’s signals as a way of cop-ing
with the discomfort of unmet needs.
What You Can Do
Give kids the benefit of the doubt. In
general, it is important to believe that chil-dren
do well if they can. Dr. Ross Greene
explains this philosophy in his book Lost
at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral
Challenges Are Falling Through the Cracks
and How We Can Help Them (to read an
excerpt go to http://bit.ly/2nK09Mf). This phi-losophy
is based on the idea that behind every
struggle is an unsolved problem or lacking skill.
Consider stepping back temporarily. For
children for whom homework has become a
battle or when caregivers are being pressured
to “fix” the child’s school behavior at home,
sometimes caregivers’ efforts will only back-fire.
This may be occurring because the child
has learned through experience to doubt the
stability of their relationships with caregivers.
If this is the case, talk with your child’s thera-pist
and school staff about temporarily step-ping
out of your role as an educator to your
child. A tutor or other educational support
may be needed. That way the child will get the
individualized attention they need and be free
to make mistakes without fear of disappoint-ing
the caregivers they hope will love and keep
them. Similarly, behavior issues at school
should be addressed at school, not at home.
Focus on the child’s interests. Even as
they take a break from their educational role,
caregivers must continue to focus on chil-dren’s
talents and interests. This combination
should build the child’s confidence, and in
turn improve their belief that they are capable
of succeeding in the work of childhood, which
may also shift their beliefs about being worthy
of a loving relationship with a caregiver (i.e.,
self-worth).
Use consequences sparingly. The assump-tion
that it is “right” to give consequences for
wrongdoings is short-sighted if the conse-quences
do not improve the behavior. In fact,
consequences may actually worsen behav-ior.
For this reason their effectiveness should
be monitored. In general, it is important to
remember that children who have been strug-gling
a long time academically or with school
behavior need to experience successes—and a
lot of them—to reverse their negative thinking
and behavioral patterns!
Kelly Sullivan, PhD, is a Licensed Psychologist, Director
of Mental Health Services at the Center for Child & Fam-ily
Health, and an Assistant Professor at Duke University
Medical Center.
Suggestions for Parents
Things to Keep in Mind
• Children may have the capability to achieve
in school, but may underachieve because
of their repeated negative experiences with
schooling and/or other environmental vari-ables
(e.g., changing schools repeatedly).
• Children may struggle with school because
of underlying conditions (e.g., ADHD, learn-ing
disabilities) that have not been identifi ed
or have had inadequate intervention.
• Both of the above can interact with one
another, creating greater diffi culties.
Things to Try
• Consider stepping away from your role as an
educator to your child when your interactions
with your child around school are becoming
negative.
• Get a tutor or other educational support through
your child’s school.
• Attend to your child’s interests and talents much
more than you attend to their struggles.
• Recognize that consequences may backfi re; use
them with discretion and measure their effec-tiveness.
Think of
negative
behaviors not
as attention-seeking,
but
as attachment
seeking.
14
(May 2017)
Sponsors. NC Division of Social Services, SaySo, and the Fam-ily
and Children’s Resource Program, part of the UNC–Chapel
Hill School of Social Work’s Jordan Institute for Families.
Contact Us. Fostering Perspectives, c/o John McMahon, Family
and Children’s Resource Program, UNC–Chapel Hill School
of Social, CB# 3550, Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550. Email:
jdmcmaho@unc.edu.
Advisory Board. Nancy Carter (Independent Living Resources);
Carmelita Coleman (Independent Living Resources); Britt
Cloudsdale (NC Division of Social Services); Bob DeMarco
(adoptive parent); Kathy Dobbs (NC Division of Social Ser-vices);
Cy Gurney (NC Administrative Offi ce of the Courts);
Jennifer Hull-Rogers (Person County DSS); Trishana Jones (NC
Coalition Against Domestic Violence); Claudia Kearney (Cen-ter
for Family and Community Engagement); Jeanne Preisler
(NC Division of Social Services); Billy Poindexter (Center for
Family and Community Engagement); Linda Sanders (Chatham
County DSS); Rick Zechman (UNC-CH).
Newsletter Staff. John McMahon (Editor)
Mission. Fostering Perspectives exists to promote the profes-sional
development of North Carolina’s child welfare profession-als
and foster, kinship, and adoptive parents and to provide a
forum where the people involved in the child welfare system in
our state can exchange ideas.
Disclaimer. The opinions and beliefs expressed herein are not
necessarily those of the NC Division of Social Services or the
UNC School of Social Work.
Printing Information. The NC Department of Health and
Human Services does not discriminate on the basis of race, color,
national origin, sex, religion, age, or disability in employment
or the provision of services. 10,200 copies printed at a cost of
$964.14, or $0.10 per copy.
Frequency and Distribution. Issues appear every May and
November. Printed copies are sent directly to all NC county DSS
agencies and to all foster parents and child-placing agencies
licensed through the NC Division of Social Services. If you think
you should be receiving a printed copy but are not, please con-tact
us at the address above.
Online. www.fosteringperspectives.org
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References. See the online version of this issue for references
cited in this issue.
fostering perspectives
A reader asks ...
How can I maintain sibling connections?
The young man in my care has sisters and brothers who are placed elsewhere.
How can I help him keep up a meaningful connec􀆟􉼠 on with them?
It is widely understood and accepted,
both by resource parents and child wel-fare
professionals, that children in foster
care should be placed in the same home
as their siblings whenever possible. Being
separated from their brothers and sis-ters
can be a significant trauma for young
people, deeply impacting their emotional
well-being.
Unfortunately, there are times when sib-lings
cannot be placed together. Following
are some ways resource parents can help
children maintain these important rela-tionships
when siblings are apart.
Frequent, Consistent Visits
Siblings in foster care who are placed
separately usually have court-ordered
visits with each other. The importance
of these visits cannot be overstated. Try
to keep them as consistent as possible.
When small variances must be made (for
example, moving the day of the week that
the visit takes place), try to give the chil-dren
as much information about why the
change needs to happen and when the
next visit will be. You may not realize how
much they look forward to their Thurs-day
afternoon visits. Children may find a
change in the time or day of visits jarring
and scary.
Joint Outings and Experiences
Planning a day trip to the zoo or a vaca-tion
at the beach? Signing little Johnny
up for soccer or summer camp? Maybe
you could coordinate these activities
with the child’s sibling’s caregivers,
thereby facilitating “extra” sibling time
for the children to look forward to in
addition to their scheduled visits. Any
time you can create overlap in childhood
experiences helps to strengthen the sib-ling
bond. Get creative in thinking about
activities your child could share with his
or her siblings.
No matter what they do when you
get them together, always take lots of
pictures and share those pictures with
them. They can use them in their Life-books,
and just look at them. Too many
youth in foster care grow up without pic-tures
of their childhood.
Helping Children with Complicated
Emotions
Sometimes sibling visits stir up complex
emotions, such as intense feelings sur-rounding
shared traumatic experiences.
These powerful emotions can sometimes
result in behavioral
challenges once the
visits are over. This,
in turn, may cause
caregivers to con-clude
that the visits
are having a nega-tive
impact on the
children, leading to
requests that visits
be discontinued or
occur less frequently. In reality, children
may just need some help expressing and
working through their feelings. Could a
joint therapy session be scheduled for the
siblings together? Could the visits be used
as an opportunity for the children to com-plete
sections of their Lifebooks together?
Help them name more uncomfortable
emotions that may come up, such as
anger or guilt, and talk with them about a
time when you felt that way.
Arrange Other Forms of Contact
When siblings must be placed some dis-tance
away from each other, visits may
have to be less frequent out of necessity.
When this happens, frequent contact
through letters, calls, emails, cards, and
social media (if age- and developmentally-appropriate)
become a critical tool to
maintaining the sibling connection over
long distances. In-person visits should
still take place as much as possible, but
these other contact methods can help sib-lings
stay close.
Involve the Children in the Planning
When children must go longer in between
visits, the sibling relationship can suffer.
Involve children in the planning of the
next visit as much as is age- and devel-opmentally-
appropriate. Knowing exactly
when they will next see their brothers and
sisters can give children a greater sense
of security and control. It also sends the
message that you know that this is impor-tant
to them, and that you respect their
thoughts and ideas.
Overnight Visits/Joint Respite Care
Talk to the children’s social worker about
organizing joint respite care for all the sib-lings
together. Could you and the siblings’
caregivers act as each other’s sources of
respite care, thereby facilitating sibling
slumber parties? The Reasonable and
Prudent Parenting Standards for North
Carolina state that “normal childhood
activities” include overnight activities out-
Our efforts to
maintain sibling
connections can
lead to improved
well-being
and increased
placement
stability for
children.
side the direct supervision of the caregiver for up to
72 hours. Remember that every child is different,
and overnight visits should only occur if the safety
of all children is a reasonable expectation.
A Capacity Exemption?
In certain circumstances, after careful assess-ment
and evaluation DHHS may grant foster home
licensing capacity exemptions so that larger sibling
groups can be placed together. Capacity exemptions
are case-specific, and are only available when all
the children to be placed in the home are siblings.
For more information about capacity exemptions,
please talk to your social worker.
Committing to maintaining sibling connections
leads to improved well-being and increased place-ment
stability for children. Thank you for ensuring
that children’s emotional needs are met!
Response by the NC Division of Social Services. Portions of this re-sponse
were obtained from the Child Welfare Information Gateway
(https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/siblingissues.pdf). If you have
a question about foster care or adoption in North Carolina you’d like
answered in “A Reader Asks,” send it to us using the contact informa-tion
in the box at top right.
15
Zalyn (age 8)
Zalyn is a handsome boy who is
engaging, playful, affectionate,
and strong. He loves outings to
the museum, park, or movies.
His top favorite is attending fairs
and other community events.
He also enjoys art and coloring.
Zalyn has a cochlear implant,
and he’s making great progress
in his communication. He also
has a specialized diet that is very
important to his overall health.
Zalyn responds best to men, so he would do well in a family
with at least one male parent. He would be most successful as
the youngest child in his adoptive family. The ideal family would
have some experience with American Sign Language. Ultimately,
his forever family will need patience. With clear structure, consis-tency,
and affection, Zalyn will thrive.
Tatyiana (age 14)
Friendly, creative, and smart,
Tatyiana enjoys playing volley-ball,
cheerleading, and arts and
crafts. She likes to read and loves
going to libraries and museums.
Tatyiana is about to finish mid-dle
school and is excited to go
on to high school. Her favorite
subject is science; she’d like to
be a marine biologist when she
grows up.
Tatyiana wants to be adopted
by a family that will love her unconditionally. It is very impor-tant
to Tatyiana that she remain in touch with her younger sister.
Tatyiana would prefer a family that includes both a mom and a
dad, though she will also consider single female families. Taty-iana
needs to be the only child in her adoptive home. The right
family will understand it will take time, patience, and consistency
for Tatyiana to learn to trust them, and there will be bumps in
the road. Tatyiana deserves a forever family that will harness her
great potential.
Chance (age 7)
Chance is a bubbly, smart, active
boy. Inquisitive and happy,
Chance loves sports, especially
football and basketball. His
favorite toys are his Hot Wheels
cars. One of his favorite things
to do is go out to eat. Chance is
in the first grade and his favorite
subject in school is writing. He
is a very smart child with great
potential for academic success.
Chance is eager to be a part of
a forever family. He responds best to men, and so a family with a
kind, strong, and involved male parent is desired. A family with
experience parenting children with therapeutic needs is preferred.
Chance’s forever family will need to be very consistent, patient,
and stable as they help him work through his past traumas. High
levels of structure, empathy, and compassion will help Chance
succeed.
Codie (age 14)
Meet Codie! This young man is creative, respectful,
funny, and loving. He has his own style and likes
to dye his hair. Codie enjoys basketball and foot-ball,
being outside, and playing on his Xbox. Codie
thrives when he participates in extracurricular
activities where he can interact with peers who are
a good influence on him. He is currently in eighth
grade and his favorite subject is Social Studies. After
high school, Codie would like to join the military.
He also aspires to one day become a police officer.
Codie has recently expressed openness to adoption.
Codie would do well in a variety of different family
settings. He gets along well with other children of any age. The ideal forever family
for Codie would be one who can give him a lot of one-on-one attention, but also let
him have his own space when he needs it. His forever family will let him be who he is,
while providing him guidance as he transitions from adolescence to adulthood. Codie
will thrive in a family that can meet him where he is and help him grow.
Kyle (age 8)
Kyle is a social, bright, sweet boy with great capacity
for love and affection. He loves learning new things
and thrives when given positive attention. He enjoys
playing basketball, listening to songs and nursery
rhymes, and visiting the beach. His favorite TV show
is Paw Patrol. Above all, Kyle loves to read and spell
words. His principal says that he will win pretty
much any spelling bee he’s in! He is fascinated with
numbers and letters, and he also loves to learn sign
language. Kyle does experience some developmental
challenges, and he sometimes has trouble express-ing
himself verbally.
Kyle deserves a nurturing, two-parent family that will love him, support him, and
keep him safe. Kyle’s family needs to be patient, consistent, and willing to engage in
his therapies to help him reach his fullest potential. His family needs to be open in
their displays of affection, as Kyle craves positive attention and love. Kyle will bring
great joy to a special family.
Latyvia (age 15), Qudrell (age 10), and
Malyke (age 9)
These three sweet, loving, and affectionate
children are tightly bonded together. Latyvia
is the ultimate big sister, always looking out
for her little brothers. She is very athletic,
enjoying and excelling at most sports. Base-ball,
softball, and football are her favorites.
She has the desire and ability to go to col-lege,
and she would like to be a foster parent
and work with children when she grows up.
Qudrell loves life and is a great friend. He is
a natural scientist, enjoying building rockets
and collecting bugs. Malyke is the comedian
and he loves to laugh. He loves riding his bike
outside and pretty much all outdoor activi-ties.
Malyke excels in school and is identified as academically gifted. All three chil-dren
also enjoy singing in their church choir.
These three children are incredibly resilient and deserve a forever family that
they can call their own. They say they would like a home that includes both a mom
and a dad. They would do well in a family with or without other children. It is
important that they be able to maintain contact with their other brother, their cur-rent
foster family, and with their grandparents, so staying close to North Carolina
would be ideal.
Help us fi nd families for these children
For more information on these children or adoption in general, call the NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care Network
at 1-877-NCKIDS-1 <www.adoptnckids.org>
16
Jordan Institute for Families
UNC School of Social Work
Campus Box #3550
Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550
Writing Contest
First Prize: $100 • Second Prize: $50 • Third Prize: $25
If you are under 18 and are or have been in
foster care, please send us a letter or short
essay in response to the following question:
When you are feeling down and
really struggling, what (or who)
helps you feel better?
DEADLINE: August 8, 2017
E-mail submissions to jdmcmaho@unc.edu or mail them to: Fostering
Perspectives, Family & Children’s Resource Program, CB#3550, UNC
School of Social Work, Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550. Include your
name, age, address, and phone number. In addition to receiving the
awards specified above, winners will have their work published in the
next issue. Runners-up may also have their work published, for which
they will also receive an award.
Seeking Artwork and Other Writing Submissions
Submissions can be on any theme. There is no deadline for non-contest
submissions: submit your work at any time. If sent via U.S.
Mail, artwork should be sent flat (unfolded) on white, unlined paper.
Get in-service training credit for
reading this newsletter!
Enjoy Fostering Perspectives and earn credit toward your relicensure.
Just write down the answers to the questions below and present them
to your licensing social worker. If your answers are satisfactory, you’ll
receive 30 minutes of training credit. If you have questions about this
method of gaining in-service training credit, ask your worker.
In-Service Quiz, FP v21 n2
1. Name three strategies resource parents can use to maintain
connections between siblings when they are not placed together.
2. What are Dr. Kelly Sullivan’s suggestions for ways resource parents
can help children when they are struggling in school?
3. What are social connections and why are they important for
children and youth in foster care?
4. What can resource parents do to reduce the risk that young people
in their care will attempt suicide?
5. Name three things resource parents can do if their child is being
bullied at school.
6. According to Withelma Pettigrew, what are some of the things that
make youth in foster care more vulnerable to human traffickers?
7. What are some of Claudia Kearney’s suggestions for talking with
youth in care about healthy relationships and teen dating violence?
8. What did Megan Holmes learn when she asked young people about
self-care?
9. How has a “trauma lens” changed the way Bob DeMarco approaches
parenting?
10. What are the three words Jeanne Preisler asks resource parents
to keep in mind during every interaction with their children?
NONPROFIT ORG.
U.S. POSTAGE
PAID
PERMIT 177
CHAPEL HILL, NC
fostering perspectives
Readers, Don’t Lose Touch!
Fostering Perspectives will soon go all online—copies
will no longer be printed and mailed out to readers.
Don’t lose touch with us!
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A new learning site for
North Carolina’s foster
and adoptive parents and
kinship caregivers
In March 2017 the NC Division of Social Services launched fosteringNC.org, a
learning site for our state’s resource parents. This site features:
• On-Demand Courses. Avail-able
any time, these short, free
courses include a certifi cate of
completion learners can share
with their supervising agencies.
• Webinars. Recorded webinars
on fosteringNC.org address a
range of topics of interest to all
parents and caregivers. Record-ings
vary in length and normally
include handouts. Topics cov-ered
include creating normalcy
for young people in foster care
and treatment for ADHD.
• Videos. Helpful, short videos on top-ics
discussed by experts and those
with lived experiences. Take a few
minutes to learn about issues rele-vant
to those caring for children and
young adults in foster care.
• Resources. The Resources page pro-vides
links to Fostering Perspectives,
NC Kids Adoption and Foster Care
Network, and many other sources of
information and support.
• Answers. The site’s FAQ page answers
questions many resource parents ask.
Foster parents are encouraged to talk in advance to their supervising agency
about obtaining training credit through fosteringNC.org.
Join the fosteringNC.org List
To sign up to receive news
and updates go to:
http://eepurl.com/cEiAYP
Scan this QR code to
go directly to the site